Neuroticism

"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days." The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

That's where I am right now. It's like I'm standing in the middle of a rambunctious platform. People are shoving, stepping, striding all around me. Two trains on either side of me are departing in opposite directions at the same time, soon. I'm torn. I turn from one side to the other, then to my wristwatch. My mind flicks through the potential people I could meet; experiences I could have; things I could see at either destinations. Both are equally appealing. The sense of urgency builds itself into a miniature tower inside my throat, constricting air flow. Knots of anxiety twist and tighten themselves in the pit of my stomach.

Whenever an option comes into consideration, my brain sneers, "You can't possibly want to go there. How ludicrous." and I'm yanked back to sitting on the fence, no closer to a decision. My mind deliberates and argues with itself. I think and think and think myself everywhere and end up going nowhere.

Time ticks and tocks and runs out. And yet there I remain, rooted to the concrete floor.

A bell sounds, wheels turn, metal screeches and just like that, the trains leave.

I'm left behind with a suitcase of belongings beside my feet, unmoved since 15 minutes ago when I first arrived. I had been so filled with determination to go somewhere, to move.

Like an opened floodgate, emotions tumble in: regret, frustration, anger, sadness, confusion

So, so many missed trains, opportunities, just because I couldn't decide on what I wanted.


This year will be different. I will figure myself out and get somewhere. Not just anywhere, but a where I want to be.
Me

Thoughtful silliness

Omigoodness. Just watched the best episode of Community.

Season 3, Episode 16: Virtual Systems Analysis

There was so much thought and emotion and insight in it. And it was funny and imaginative.

Loved it.

Wilson's Prom

Well,

6 day family holidays to Wilson's Prom! It was an enlightening experience. lol. Let's sum it up.

Hm. Food! (including Lao Mai Chi, banana bread, scrambled eggs, curry, pasta, BBQ, waffles, kebabs and a gazillion other things because we're a foodie family), truth or truth with Keira (she's so very mature for her age), daily ice-cream thanks to Auntie Dianne, trivia night, judging skits, handstands + cartwheels...

Wilson's Prom actually has the most gorgeous beach. I didn't appreciate it back in Year 8 with the horrible weather, but wow. The sand is so soft it feels like powder between your toes; the sky is in its full glory every second of the day (be it sunrise, sunset, rainy or cloudless noon); the ocean is just the bluest blue; the waves are the perfect height for attempting body surfing...

I was um. educated in the area of relationships and alcohol? LOL. Tried my first shot of raspberry vodka. Flo was like "Don't think. Just drink." And me, being the supposedly "impressionable" (ugh. wish I wasn't), did it. It went down my throat too fast to actually taste it. But what follows is a blooming warmth that spreads itself through your chest. It feels like scalding liquid that's subdued so it doesn't hurt but you feel the burn? Or a little flame burning inside you. lol idk. Lightheadedness ensued. And apparently I was talking slower and my eyes were dull and alert at the same time. Other than slight dizziness, I don't think I felt thaaat different. It wore off within like. 30 minutes? Not actually a big deal.

Boys are silly and gutless. Okay that was harsh. I think our expectations have just been pushed too high. Guys in real life aren't like those we see in books and movies and fairytales. At least, I haven't met one just yet. They aren't willing to go all out to chase you if they like you. If it's inconvenient for them, that's it. Missed opportunity.

Our family is so very quirky. Oh the heart wrenching stories and fascinatingly wide range of completely different personalities we have.

I definitely got to know them much better. Kind of love 'em all.
Erica

I got 3 shades (or more) shades tanner. D:

Positively Busy-ing

I. do not. like. organising things.

They never seem to work. People get sick, don't check facebook, are busy, have tuition... But anyway, I was determined to go to the beach to play soccer, regardless of who could or couldn't come. So I did. Tuesday. It ended up being just Chris, other Chris, Phil, Dong, Nicole, Kendrick, Martyn and me. We only played about 10 minutes of soccer (I know, disgraceful), made a sand turtle, fish and wall/crocodile. Being the genius I am, I didn't bring my bathers. Ha. Had to borrow Nicole's towel, Chris' spare board shorts and my top. My thought process? It's hot. Don't particularly want to third wheel with the couple. Everyone else is swimming. Stuff it. Yolo? I dried off fairly quickly, thank goodness. Was I out of my comfort zone? Yes. Regrets? That I forgot my flipping bathers. OH funny thing. All of us were squished on a bench eating sushi, when this little Caucasian girl with humongous eyes stared at us as she walked past. There's was something hilarious about her stunned? curious? expression. I couldn't stop laughing.

Baking day at Neha's. Teeeheee. We made lots and lots and lots and lots of food. Jelly, 3 types of cheesecake (raspberry, mango, oreo) and danish (apricot, choc banana, pb banana, choc, custard). Danish is insanely difficult, especially because it was a hooot day and the butter was melting everywhere. Ew. Fun though. I like Neh and Trace. They're a down-to-earthy and chill sort of people who are just easy to be with.

Spent Friday morning unpacking books. There's something special about old books with yellowed pages and folded edges. Bhaha. And I found the collection of stories I used to write when I was younger. The stories were.. simple and childish. But there was an honest quality to them; written down not to please or impress anyone, but because I felt like it. I think that's what I miss most about childhood ignorance innocence. Went shopping with Jackie at Chaddie in the afternoon. I unleashed my inner girliness. LOL.

Keeping busy,
Me

People

OOOH.

Borrowed Hayden's Perk's of Being a Wallflower for the span of second service. He makes interesting conversation. Different. Honestly, I felt... slightly inadequate and very unwise. But I like his frankness and he's actually an extremely nice kind person. Or appears to be. I haven't been a very good judge of character lately.

