It's not about coming first

I think,

I'm not very good at friendships. Like real friendships. Sure I've become better at socialising than I used to be; I've learnt to laugh, chat, joke and tell stories with a feigned confidence that hides the part of me that feels uncertain, awkward and shy. But when it comes to making true friends, I can't seem to grasp it.

I'm too naive to give good advice, I fail to "join in the bitching" when a friend needs to rant because I'll try to defend the opposing party, I don't make enough of an effort to keep in touch with those I don't see unless they initiate it, I'm not generous enough. So I'm never the first person that others turn to in their time of need.

Am I easily forgotten? Perhaps. My presence is acceptable, maybe even pleasant but my absence goes unnoticed. I am replaceable. I don't mean much. I need to be better.

Then again, when it comes to things that really matter to me, I tend not to share. Or don't know how to. At least, not until time has passed and I'm emotionally detached enough from the issue and have mentally prepared myself enough to become capable of putting whatever it is into spoken words. The more you give the more you receive, and I guess I don't give enough.

Or maybe I just have a too unrealistic idea of what friendship is supposed to be. I've put it on a pedestal, basing the reality of friendship on its fictional portrayals in movies and books.

But okayokayokay. It's not about loving to be loved, but to love unconditionally. To give without expecting anything in return. To pour my time and effort into my friends by making myself an option when they need a shoulder to cry on, encouragement, support, a friend to chill with. Then dealing with the hurt if they choose someone else because it's not about me. It's about them receiving the help that they need. Learning to not get hurt because that's just life and it's not about coming first.

I'm trying.
Me.

A relevant song

Write it on your skin - Newton Faulkner

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcqbxSuS5EU

To strip everything bare, to get rid of all the façades your put on. To burn your clothes, accessories and everything you own. To have nothing left but yourself.

To expose exactly who you are on your skin and to be vulnerable, but sure of everything you know.

To escape. Run away. Make a fresh start. New.
To recreate a you that is untainted by well, the world. 

"Life feels like a music box, I'm spinning round slowly and I can't get off."

It repeats and repeats and repeats, continuing indefinitely while you dance to the melody played.

Whether or not my interpretation is wayy off the actual message/emotions/ideas that Newton Faulkner intended to convey, this is currently my favourite song. It hits home.

What am I doing, analysing the words in a song? I must miss English. Ha. 

Post-exam freedom

Well,

Immediately after the French exam was complete and utter bliss. Went with Viv and Nicole to Mocha Joe's for dinner. We could not stop smiling. Everything looked brighter, sharper, more interesting. We walked with a certain buoyancy. Just breathing in and living the freedom.

That high was followed by 2 dodgy days where my mood was like split ends on a strand of hair, brittle, dry and edgy. I snapped a lot. ><

Worked 2 shifts at Subway with new bosses.

City with Viv, Vicky and Isabel. I appreciate how frank they are. Idk. I mean, straight out it was like, your eyebags make you look old. LOL. Where others may feel offended, I guess I've become accustomed to it. And it's a good change, I think, compared to most other people. Everything is glazed over and thoughts deemed inappropriate are left unsaid. CATCHING FIRE WAS AWESOME.

Everyday somehow ended up being jam packed with plans. So that one day I set aside was a relief. Lazed in a chair outside reading, sleeping and listening to the birds. I might actually find more contentment doing that than going out seeing people. So why do I go out and see people so much? I really need to suppress this unrelenting urge to always do things, to take a step back and chill a little more. Man what happened? It used to be the opposite. I'm overcompensating perhaps.

OOOH decorating my room m'apporte du bonheur. I love my room. lovelovelove it.

Transitioning,
Erica

Just Keep Swimming

You.

I do not like you. No, I'm pretty sure I don't. I just miss the feeling of excitement and anticipation; the smiles and exchanged glances. Sure, it never meant anything, but it was good fun. And right now, I just happen to be craving some fun. Life's been rather monotonous. Okayokay I admit it! I liked the attention.

It was amusing, playing out overly corny Korean drama scenes in my mind. I needed a face for the male character and yours had the most potential to suit the part. You weren't perfect for the role, but hey, I'm not perfect either. The whole mysteriousness was attractive; how you never gave much away.

If you had tried, you probably would have succeeded. I'm so very easily convinced. Grh. Why did you have to be at Kim's party? Why. I would've been free to enjoy myself so much more. You ruined it. Thanks, mate. You suck. I say that with utter vehemence.

But I guess it was never meant to work out and wouldn't have worked out even if things had been different. Time to, not forget, but leave the past behind (appreciate it and reminisce occasionally. maybe), accept the present and embrace the future. To move on.

Perhaps I should cut off any contact with you to get things sorted out in my head. Gosh I really need to sort out my head. Priorities, values, direction in life and all. It's all rather overwhelming. Too harddd and confusing. I just can't be bothered. Can't I just cruise through life and deal with what comes when it comes?

I hate this.
Disgustingly pathetic.
It must run in the family. LOL. (nono. what am I on about? absolutely over it.)
Ugh,
Me.

To go or not to go? and where.

So,

I'm still dancing between Medicine at UNSW and Arts/Law/Commerce in Melbourne Uni or Monash. (IF I get into both). Honestly, both are equally desirable and repellent. Having to uproot here and pretty much rebuild a new life, it's a pretty scary, intimidating thought. 

