Well,
I have left this space empty for a while... Life has been so hectic. I genuinely don't know where all the time goes.
My current feeling is a sense of internal conflict. I feel torn between so many things; My head feels like there are hundreds of little people incessantly debating about every topic under the sun.
I find it hard to make decisions because there are so many considerations. Too many. The older I get, the more I feel as though every action is weighted by heavy consequences. So my logic is to wait, collect more data, and carefully consider every option and their array of possible outcomes, before finally deciding to act.
But then there's a part of me that just doesn't want to give a damn. I want to act rashly and make mistakes. Then learn from them later. Why do my decisions have to be so considered? Why must I always do the 'right' or 'mature' or 'responsible' thing? And isn't it better to be stupid and careless now while I'm still (relatively) young and my mistakes are (hopefully) still fixable?
I'm forever so cautious about how my decisions affect or viewed by others, and it has served me well so far. Yes it means I am easily influenced by the people around me, but Mum has always said the fact that I'm so teachable can be a strength. It also means I can relate with almost everyone. But at what cost? How do I assess which of my decisions are my own and which of them are the product of my surrounding influences? Does it matter? #struggles
On another note, I think I have travelled enough for a while. As much as I love travelling and seeing the world and meeting people, after my exchange in Hong Kong, my trip to Taiwan + Macau, and 5 weeks in Europe, I feel like I've eaten that extra chunk of dessert that feels excessive. Not quite to the point of regret, but almost.
Me.