Before I forget, I do want to mention dinner with the Roar gang. Is it weird that I sometimes enjoy the company of people much older or much younger more than that of people my age?

Anywho, Kenneth, Kim, Josh, Mark, Emily, Jasmine and Shehan. We're an odd bunch. Ages ranging from 14 (i think?) to 30. But I liked talking to say, Kenneth. He makes a good friend because he's has more experience hence gives good advice and is insightful, while not so old as to become one of the "uncles".

Bad thing is they're so nice and pay for everything and therefore I end up eating a lot. Badbadbad. Schnitz for dinner followed by 3 cakes at The Coffee Club. No one seemed to be eating very much so I gobbled up a big portion of cake. EEEK. Been eating to much sugar.

So yeah,.
Erica

Relishing in the Now

Do excuse this sudden influx of posts.

I suddenly have lots to record. It's possibly because I've been unpacking and finding little pieces of my childhood and getting excited whenever I see something I wrote or drew. So here's me writing to potentially give my future self a smile. :P

It's the beginning of the end. We had our last last day of school. Oh dear. I can't believe that we'll be in Year 12 next year when I can so distinctly remember Year 7. I don't feel mature, experienced, wise enough to be so old. High school is flashing by so fast. I feel like I'm grasping the strings of time, trying to hold it down but it's silky string so it's slipping through my fingers. Sigh. Live in the moment. Enjoy right now else it'll be over and I'll have missed it.

Anywho, Patchwork was given out, a mini crane was made by a bored me while service awards were awarded, photo powerpoints and a reflection of 2012 presented by Ms Watkins, Social Work Committee announced (I promise to be wholeheartedly involved because it is something I care about), an extremely korean dance sesh with 11T and reports! Just the usual class-free day at PLC.

Then.. dun dun dun! Tracy, Vic, Isabel, Neha and I went to watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower. And cue life changing music. Heee. It was jam-packed with every emotion and had soul stuffed in every corner. Heart-wrenching, heart-warming and heart-breaking. Charlie was such an endearing character and Sam (Emma Watson!) was her usual charming, animated self. The stories were so relatable and encompassed the sufferings and joys of teenagehood. Proof? I never cry in movies, never ever (except once in My Sister's Keeper), but in Perks, the tears just wouldn't stop. It wasn't sad, exactly; more like I felt the character's feelings in my very core. Odd, right? I wasn't even sleep deprived or pms-ing. Bhaha. I need to watch it again. It's actually my new favourite movie.

"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."
Me.

Complicated

So,

I went to Evelyn's party on Tuesday. Lots of random, drunk Melbourne High guys. Go figure. I hung around with familiar faces and had a better time than I had expected. Had a sip of Mimosa? It was green, tasted and looked like detergent with a whole lot of sugar. Cloud gazing (no stars), comforting (attempting to comfort) Nathaniel who just broke up with his girlfriend, stealing Dong's cake, dancing, taking photos with Lily and Deb, sitting on couches and trampolines...

Oh yeah, Ben got super drunk and slept on me whilst rambling about random things. Apparently he forgot everything. Cool.

If I'm completely honest, I was annoyed. Maybe it's because I don't have a whole lot of experience with guys (going to a girls' school and all), but I didn't think you do that unless you felt something. It leads them on, doesn't it? But apparently that's what people do when they're drunk. Note to self: Don't fall for a player. Meh. Temporary lapse in judgement. I was being silly.

Besides, I got lots more embarrassing stories out of him. We're cool now. Still good friends. :) Another thing I don't understand. He keeps saying he feels guilty. Why though? It's supposedly normal for friends to get all touchy and huggy with friends when drunk, right? So why the guilt? Whyyyyy?

Man, I don't get it. Why must life be so complicated? I wish everyone was just completely forward and stopped playing games. Because then you can't differentiate what's a game and what's life. I admit, I'm guilty too. But it's a defence mechanism, you box up and hide away the most vulnerable part of yourself, protecting it with feigned cheeriness or nonchalance. I just wish it were otherwise.

Anyway, the Epic party was fun. I so wanted to play soccer but no one I knew there to shared my love for it. Listened to Mish and Hayden sing live. Watched and took bad phone photos of (Priella's fault) a beautiful sunset, from blue to radiant gold, to orange, to pink, to dark blue. Sat on the ground talking and completely not watching the movie (Ben's fault). Helped pack up. Went to Macca's. Brendan drove us home in the van. He drives like a maniac. Didn't get home till 1.30am ish. Mum stayed up for me. Sigh. It would've been fine if they just left the keys outside and let me let myself in.

Interesting week,
Erica

Striving for Unachievable Perfection

In this world,

You can't be too nice or too mean. Too skinny or too fat. Too loud or too quiet. Too outgoing or too shy. Too childish or too mature. Too lazy or too hard-working. Too funny or too serious. Too original or too mainstream.

You can't smile too much, laugh too much, frown too much or cry too much.You can't even be perfectly between both because then you're considered boring. So the only thing you can really be is, well, yourself, whoever that may be. "It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else." Because people are silly and expect everyone to be perfect because (even though?) they aren't themselves.

If everyone's perfect, then no one is. So if no one's perfect, everyone is. Everyone is perfect. Perfection is the combination of your qualities and flaws because these make the perfect you. But society pokes and prods, stretches and squishes you into become something else; creating a big mess of people trying, trying, trying to be more interesting, more popular, more "indie", less generic, less nerdy or whatever else. All they needed to do was just be.

Then they'd find the right people, belong and be happy.

Sincerely,
Me