Blowing things out of proportion

Gah.

As much as I'm pretending I don't care (I don't!), I do. All the maybe's. The could-have-been's. The promises that are clearly not going to be kept. Empty words.

OKAY. That was it. Last last last bit of patheticness. I'm done done done done done done. Over it. Over it over it over it over it. If I say it enough times, it'll come true, right? No. Not a question. It will come true.

Ughh why am I being so silly? -whacks head- Girl, you need some sense knocked into you. There was nothing there. Twas all imaginary, dear.

Haha. Oh gosh. I'm making such a big deal out of something so minuscule. Sleeping at 1 am two nights in a row is making me uncharacteristically melodramatic.

I'll bet anything my mind is blowing everything way out of proportion.

Man I gotta stop doing that.

Anyway, I did have a lovely day. Lifegroup BBQ. Soccer. Food. Left my phone and bag unattended (technically not because my friends were there), and they took a bunch of selfies and left a video warning me to not leave my bag unattended. Whoops. Headed back to the Sim's house. Walked to Knox with Kendrick to pick up his suit. It didn't seem pathetic or whatever when he talked about his break up. I think the trick is how you tell the story. And how you choose to see it. And from who's perspective it's coming from.

Jam session. Singing and guitar. I never knew Kendrick was that musically talented. We even wrote the first verse and chorus of an excessively cheesy song. Ha. It was fun though.

Me.

Ridiculously Idiotic

Ugh.

I am rather disappointed in you myself. How could I have let myself be so stupidly blind and naive and just plain idiotic. Seriously. I knew I KNEW I was setting myself for hurt. And yet there I continued, pretending it was nothing, that I was handling it perfectly fine. 

But no. I'm not the only one to blame. No way. You. You just. ugh. just. uggggh. Must you have been so annoyingly present all the time? Like a loose hair; sticking out, constantly just there and no matter how much I tried to flatten it or pretend it wasn't there. It freaking still was. No. You didn't help at all. Not with your double meaning words and vague comments that seemed like affectionate compliments. Ha. Ha. See, the thing is, I knew what I was dealing with. I was super duper careful. I knew I was reading too much into things, as I always do. I knewknewknew it didn't mean anything but a secret (RIDICULOUSLY IDIOTIC) part of me wanted it to. Why? We were so very incompatibly different. Opposites in a way. I guess I've just always wanted to make a difference in someone's life. Change it. Fix it. And you provided that opportunity. Or my brain made you out to be. Whichever. I don't know any more. Doesn't matter. 

No. You definitely didn't help. Intentionally or haphazardly putting thoughts of ugh, you, into my easily impressionable mind. Just before bed too. Manipulative much? Or careless. Either way, not very considerate of you.

An irritating thought: that by ranting about you here, you've won. Because it shows that somehow, I have no idea how, you've crept under my skin. You've managed to weasel your way into the exclusive section where the things that matter are kept. But whatever. I'm sure you didn't care, so I'll rant all I want and you won't have won because I'm digging you right back out and keeping you at a safe distance. I was doing that all along anyway. Which is why I'm fine. Not heartbroken, pining, pathetic. Not in the least. 

You do have a heart, I think. You choose not to listen to it. Because it's easier to treat everything like a joke, to ignore the fact that people have feelings. Maybe. Sure, nonchalant indifference may seem like the way to go. But seriously dude, one day you might actually hurt a poor, unsuspecting soul and "I didn't mean to" just ain't gonna cut it. 

But yeah. It'd be nice if you could just go away and stop confusing me. Just please. Ugh. Leave.

Or don't. I don't particularly care.

Me.

PS: Thanks though. It was fun. Haha

Life's fairness

So today,

Sumin was told me about how her parents put a mountain's weight of pressure on her to do well academically. They're expectations are far beyond reasonable or achievable. Sumin is one of THE most hardworking people I know. Gosh whenever I hear how much she's done, I feel guilty. It's insane how much effort she puts into her work. And yet, her parents don't still don't think she's trying her best. Like. WHAT.And they constantly compare her with other people and it's just ridiculous.

I realised how lucky I am to have such supportive parents. And how unfair life is. And how much undeserving I am. Like. I don't work half as hard as Sumin does. She deserves to have her effort acknowledged. She deserves to be encouraged and lifted up by her parents. I'm sure they love her and just don't know how to help her, but still.

Why do I get to have it so easy? It's not fair. I feel like I want other people to have my life. Don't get me wrong, I love my life (most of the time). But I have all these well, resources?, that should be shared or something. Everyone should be this fortunate. No one should have to go through so much pain.

aoisdgjopsdgopsgkpodgj. idk. I actually got slightly, uncharacteristically, emotional when trying to convince Sumin that she IS capable and doing amazingly well in spite of what her parents believe.

Weird.
Me.

Caged in an Unwanted Persona

Ugh.

Why is it that I supposedly STILL have this aura of "innocence"?. I thought I'd shrugged that off years ago when I, well, grew up. I seem to be continually treated like a kid, as if I don't understand matters of the world. (Okay some things remain confusing BUT) I think I've matured thankyouverymuch. Give me some credit. I'm not longer that naive, ignorant Year 7 girl that moved here in 2008. 

But what is it? My face? Short height? Mannerisms? The way I speak? How I dress? What is it that keeps me trapped in this persona of "innocence"?! Whatever it is, I want to know. So I at least understand the reason people don't take me seriously and disregard me as a child. Am I forever to be stuck in this suffocating box, labelled as the "nice, good, Christian girl". I mean, yeah, being nice and good is great. And I'm proud of the fact that I'm Christian. But I'd like to think I'm more than that, that there's more to me than plain niceness. 

Because really, what's so freaking fantastic about being nice? Nothing. There's no depth to it. It's a shallow, surface appearance. Nice. It's completely insignificant, a word people throw around when they want to use an adjective for the sake of using and adjective. It describes nothing. "Oh, that's nice" "Nice shirt" "She's nice". Ugh. I might just be developing a dislike for the N word. 

Resilient, kind, beautiful, engaging, thoughtful, considerate, strong, sincere, courageous. Why not use those words? They carry so much more meaning. 

Frustrated,

Erica