One of those days

How do you find a balance between protecting yourself and being completely selfish?

Giving leaves you vulnerable. Be it your time, your thoughts, or any other part of yourself; you risk being taken advantage of, being rejected or left feeling even more alone. Opening up, like really opening up, is scaaary. You put yourself out there only to realise that you could never compete with everyone else. You don't want to. Look, I know it's not a competition, but it feels like I'm losing. Anyway, the point is, don't jump and you won't get hurt if no one catches you. Don't offer and you won't look stupid if no one needs what you're offering.

Okayokay. STOP. This is bad mentality. Psh, honestly Erica. Where are your morals?

It's not about me. It's about how I can use my life to add meaning to the lives of others, yes? About authenticity. Genuine love for others. The whole point is offering and offering and offering until it turns out to be just the thing that one person needs. And bam. Life change. And that makes it all worth it, right? Right. You jump, and it's okay if no one catches you, because God will. His love is enough, right? Right. You've been blessed with sososososososo much that if you didn't give as much as you could, you'd be a selfish, ungrateful brat, right? Right. Man I sound like some crazy person giving myself a pep talk.

I want to give. I do. To bless others. To share what I have. I do. It has just been an insecure, 'let'sgiveupwhoneedsfriends' few hours. BUT as Xavier said in X-men: Days of Future Past, somethingsomething those who lose their way, somethingsomething doesn't mean they've lost their path. Somethingsomething hope. I shall hunt for the actual quote.

edit: "Just because someone stumbles and loses their way, doesn't meant they're lost forever." Thanks Tess. :P

So a temporary blip. I'll work towards that dignified, selfless girl; the one who is awesome, not to be liked (i.e. for ultimately selfish reasons), but because that is how she is. Or wants to be.

Meandering,
Me.

The distance hurts more when you're near me

I have fallen in love with Kina Grannis' new album Elements.

lovelovelove it.

MCCC Formal

MCCC Formal.

Well my super secret mission was an utter fail. Did not succeed in gaining one ounce of information from Ivan. Sorry Hannah. BUT I totally made up for it by (completely naturally and discreetly of course) manoeuvring myself away so they sat next to each other at Inspire Conference. Muahahaha.

Anyway, highlights? Talking to Chai and Ivan, dancing, really good bread&butter, Chris' company, Viv drunkenly walking into a glass door, tipsy Vicky's you're-so-babe-i-love-you's, post-shot/champagne/vodka sunrise giggly high.

Lowlights? Trying to remain indifferent to you-know-who and slightly aggro drunk Jenny. She was super cool before the 10-12 shots, but after... We definitely should not have let her drink that much. She munted on the carpet. Gross. And touched everyone's boobs and kissed everyone. It was amusing and scary at the same time. Note to self: NEVER get that drunk. Ever.

Well, that pretty much sums it up.
Me

Lost in the forest of life

How?

I feel like I could be, should be doing more with my life. I should be more involved, take more initiative, seize more opportunities.

And yet, I feel like I couldn't possibly do more. I'm doing too much. There isn't enough lying-on-the-grass-listening-to-music time. I want to stare into space and take long wandering walks without feeling guilty, like I should be doing something productive.

Again, I am being too greedy. I want everything.

I want to meet new people, get to know people from different backgrounds with different opinions, hear their stories.

And yet, I want to build on existing friendships, to strengthen the already-present bonds. To have friends that you get and that get you. There's no pressure to be funny or interesting or whatever. You can just be.

I want to do my best in everything: studies, friends, youth leading, work, family. But I only have so much time and energy. I'm struggling to keep up.

I'm constantly rushing. Sometimes, i'll notice my heart racing abnormally fast for no reason. Because I've become used to the anxiety of needing to be somewhere, doing something.

And there has been a couple of off days where I've surpassed my extroversion limit.

Conversations are an effort. They're forced, unnatural. Do people notice? I hope not.

I want to talk to people, not out of politeness or obligation, but from a genuine wanting to listen to what they're saying. I want them to feel like they are a pleasure to talk to. Because they are. But sometimes, I'm just so tired of it all. My smile feels stretched and the words that come out of my mouth, empty.

Perhaps I need to go back, to centre myself around God. Focus on him and everything else will fall into place. The question is how?

Lost in the forest of life,
Me.

18ness

So.

Brief updates. Chris and my "birthday party". I love how chill Mum and Dad are about everything.

Music, mindless chatter, friends. Then when Auntie Bee Keng left, the REAL fun began. lolol. We played spin the bottle. The Christian Truth or Dare version of course. Psh, like we would start making out with each other. Please.

I MISSED OUT ON CHRIS' SHIRTLESS LAP DANCE FOR PHIL. Ah what a shame. Then the double Chris kiss? That was cute. Although Chris W really ought to have kissed the girl that he, deep down inside, wanted to. Guys are such wimps these days. Honestly. Man up. Bahaaha. Okay maybe I'm being too harsh.

Dancing on the grass under a blanket of stars, then snuggling back under the blanket on the picnic mat. Talked about life and relationships with Chris, Phil and Mel. I'd say that was the best part of the night. Chilling, breathing in the night air, lying in comfortable silence. And arguing as to whether girls should ask guys out. I get the guys' point of view. But no. Disagree. Disagree.

AA boat cruise was, overall, a great night. A night of 18ness, of 'yay I'm legal', of getting out, letting loose a little and partying with friends.

- First shot with Tess
- Generous of other Ben to shout us all cranberry vodka
- Sweet of Kendrick to buy my third alcoholic beverage (LOL) after the effects of the first 2 wore off.

With the exception of one minuscule little detail, I had fun. I liked stepping out to breathe fresh, unbreathed air (be it on my own or with Sam if he happened to be there). There's something soothing about watching the city scene skim past and mindlessly staring at the light reflections in water. Oh Viv and her crazy, head shaking dance moves. :)

In the middle of the dance floor, with bodies in every line of sight (every line of every sense really), I went through phases. Phases of thinking, of losing myself to the moment and of thinking about being lost in the moment; phases of "hey this is fun" and of "i'm bored." I bounced from "lalalahappyhappyfuntimes, i don't caaaaaare. whoo partayyy." to "ughhhhhhh. you suck."

I was more tired than tipsy by home time.

Young and free?
Me