Nevertheless, starting afresh in a new environment, around new people does hold its appeal. It would be a challenge. But a part of me craves for exactly that: the opportunity to test myself, to see how I would do if I was thrown into the deep end, without the stability and support that I've had all my life. I'm curious. Would I flourish, capable of standing on my own two feet, by my own strength? Or would I flounder, fall to pieces without my ever-present protective bubble?

Besides, other than family, I don't think I'd really be missed by anyone in Melbourne anyway. Of course I have friends here. But I feel as though my absence wouldn't make much of a difference at all. Sure my not being there would be noticed, but no more than that, I don't think. Ouch. Reality kinda stings. A lot. Ugh why am I being so depressing? I know, I know. It's terrible. To want to leave just to see who would care. Not to mention awfully selfish. Man I really need to reshuffle my priorities and values. And concentrate on studies.

I'll probably end up staying here anyway seeing as I'll have to get a ridiculously high ATAR to get into UNSW. So we'll probably never know how I'd go. Or perhaps we will. Idk. djopfkaokdpaojfsdgj.

I wouldn't mind going to Melbourne Uni. I can imagine enjoying the solitary train rides there on a weekly basis. Am I choosing universities and courses for the completely wrong reasons? Haha. Maybe. Maybee.

On verra.
Erica

#year12life

Why hello, dear friend.

Apologies for neglecting you this year. I've just been overwhelmed with, well, life and the commitments, responsibilities and confusion it brings. Besides, it's been rather monotonous anyway. Same thing day after day, week after week of studyingstudyingstudying.

Bits and pieces of drama and mixed emotions that came with the final days of high school. Cried when I wasn't supposed to, the rose-tinted glasses through which I viewed my friendships were pulled off and smashed on the ground (I was expecting it though), a message at Epic that hit home...

But there was also laughter and fun, good memories and pleasant surprises. Moments of connection and understanding. Superhero day and Valedictory were definitely highlights.

And oh, all the best wishes, good lucks and prayers before my EAL exam. I feel extremely fortunate to have such supportive and thoughtful people around me. How. How can I ever complain? Ever? Man I'm far too spoilt. Need to give more. Givegivegive.

2 down, 3 to go. It hasn't been disastrous so far. Let's take that as a good sign.

Mechanically going through past papers.
I feel like a robot.
Me

Always on the move

What am I doing?

Idk. Idk what I'm doing. I'm not thinking, just doing. Doing, doing, doing. Acting. Moving. Advancing, hopefully.

My mind is always occupied, never idle.

Because if I stopped, I'd be overwhelmed. I'd get lost in the fog of my thoughts. Because it is a fog. Everything's blurred, confusing and I can't see very far into the future. I don't know what's up ahead.

Which is why I'm propelling myself forward, determined to embrace the unknown.

Because if I paused to think, the fear and apprehension might just freeze my feet and I'd be stuck for who knows how long.

Green lights all the way. I'm good to go. Whatever the future throws at me, I'll catch it or duck or get smacked in the face. I'll deal with it as it comes.

I'll cope.
Me

Petty Rivalry

No.

Competitive spirit. Petty rivalry. Be gone with you. Go away. Far, far away.

You shall not rule me with your dirty jealousies and slithering wishes of woe.

You are irrational and stupid and you bring nothing but niggling feelings of discontentment. I will purge myself, scrub my body, soul and mind of your filth. I will scrape off every part of that envious slime.

I will not harbour any cloaked hopes of the other's demise. Dark, hidden desires will not lurk in unseen corners to jump out when least expected. I will force them into the light and watch them shrivel, burn and cease to exist.

I will learn to love, to appreciate, to uplift.

To love unselfishly and genuinely wish for the other person's success.
To appreciate their beauty, their fire, their sparkle even more because I am lacking.
To uplift with sincere encouragements.

Today, I am free.

Minor changes

She compared the two photographs.

One from a year ago, one from yesterday.

Time had changed her once youthful face, it had aged (far too much for the passing of one year)

The tilt of her upward chin used to speak of confidence and promise. Disappointments now angled it towards the ground, as if resigned to the whisper: The stars are unreachable. You won't make it. Don't try.

The strained smile of the second photo couldn't hope to compete against the effortless grin that of the first. It was less than a shadow.

And her eyes. Oh what happened to those animated eyes, always curious, full of an obstinate energy? When had they been replaced by this empty, fatigued stare?

From afar, her features looked the same. But up close, the slight differences became unsettling.

She put the photographs away. To be forgotten.

There was no point dwelling in what used to be.

Caught between deep disappointment and resigned acceptance

Well,

UMAT scores came out Friday night. Ben tapped me on the shoulder at Epic and was like "Hey, UMAT scores are out." Completely unexpected. I jumped out of my seat and ran out side where everyone else was. You could feel the air mingled with disappointment or anticipation, depending on whether or not the person had checked.

Freak. freakfreakfreak. I'm not gonna get into med. I didn't do anywhere near well enough. I seem to be going in circles. One moment I'm okay with it. Really truly okay with not doing Medicine and doing something else. Like Law or Arts or Optometry. Then literally within the minute, it'll hit me that a seriously might not get a place in any med school anywhere and I'll feel like crying. Or actually cry if I'm talking to someone about it. And they'll convince me that other options are better anyway and I'll believe it. Swinging back and forth. Going nowhere.

