Questions

Lately,

I've been questioning everything. People, the extent of their goodness, me, the extent of my goodness.. Heck I'm even questioning why I'm questioning all this when I'm supposed to be the optimistic one who sees only the good in people rather than picking on the little flaws in their character. What. Is. Up. With. Me?

I have no right to complain about the failings of others when I myself have piled up a mini mountain of ulterior motives and selfish thoughts. 

But I've come to the temporary conclusion I prefer mean people. Not "I want to hurt you" kind of mean, but the kind that's just plain honest. No honeyed words, no empty compliments, no feigned concern. They don't act like they care when they don't. They're comfortable with who they are and don't feel the need to please everybody. They tend to be the more accepting ones who aren't so judgemental. 

Whereas nice people, oh nice people. 

Case A: They're mean people covering it up. Self-righteous hypocrites that have underlying motives beneath their niceness. But of course they slip up and when you see a glimpse of their ugly side, your world is shattered. Because they weren't what you expected, what you perceived them to be, what they portrayed to be.

Case B: People with self-esteem issues who are so reliant on the approval of others that they feel the constant need to keep up this "nice' appearance. They are easy targets for people to use and take advantage of. 

What happened to kind people who are kind because it's the right thing to do? People who are friendly because it'll make someone's day brighter? 

EEEEEK. I'm being so cynical. This is going against ericaness. I need to stop with this negative thinking. Stop. Gotta remind myself that there IS hope for humanity and people ARE ultimately good.

I need someone to renew my belief in the goodness of mankind. lol.

Me.

It's weird.

It's weird.

But less weird than before in a way.

Busiest I've ever been

One word to describe Term 1 holidays of Year 12? Hectic.

Let's see. Easter Friday, oh the drama that came with that.

Then aforementioned Sunday picnic. 

Monday was lunch with Chewy. Man I don't get how people are so generous. He shouted me lunch AND paid for half the cost of my phone case. I gotta learn to be more giving and less stingey. Anyway, he listened to me rant my heart out and we bumped into Chai. Who also got a brief summary of my jumbled up mind. lol. 

Tuesday was Ah Ma's birthday dinner. Vegetarian restaurant!

Wednesday, DAVID AND SUMIN WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET. Grh. Oh well, still had a kind of ish not really productive study session at the State Library with Sumin and Josh. Then Chris came and we visited the Korean tables. :) Then we met up with Evelyn and watched GI Joe. Evelyn is actually quite sweet in a non-pretentious way. Which is confusing because of the whole Kim bullying thing. I get this positive impression, then hear of the things they've done and it just doesn't add up. Ugh. Don't understand.

Thursday was Elaine's House of Cards party! Isabel managed to get my head in a right state. ish. lol. no. I still don't know what's going on.

Friday: Lifegroup social. Walked for flipping 30 minutes to get to Caribbean Rollerama because I stupidly assumed and didn't check where it was. Enjoyed hanging out with the bright, energy-filled Year 7 girls. So full of a confidence that I don't think I had back then. Ohhh and then a massive mess with Isabel when getting to the Comedy Festival in the city. Tickets were left at home, there was a whole lotta of walking, texting, frustration, late-ness, confusion.. BUT we survived and got relatively good seats to watch Josh Thomas. Crude but entertaining. His awkwardness is rather endearing.

Sunday, FINALLY a day of rest. Only not really because I had to spend it doing homework.

Monday: Supposed to go swimming with the dolphins. But lethargy was seeping into my bones and I just really didn't have the energy. Chill day at the beach, fish&chips, holiday house visiting with family.

Tuesday was another rest day. Ish.

Wednesday I had my first shift at Subway! Lights blacked out. I'm a lucky one. It was fun because everything was new. It'll get old soon but I'll enjoy the newness for now. Free cookies. :)

Thursday: Early b'day with friends. Easy-going day. Watched Silver Linings Playbook. Played Harry Potter. Ate yummy food. I greatly appreciate the 

Friday was super fun. Lunch with the usual church gang. Identity Thief was the movie. Dawn Budgie was INFURIATING. A downright horrible person. Then, don't laugh, we had 3 hours to kill, we played truth or dare. HA. We extracted pieces of information about each other's love life. They now have a dramatised version of my brain/heart dilemma. LOL. Bus-ed to Drench night.

Sunday: Another intense day. Subway in the morning. I got to serve up front! Youth leader's meeting in the afternoon. Kate and Amy's surprise birthday at Shine bar. And family movie time at night. Oblivion was a confusing movie. I kinda get it now.

Which brings me to today. 15th of April. Stayed home, did homework, played CandyCrush, went to the bank. Thankfully uneventful.

School tmrw. Fantastic. Hopefully it'll be less tiring than these holidays.

Exhausted. But no, no regrets. I lived this holiday to the fullest.

Me.

A Slight Mess

So,

Since holidays started, I've only spent one entire day at home. Literally been out every single day. How did that even happen? I'm losing track of everything I've done and everything I've yet to do. It's been absolutely heaps of fun seeing people everyday. Extrovert me is ecstatic, I'm sure.

But.

Introvert me is screaming "leave me alone. don't want to see people. people suck. i wanna stay in bed and listen to music and not move or worry about anything." But no. Every moment I spend at home has to be spent studying. I haven't been doing too great a job at that either.

Ugh.

There's just this sense of dissatisfaction with everything. Whyy? NO. Not because of him. I refuse to admit that. No. Freaking. Way.

Nah it's just lethargy seeping into my bones. I now understand another form of meanness. It's unintentional. The person has just used up all their "friendly" energy and no longer have the capacity to smile and strike up yet another meaningless conversation. But with the right people, it's okay. Because then it's not meaningless.

And still I feel this constant urge to be doingdoingdoing. Whut.

I really don't understand you, Erica. Not at all.

Ha. Talking to myself. I must be going nuts.
Me