It's not about coming first

I think,

I'm not very good at friendships. Like real friendships. Sure I've become better at socialising than I used to be; I've learnt to laugh, chat, joke and tell stories with a feigned confidence that hides the part of me that feels uncertain, awkward and shy. But when it comes to making true friends, I can't seem to grasp it.

I'm too naive to give good advice, I fail to "join in the bitching" when a friend needs to rant because I'll try to defend the opposing party, I don't make enough of an effort to keep in touch with those I don't see unless they initiate it, I'm not generous enough. So I'm never the first person that others turn to in their time of need.

Am I easily forgotten? Perhaps. My presence is acceptable, maybe even pleasant but my absence goes unnoticed. I am replaceable. I don't mean much. I need to be better.

Then again, when it comes to things that really matter to me, I tend not to share. Or don't know how to. At least, not until time has passed and I'm emotionally detached enough from the issue and have mentally prepared myself enough to become capable of putting whatever it is into spoken words. The more you give the more you receive, and I guess I don't give enough.

Or maybe I just have a too unrealistic idea of what friendship is supposed to be. I've put it on a pedestal, basing the reality of friendship on its fictional portrayals in movies and books.

But okayokayokay. It's not about loving to be loved, but to love unconditionally. To give without expecting anything in return. To pour my time and effort into my friends by making myself an option when they need a shoulder to cry on, encouragement, support, a friend to chill with. Then dealing with the hurt if they choose someone else because it's not about me. It's about them receiving the help that they need. Learning to not get hurt because that's just life and it's not about coming first.

I'm trying.
Me.