I think my emotions are sick of the rollercoaster. But I still can't get off.

I never was completely decided and determined to do med anyway. So why am I tying myself into these knots? Well thing is, I know myself. If I do make up my mind that med is the only option, the one thing I want to do and I set my heart on it, and I don't get a place, I'd be crushed. So I try to keep my options open, convince myself I'd be happy doing whatever. Which I would be. Wouldn't I?

Okay stop stop stop. I'll stop worrying about it. Whatever happens will happen. And I'll just have to trust God that what does happen is what is meant to and I'll end up where I'm supposed to be.

Oh ye of little faith. :/
Me

C'est quoi, un ami?

What is friendship?

Is it really just an association that arises from nothing more than similar interests and backgrounds? No more than a product of frequent interaction resulting from overlapping circumstance? And once circumstances change, the friendship ends.

Well that's absolute rubbish.

Friendship to me was always something that goes deeper than that. It's supposed to be a lasting bond. Even with clashing personalities, differences in values or opinions or beliefs, it works somehow. It's built upon a mutual understanding, an acceptance of the other person: flawed character, annoying habits and all. No, it's not someone who happens to know how to say the right thing at the right moment to make you feel better, but it's someone who tries. Someone who wants to make you feel better, to build you up, to listen, is honest, cares enough to give you tough love when you need it.

Which one is the truer friend? The person you've spent the most time with, created the most memories with, laughed the most with? The person who best understands you? The person most apt at cheering you up? The person with the wisest advice? Or is it the person who just so happens to share your interests, hence with whom you have the most to talk about and enjoy spending time?

Honestly, I don't know anymore. But I do know it's not a real friendship if you have to pretend. And if you can't rely on them to be there when it counts. And if there's no trust.

Man, I don't want to lose my friends next year. It's not about moving on. It's about caring about what happens to the people that you've spent 6 years of your life with. It's about having people to fall back on when you need to rant or when you're feeling sad. Why start the whole long, tedious process of getting to know a stranger, who they are, how they are and why they are, when you already have people that get you? Well, get you better than anyone else at that point.

But I don't want to be the only one holding on either. Friendship is two-sided.

Ughhhh. I'm not gonna cry because it takes a lot to make me cry. But tears are welling up. Just a little. This is depressing.

Oh whateverr. I guess if it really does all fall to pieces, I was lucky enough to have good friends for the duration of high school. Something others aren't as fortunate to have had.

Dispirited but appreciative-ish.
Me

Formal Was Fun

Oh dear.

Maan I need to be more disciplined in blogging. How else am I gonna remember all those interesting/funny/fun moments in life? It's such a shame to live it and forget about it after. Okay not completely but a little. 

Anywho, MHS formal was last night. I have to say, I enjoyed myself much more than I had expected to. Yes, Vicky hyped it up a lot (what with guys stripping and a unicorn ice sculpture, what was I not to look forward to?), but I was still rather apprehensive about it all. I mean, it's basically a night where all the girls dress up and compare themselves. Who has the hotter date, gorgeous-er body, prettier face, the most friends to say "ehmagawsh HI! I love your dress! Let's take a photo! You look soooo pretty!" etcetc. 

But my friends knocked some sense into me. I was probably the only one thinking all that anyway. Silly me.

Food, atmosphere, venue, people, everything was positively pleasant. Chris was, reliably, the perfect gentleman. Hopefully I was an agreeable enough date and did not complain tooooo much about my poorpoor feet. Which I did fair bit of. Met Cathy, I really liked her. She had a genuine friendliness about her. Plus she pranked Din by putting butter in his orange juice. Funny. 

I liked all Chris' friends. Perhaps they reminded me of mine. HA. In the sense that they were comfortable with themselves, easy to talk to, funny aaaand just good company, really. 

OH best part of the night? When we walked from the Grand Hyatt to Hungry Jacks after formal. The temperature was perfect. And there was something liberating about walking barefoot on the cool pavement in the city during that transition between night and morning. The air smells different, feels different on your skin. Sure it was dirty and I take absolute care to make sure I did NOT stepp on anything gross (like poo) but.. Idk. It was lovely. 

Carving these memories into my brain,

Grateful,

Me.

Busy as a Bee

Okay.

I've been too greedy this year. I piled too much on my plate out of fear that I'd be left empty and hungry when it was too late and the food was all gone. I didn't want regrets, the 'if onlys' that I had done this or that. So what did I do? I grabbed all of it.

On top of maintaining the quality old friendships (they are so very precious to me), I threw all efforts into deepening younger friendships and making new ones. Yeah, there were some creases along the way, some misunderstandings. Nothing is perfect. But they got straightened out.

Then there's leading a Year 7 lifegroup, which I so enthusiastically picked up. I love it. I really do. I get to be a kid again. Connecting with the girls is energizing. They're full of life. Everything is so very bright and exciting in their eyes and I liked how some of that rubbed off on me. It reminded me a little of what I used to be like. But sometimes, just sometimes, it's the slightest bit draining to keep a sunshine-filled smile when I don't feel like smiling at all. Having said that, they really do manage to cheer me up on certain down days.

