Fallen from my cloud of bliss

Here's why I'm not crazy passionate about anything. Why I don't get worked up too much about things. Why I make sure I don't want anything too badly.

It prevents disappointment. Tears. That feeling of helplessness, knowing things are how they are and you're powerless to change it.

See the one thing that I flung all hope into, that I was willing to commit to, that I pushed for, that I just really, really wanted. Yeah well it's a no-go. 

Thing is, I was completely fine with not going to Cambodia. I knew it clashed with our flight to Malaysia and it was fine. 

Then Josh convinced me to try for it. Mum and Dad said we could change the flight and encouraged me to apply. I found out Kim and Melody and Faith were going. So I threw all my effort into the application, knowing it was past the deadline, hoping, hoping, wishing, praying. 

My fault. I psyched myself out. Hyped it. Got excited over evidently false hopes. Huh. How stupid. 

I used to say low expectations means no disappointment. And I was perfectly content living like that. But no. I had to expect more, want more. 

Greedy me.

Man what's up with me these few weeks? I've been extra emotional and moody when I used to be detached, untouched on my cloud of happyhappyhappy. I've cried more these 2 weeks than I have this whole year. Maybe even last year. I never cry. Whut.

A Series of Dreams

So,

I experienced an out-of-the-ordinary number of dream-filled nights. They weren't great restful sleeps but they were definitely interesting. Here are the fragments that I remember from the bizarre collection of dreams.

There's a wide dining room. Round tables covered in red cloth and chairs all around. It's bright, with clear, glass windows showing patches of sky. 2 birds, a pigeon and a coloured one. Both are flying frantically throughout the room. The sound of flapping and squawking create an atmosphere of chaos and desperation. The birds become increasingly anxious. They see the unreachable blue sky outside and the spacious room seems to shrink, constricting, trapping, suffocating. People, who appear to have been active but unobserved the whole time come to focus. They are chasing, trying to direct the birds to an opening down low. Their efforts are in vain. The birds crash into them and claw at their arms, unable to comprehend their intention and ability to help.

A young girl with dark eyes and hair. She carries an aura of darkness. She has some kind of malevolent purpose. She finds an ally and they attempt to break into a highly secure...? Some sort of institution? A safe? They try to infiltrate whatever it was and its security system traps them in a metal room. They are locked. She pulls out a long, curved knife and slices through the thick metal doors, as if it's no more than paper. Through one layer of defence, then another.

Vines. Green, winding, stretching upwards. It's some sort of game. I have to plant a certain flower to unlock specific abilities? To score points? To obtain hints to get to the next level? The flower is planted. Something blings.

My subconscious being weird.
Me.

Weekends.

So.

Got extremely sick of studying and took a weekend off. Youth Alive was on Friday and I jump-danced the Year 12 stress away. Only at the back of my mind came the annoyingly familiar little whisperings that set me on edge and made me stupidly self-conscious. Of course none of it showed. But I couldn't shrug off the awful feeling that everyone had matured, grown into confident, beautiful people while I was stuck with the same old me who had just gotten better at pretending.

But no. I will not be patronised. Inferiority complexes are stupid. I am who I am. Be it sickeningly sweet or snappy, insecure or arrogant, friendly or cold, nonchalant or overly sensitive or all at the same time.

Oh Erica, when will you ever learn that it's not possible to please everybody? That you won't always be liked by everyone nor do you need to be.

Spent Saturday night home alone. There's something liberating of having the house to yourself. You sing, dance, play music, watch movies, cook dinner, laugh for no reason, spin, jump, skip. No one's watching. No need to feign confidence, to pretend you care or don't care, no one to please. Sweet freedom.

Anyhow, here's to Monday. With Monday came a strange lightness. A welcomed lightness. Perhaps I have finally moved past those teenage angsty moments and emerged with a new self-assurance.

Lol. I'll bet it's temporary. But then everything's temporary. And I'm good with that.

Forever learning,
Me.

Psh. Who needs people anyway? :P