Work is fun. A distraction from studies (it's rather brainless), I get to hang with different people whilst earning me some money. Productive time away from studies is good. But it does take up a fair bit of time. I miss having the time to take walks by myself, listening to music, chasing sunsets, taking photos of pretty things.

Holidays was busybusybusy too. There was something to do, someone to see, somewhere to go practically every single day. Yeah it was fun and I had memorable moments but I had intended it to be way more laid back. Don't know what happened. I didn't even get to spend much time with Tess.

Yes, I've been keeping up with my studies just fine. And I was happily, productively chugging along at the beginning of the year, but somewhere along the way, something changed.

I've been having more ughhh days where I talking to people is an uphill climb. And I have to put up the cheery, talkative, bubbly front that I usually am. If I don't, people seem to think something's wrong. I'm not sad. There's nothing to be sad about. I just don't feel very cheery/talkative/bubbly that day. And I get ohsostupidly insecure and sensitive. I misread people (not that I'm all that great at reading people in the first place). What is wronggg with mee?

So what now? I can't drop anything. I just have to make time to chill a little I guess. Be more efficient with my time. Spend more time with God. Cope.

I will survive. Please. I can handle Year 12. No biggie.

Drained, exhausted, tiiiiiired.
Determined.
Me

How the freaking hell do you help someone that refuses to be helped?

Fallen from my cloud of bliss

Here's why I'm not crazy passionate about anything. Why I don't get worked up too much about things. Why I make sure I don't want anything too badly.

It prevents disappointment. Tears. That feeling of helplessness, knowing things are how they are and you're powerless to change it.

See the one thing that I flung all hope into, that I was willing to commit to, that I pushed for, that I just really, really wanted. Yeah well it's a no-go. 

Thing is, I was completely fine with not going to Cambodia. I knew it clashed with our flight to Malaysia and it was fine. 

Then Josh convinced me to try for it. Mum and Dad said we could change the flight and encouraged me to apply. I found out Kim and Melody and Faith were going. So I threw all my effort into the application, knowing it was past the deadline, hoping, hoping, wishing, praying. 

My fault. I psyched myself out. Hyped it. Got excited over evidently false hopes. Huh. How stupid. 

I used to say low expectations means no disappointment. And I was perfectly content living like that. But no. I had to expect more, want more. 

Greedy me.

Man what's up with me these few weeks? I've been extra emotional and moody when I used to be detached, untouched on my cloud of happyhappyhappy. I've cried more these 2 weeks than I have this whole year. Maybe even last year. I never cry. Whut.

A Series of Dreams

So,

I experienced an out-of-the-ordinary number of dream-filled nights. They weren't great restful sleeps but they were definitely interesting. Here are the fragments that I remember from the bizarre collection of dreams.

There's a wide dining room. Round tables covered in red cloth and chairs all around. It's bright, with clear, glass windows showing patches of sky. 2 birds, a pigeon and a coloured one. Both are flying frantically throughout the room. The sound of flapping and squawking create an atmosphere of chaos and desperation. The birds become increasingly anxious. They see the unreachable blue sky outside and the spacious room seems to shrink, constricting, trapping, suffocating. People, who appear to have been active but unobserved the whole time come to focus. They are chasing, trying to direct the birds to an opening down low. Their efforts are in vain. The birds crash into them and claw at their arms, unable to comprehend their intention and ability to help.

A young girl with dark eyes and hair. She carries an aura of darkness. She has some kind of malevolent purpose. She finds an ally and they attempt to break into a highly secure...? Some sort of institution? A safe? They try to infiltrate whatever it was and its security system traps them in a metal room. They are locked. She pulls out a long, curved knife and slices through the thick metal doors, as if it's no more than paper. Through one layer of defence, then another.

Vines. Green, winding, stretching upwards. It's some sort of game. I have to plant a certain flower to unlock specific abilities? To score points? To obtain hints to get to the next level? The flower is planted. Something blings.

My subconscious being weird.
Me.

Weekends.

So.

Got extremely sick of studying and took a weekend off. Youth Alive was on Friday and I jump-danced the Year 12 stress away. Only at the back of my mind came the annoyingly familiar little whisperings that set me on edge and made me stupidly self-conscious. Of course none of it showed. But I couldn't shrug off the awful feeling that everyone had matured, grown into confident, beautiful people while I was stuck with the same old me who had just gotten better at pretending.

But no. I will not be patronised. Inferiority complexes are stupid. I am who I am. Be it sickeningly sweet or snappy, insecure or arrogant, friendly or cold, nonchalant or overly sensitive or all at the same time.

Oh Erica, when will you ever learn that it's not possible to please everybody? That you won't always be liked by everyone nor do you need to be.

Spent Saturday night home alone. There's something liberating of having the house to yourself. You sing, dance, play music, watch movies, cook dinner, laugh for no reason, spin, jump, skip. No one's watching. No need to feign confidence, to pretend you care or don't care, no one to please. Sweet freedom.

Anyhow, here's to Monday. With Monday came a strange lightness. A welcomed lightness. Perhaps I have finally moved past those teenage angsty moments and emerged with a new self-assurance.

Lol. I'll bet it's temporary. But then everything's temporary. And I'm good with that.

Forever learning,
Me.

Psh. Who needs people anyway? :P

Questions

Lately,

I've been questioning everything. People, the extent of their goodness, me, the extent of my goodness.. Heck I'm even questioning why I'm questioning all this when I'm supposed to be the optimistic one who sees only the good in people rather than picking on the little flaws in their character. What. Is. Up. With. Me?

I have no right to complain about the failings of others when I myself have piled up a mini mountain of ulterior motives and selfish thoughts. 

But I've come to the temporary conclusion I prefer mean people. Not "I want to hurt you" kind of mean, but the kind that's just plain honest. No honeyed words, no empty compliments, no feigned concern. They don't act like they care when they don't. They're comfortable with who they are and don't feel the need to please everybody. They tend to be the more accepting ones who aren't so judgemental. 

Whereas nice people, oh nice people. 

Case A: They're mean people covering it up. Self-righteous hypocrites that have underlying motives beneath their niceness. But of course they slip up and when you see a glimpse of their ugly side, your world is shattered. Because they weren't what you expected, what you perceived them to be, what they portrayed to be.

Case B: People with self-esteem issues who are so reliant on the approval of others that they feel the constant need to keep up this "nice' appearance. They are easy targets for people to use and take advantage of. 

What happened to kind people who are kind because it's the right thing to do? People who are friendly because it'll make someone's day brighter? 

EEEEEK. I'm being so cynical. This is going against ericaness. I need to stop with this negative thinking. Stop. Gotta remind myself that there IS hope for humanity and people ARE ultimately good.

I need someone to renew my belief in the goodness of mankind. lol.

Me.

It's weird.

It's weird.

But less weird than before in a way.

Busiest I've ever been

One word to describe Term 1 holidays of Year 12? Hectic.

Let's see. Easter Friday, oh the drama that came with that.

Then aforementioned Sunday picnic. 

Monday was lunch with Chewy. Man I don't get how people are so generous. He shouted me lunch AND paid for half the cost of my phone case. I gotta learn to be more giving and less stingey. Anyway, he listened to me rant my heart out and we bumped into Chai. Who also got a brief summary of my jumbled up mind. lol. 

Tuesday was Ah Ma's birthday dinner. Vegetarian restaurant!

Wednesday, DAVID AND SUMIN WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET. Grh. Oh well, still had a kind of ish not really productive study session at the State Library with Sumin and Josh. Then Chris came and we visited the Korean tables. :) Then we met up with Evelyn and watched GI Joe. Evelyn is actually quite sweet in a non-pretentious way. Which is confusing because of the whole Kim bullying thing. I get this positive impression, then hear of the things they've done and it just doesn't add up. Ugh. Don't understand.

Thursday was Elaine's House of Cards party! Isabel managed to get my head in a right state. ish. lol. no. I still don't know what's going on.

Friday: Lifegroup social. Walked for flipping 30 minutes to get to Caribbean Rollerama because I stupidly assumed and didn't check where it was. Enjoyed hanging out with the bright, energy-filled Year 7 girls. So full of a confidence that I don't think I had back then. Ohhh and then a massive mess with Isabel when getting to the Comedy Festival in the city. Tickets were left at home, there was a whole lotta of walking, texting, frustration, late-ness, confusion.. BUT we survived and got relatively good seats to watch Josh Thomas. Crude but entertaining. His awkwardness is rather endearing.

Sunday, FINALLY a day of rest. Only not really because I had to spend it doing homework.

Monday: Supposed to go swimming with the dolphins. But lethargy was seeping into my bones and I just really didn't have the energy. Chill day at the beach, fish&chips, holiday house visiting with family.

Tuesday was another rest day. Ish.

Wednesday I had my first shift at Subway! Lights blacked out. I'm a lucky one. It was fun because everything was new. It'll get old soon but I'll enjoy the newness for now. Free cookies. :)

Thursday: Early b'day with friends. Easy-going day. Watched Silver Linings Playbook. Played Harry Potter. Ate yummy food. I greatly appreciate the 

Friday was super fun. Lunch with the usual church gang. Identity Thief was the movie. Dawn Budgie was INFURIATING. A downright horrible person. Then, don't laugh, we had 3 hours to kill, we played truth or dare. HA. We extracted pieces of information about each other's love life. They now have a dramatised version of my brain/heart dilemma. LOL. Bus-ed to Drench night.

Sunday: Another intense day. Subway in the morning. I got to serve up front! Youth leader's meeting in the afternoon. Kate and Amy's surprise birthday at Shine bar. And family movie time at night. Oblivion was a confusing movie. I kinda get it now.

Which brings me to today. 15th of April. Stayed home, did homework, played CandyCrush, went to the bank. Thankfully uneventful.

School tmrw. Fantastic. Hopefully it'll be less tiring than these holidays.

Exhausted. But no, no regrets. I lived this holiday to the fullest.

Me.

A Slight Mess

So,

Since holidays started, I've only spent one entire day at home. Literally been out every single day. How did that even happen? I'm losing track of everything I've done and everything I've yet to do. It's been absolutely heaps of fun seeing people everyday. Extrovert me is ecstatic, I'm sure.

But.

Introvert me is screaming "leave me alone. don't want to see people. people suck. i wanna stay in bed and listen to music and not move or worry about anything." But no. Every moment I spend at home has to be spent studying. I haven't been doing too great a job at that either.

Ugh.

There's just this sense of dissatisfaction with everything. Whyy? NO. Not because of him. I refuse to admit that. No. Freaking. Way.

Nah it's just lethargy seeping into my bones. I now understand another form of meanness. It's unintentional. The person has just used up all their "friendly" energy and no longer have the capacity to smile and strike up yet another meaningless conversation. But with the right people, it's okay. Because then it's not meaningless.

And still I feel this constant urge to be doingdoingdoing. Whut.

I really don't understand you, Erica. Not at all.

Ha. Talking to myself. I must be going nuts.
Me

Blowing things out of proportion

Gah.

As much as I'm pretending I don't care (I don't!), I do. All the maybe's. The could-have-been's. The promises that are clearly not going to be kept. Empty words.

OKAY. That was it. Last last last bit of patheticness. I'm done done done done done done. Over it. Over it over it over it over it. If I say it enough times, it'll come true, right? No. Not a question. It will come true.

Ughh why am I being so silly? -whacks head- Girl, you need some sense knocked into you. There was nothing there. Twas all imaginary, dear.

Haha. Oh gosh. I'm making such a big deal out of something so minuscule. Sleeping at 1 am two nights in a row is making me uncharacteristically melodramatic.

I'll bet anything my mind is blowing everything way out of proportion.

Man I gotta stop doing that.

Anyway, I did have a lovely day. Lifegroup BBQ. Soccer. Food. Left my phone and bag unattended (technically not because my friends were there), and they took a bunch of selfies and left a video warning me to not leave my bag unattended. Whoops. Headed back to the Sim's house. Walked to Knox with Kendrick to pick up his suit. It didn't seem pathetic or whatever when he talked about his break up. I think the trick is how you tell the story. And how you choose to see it. And from who's perspective it's coming from.

Jam session. Singing and guitar. I never knew Kendrick was that musically talented. We even wrote the first verse and chorus of an excessively cheesy song. Ha. It was fun though.

Me.

Ridiculously Idiotic

Ugh.

I am rather disappointed in you myself. How could I have let myself be so stupidly blind and naive and just plain idiotic. Seriously. I knew I KNEW I was setting myself for hurt. And yet there I continued, pretending it was nothing, that I was handling it perfectly fine. 

But no. I'm not the only one to blame. No way. You. You just. ugh. just. uggggh. Must you have been so annoyingly present all the time? Like a loose hair; sticking out, constantly just there and no matter how much I tried to flatten it or pretend it wasn't there. It freaking still was. No. You didn't help at all. Not with your double meaning words and vague comments that seemed like affectionate compliments. Ha. Ha. See, the thing is, I knew what I was dealing with. I was super duper careful. I knew I was reading too much into things, as I always do. I knewknewknew it didn't mean anything but a secret (RIDICULOUSLY IDIOTIC) part of me wanted it to. Why? We were so very incompatibly different. Opposites in a way. I guess I've just always wanted to make a difference in someone's life. Change it. Fix it. And you provided that opportunity. Or my brain made you out to be. Whichever. I don't know any more. Doesn't matter. 

No. You definitely didn't help. Intentionally or haphazardly putting thoughts of ugh, you, into my easily impressionable mind. Just before bed too. Manipulative much? Or careless. Either way, not very considerate of you.

An irritating thought: that by ranting about you here, you've won. Because it shows that somehow, I have no idea how, you've crept under my skin. You've managed to weasel your way into the exclusive section where the things that matter are kept. But whatever. I'm sure you didn't care, so I'll rant all I want and you won't have won because I'm digging you right back out and keeping you at a safe distance. I was doing that all along anyway. Which is why I'm fine. Not heartbroken, pining, pathetic. Not in the least. 

You do have a heart, I think. You choose not to listen to it. Because it's easier to treat everything like a joke, to ignore the fact that people have feelings. Maybe. Sure, nonchalant indifference may seem like the way to go. But seriously dude, one day you might actually hurt a poor, unsuspecting soul and "I didn't mean to" just ain't gonna cut it. 

But yeah. It'd be nice if you could just go away and stop confusing me. Just please. Ugh. Leave.

Or don't. I don't particularly care.

Me.

PS: Thanks though. It was fun. Haha

Life's fairness

So today,

Sumin was told me about how her parents put a mountain's weight of pressure on her to do well academically. They're expectations are far beyond reasonable or achievable. Sumin is one of THE most hardworking people I know. Gosh whenever I hear how much she's done, I feel guilty. It's insane how much effort she puts into her work. And yet, her parents don't still don't think she's trying her best. Like. WHAT.And they constantly compare her with other people and it's just ridiculous.

I realised how lucky I am to have such supportive parents. And how unfair life is. And how much undeserving I am. Like. I don't work half as hard as Sumin does. She deserves to have her effort acknowledged. She deserves to be encouraged and lifted up by her parents. I'm sure they love her and just don't know how to help her, but still.

Why do I get to have it so easy? It's not fair. I feel like I want other people to have my life. Don't get me wrong, I love my life (most of the time). But I have all these well, resources?, that should be shared or something. Everyone should be this fortunate. No one should have to go through so much pain.

aoisdgjopsdgopsgkpodgj. idk. I actually got slightly, uncharacteristically, emotional when trying to convince Sumin that she IS capable and doing amazingly well in spite of what her parents believe.

Weird.
Me.

Caged in an Unwanted Persona

Ugh.

Why is it that I supposedly STILL have this aura of "innocence"?. I thought I'd shrugged that off years ago when I, well, grew up. I seem to be continually treated like a kid, as if I don't understand matters of the world. (Okay some things remain confusing BUT) I think I've matured thankyouverymuch. Give me some credit. I'm not longer that naive, ignorant Year 7 girl that moved here in 2008. 

But what is it? My face? Short height? Mannerisms? The way I speak? How I dress? What is it that keeps me trapped in this persona of "innocence"?! Whatever it is, I want to know. So I at least understand the reason people don't take me seriously and disregard me as a child. Am I forever to be stuck in this suffocating box, labelled as the "nice, good, Christian girl". I mean, yeah, being nice and good is great. And I'm proud of the fact that I'm Christian. But I'd like to think I'm more than that, that there's more to me than plain niceness. 

Because really, what's so freaking fantastic about being nice? Nothing. There's no depth to it. It's a shallow, surface appearance. Nice. It's completely insignificant, a word people throw around when they want to use an adjective for the sake of using and adjective. It describes nothing. "Oh, that's nice" "Nice shirt" "She's nice". Ugh. I might just be developing a dislike for the N word. 

Resilient, kind, beautiful, engaging, thoughtful, considerate, strong, sincere, courageous. Why not use those words? They carry so much more meaning. 

Frustrated,

Erica

The Best for Last

House Concerts.

Funny how everything seems all the more significant when it's the "last" one. I guess it was sort of the best one. I was much more involved than I've ever been (thought process: it's the last). Anyway, co-heading singing was crazy. Okay, being unmusically talented, Gabby handled most of the music part. But just organising everyone, getting them to come to rehearsal, singing in tune and pulling everything together in a matter of 2 weeks is insane. Especially when I decided to go for dancing too. Excuse? It's our last one. bhaha.

Anywho, an extremely busy 2 weeks whooshed past and now it's over. In spite of Rosslyn, rather predictably tbh, not winning anything, I loved every moment of it. We got to act like gangsters and yowhaddup each other on stage. What's not to love? Credits to Sumin for attempting to teach me how to sing for the entire geo excursion so I wouldn't completely embarrass myself when I sang "It's just you are my heaveeeen." haha. Honestly, there are many talented people at PLC. I can't even begin to compete. But you know what? I'm done comparing. At least while my rational mind is in control. Ask me again in a week and the silly part of me might be like. Everyone's perfect. Life sucks. Whyyyy must I be me and not -insert name-.

I've noticed though that rational me is often non-sleep deprived me. Not always, but often.

I'm gonna miss high school when it's over.

BUT according to Tess, uni sounds like a blast.

I've been living on the surface lately. Being busy keeps my thoughts occupied. Not quite happier, but. idk. Can't decide if I like this me or not. Then again, I've never completely liked "me", whatever me I'm being. because I never know for sure that the me I'm being is absolutely me. Can someone just tell me who me is?
Bad grammar. Let me rephrase.

Could someone please just tell me who I am?
Erica.

I Don't Even.

Sigh.

There are so many things I just don't understand. I can't even begin to understand. Human beings are such complex creatures. I don't understand myself. Who I am, what I want, not even how I think sometimes. So obviously I'm not gonna get anywhere near understanding the rest of the human race.

How is it that some people can treat other people like rubbish? To be toyed with, used then thrown away at their own whim. Does it not occur to them that this fellow person feels? Feels pain, hurt and anger the same way they do.That this person might carry all of it with them for who knows how long, stifled and unable to find happiness because they were constantly weighed down by this black burden of awful. If they did, maybe they would think twice before flinging careless remarks, acting thoughtlessly.

On the other hand there are those who are just so utterly selfless. They give and give and give. Is their capacity to give endless? If so, how do they do it? Don't you run out of yourself to offer? How does one stop calculating, stop making sure one doesn't give one smidgen more than the other? Because that just isn't the way to live.

And yet, I want to stop contemplating all this, to stop trying to understand and just be. To just do whatever I feel like at the moment I feel like doing it. To take risks. To be more daring. To adventure into the unknown.

Because I feel like I ain't ever going to understand anyway.

Sigh,
Me.

MedEntry

Right.

Spent 2 full days at RMIT doing this preparation course for the UMAT with Chris and David. Fun.

Okay it wasn't that bad. I mean the guy "lecturing" kept it engaging and cracked jokes. It was just extremely straining on the brain. It's hard. You have to stream your mind into thinking a certain way, at a certain level, the way they want you to think.

Anywho, Chris was easy to get along with, David was quieter but chill.

I kinda like Melbourne city actually. It's so bustling. You can just wander aimlessly along the streets and glance at the never-ending stream of passerbys. People of all ages, dressed in varieties of clothes, going different places, with unique stories.

Wow deja vu. Have I talked about this before?

Oh well.

They gave us tips of becoming more likeable for the interview. lol. And that CCI (commitment to constant improvement?) was oh-so important. It was fascinating. haha.

Korean tables. <3
Me

Uniquely Awesome People

I can't be bothered doing this.

BUT I'll be disciplined and record past activities for reminiscing purposes if I ever decide to. Future self, you had better be grateful.

Had a bake day with Sumin. She's such a warm, fun-loving person. And then I found out that she had this  outlook on life that was completely different from what I would've expected. Just goes to show that you never really know a person until you really talk to them and try getting to know them better. We bonded over nail-painting, baking oreo cake and dancing like crazy to random music in my backyard. I realised just how much I love just dancing prancing around to music. It's freeing; your worries fly away as you fling your arms in random directions and twirl and skip.

Isabel came over. It was a chill day. I love knowing someone for so long that being around them is just comfortable. They get you as well as someone can get someone who doesn't get themselves. Anywho, she attempted to teach me how to play League of Legends. I kind of improved? Still suck though.

Watched Les miserables with the church gang. The movie itself was pretty entertaining. Sad story, typical catchy musical-y songs. I liked it. :) But I realized it's not worth it. Mixed messages are too confusing and occupy too much of my thoughts. I've wasted so much time on something so, well, silly. That's me, always overanalyzing things. Ah well. I'm done. Not doing it anymore. Not this year. Watch me.

Te Liang and Jen came over twice. They're really cool people to be around. They are people who just are, not caring about anything else. We talked about anything, watched Kim Possible, played a Lord of the Rings board game (for flipping 3 hours ish), ate. Oh and they fraped me. lol.

Why does the fun have to end?
Me.

Dilemma

stupidstupidstupid. STOP.

You're being unreasonable, naive, silly, irrational.

Go on this way and you're gonna get hurt.

So stop. Just block it all out.

Take a deep breath and breathe all the stupidity out. Clear your mind, think for a second and you'll realize just how ridiculous you're being.

OH WAIT. My resolution was to not think so much. lololol. Maybe thinking isn't so bad. I mean, it stops you from getting hurt, right? Yeah, true. But thinking can potentially stop you from living life too. Hm. Dilemma.

Not thinking makes you do stupid, impulsive things. But thinking stupid things is just as bad, right? Uh. Mind-boggled.

To think or to not think, that is the question.
Me

Sick

Sick.

Actual sick for the first time in a long time. I've forgotten what it feels like. I guess it's good that I am. Reminds me that I'm not invincible, that I'm human. ha. I'll remember this horrible, weak feeling for the next time I think life or time is infinite. Because it ain't.

Anywho, things I've noticed while feverish, chucking up everything, in a haze:

Water tastes sweet. interesting.

Patience wears thin very easily.

How much it makes you feel better when people show they care.

Things seem to matter less. kind of. some things anyway.

Time passes both slower and faster.

I'm much more melodramatic. lol

Well that's all my disease-ridden brain is capable of spewing out,
Erica

Family Bonding Time

So,

Ee Ee and grandparents came to stay over, hence we went out lots. Seriously, we went grocery shopping at BoxHill, Chaddie, Caribbean Market and Glen practically 6 days in a row because we kept forgetting to buy, ran out, wanted to eat/cook something. The house was always filled and busy. I liked it. But then there were days when I started getting really edgy. Perhaps I was spending too much family time. I know, terrible.. I got snappy and mean. lol. Then there were happyhappyhappy talky days. And days where I teared up or burst out in heated attack over nothing. It's weird.

Perks of visiting family? (other than their lovely company of course)

1. HOT AIR BALLOONING!
It was amazing, incredible, wonderful. We woke up at 3am, started setting up the balloon before the crack of dawn. The balloon was huge. Just as the sky started lighting up, we rose higher and higher. It felt surreal, as if I was in some sort of fairytale. The idea of being in a basket lifted by a giant balloon is just so fantastical. I loved how everything grew smaller. It's different from watching things decrease in size on a plane. Here, I felt like I could reach over the basket and touch the little houses, moving miniature horses, pinky-sized trees. Then the sun rose and it was gorgeous, flaming orange. The clouds were super pretty too, as always. The start of the day was topped with the perfect icing of a buffet breakfast. Hee.

2. Jogging
Only twice with Ee Ee. It was good though, that she convinced me to do some form of physical exercise. It felt good too. In spite of the aching muscles the day after. Plus she taught me some boxing. :)

3. Dinner at Spice Temple. Lunch at Kobe Jones.
Yummyyummyyummy food. :)

4. Conversations. Beaches. Words of wisdom/advice from the older generation. Bahhaa.

If I do nothing else for what's left of these holidays (not long to go D:), I'd still consider them well spent.
Erica

twenty thirteen

2013.

Why hello there. I wonder what you'll be like.

Anywho, this year,

1. I will study my butt off to do exceptionally well in VCE. Above 40 for every subject ideally.
   
2. I will get a job and be productive with my time.
   
3. I will strive to build meaningful relationships with people rather than have "friends" that I just hang out with. I want to be someone people can count on, rant to, be themselves and act silly with.
   
4. I will try living by this >> http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/lets-talk-about-the-things-that-matter/#bFgRCcDKvO2Ex2wG.01
   
5. I will enjoy every moment of my youth because one day, I'll be old and it'll all become no more than stories and hazy memories.
   
6. I will stop overthinking and overanalysing things and start just being, doing, saying.

Oh gosh. Last year of high school. My mind is having a hard time registering that fact. Fudge. Poof. Yikes.

So farewell to thee 2012. Wish me luck as I walk into the arms of a new year. Friend or foe, I've yet to know. haha.

Sincerely,
Rica.