self psycho analysis

Okay Erica,

Time to stop for some serious self-reflection.

A well-intentioned conversation with a close friend made me realise that I've changed, at least on surface appearances. I know I don't need to defend or justify my behaviour to other people, it's my life, I'll live it however I want. But the fact that I was so shaken by a few judgemental eyes tells me that I'm not as together as I thought. I need to pull together all the floating strands of reasoning into a solid mass that can be articulated. Not for them, but for myself. So I'm stable on my own two feet even when pushed.

The uncertainty pertains to the disconnect between who I am in my mind and the person people perceive me to be. I don't think I've changed. The things that are innately me: my default happy disposition, eagerness to please and stubborn desire to be better, to be authentic and to do what's right; these have not changed.

Outwardly, I appear have transformed from someone reserved and studious to a crazy party girl. It seems out of character, so people think I'm compromising my values. But really, it's just the little part of crazy in me that I've always kept under lock and key. Circumstances have never given me sufficient reason to open the door until now. Why unnecessarily disturb the peace? But 2015 has bombarded me with a series of unfamiliar experiences and emotions. I was curious to find out how the Erica who cared less about what others thought would react. So I decided to take her for a stroll, to explore whether (and where) she has a place in my life.

See, it's been smooth sailing so far because I was happy to just do whatever kept everyone else happy. But I hit a point where I didn't feel authentic or genuine anymore. I wanted to stand up for what I believed was right and not do things for the sake of people pleasing because it's draining and practically impossible. But here's the conflict > The part of me that doesn't want to give a damn does things for herself that people disapprove of/don't like, then people judge, then the part of me that can't help caring what people think is left to clean up the mess. So solution?

Option 1: Stop giving a damn.
Option 2: Keep people pleasing.

Is there no happy middle ground?

Eh I'll figure it out.
Me.

Event updates

Not in any particular order.

LAKES ENTRANCE
Day 1

Me, Sam, Chai and Jeffery went early. Yum Cha at Springy. Grocery shopping. Steak and buttery mash potato goodness.

Then Dong, Evelyn, Mel and Martyn came. Initially, it was semi-awkward. Sam and I just kinda stuck together. I didn't know how to conduct myself given everything.

Then we played Resistance. Evelyn, Sam and I teamed up to make the best spies and things kinda smoothed over. Tension dissipated.

Then we blasted music, danced/play-acted to Taylor swift.

There was singing, guitar-ing and making mash ups, followed by hangouts in the room playing a gazillion rounds of 'kill, f*** or marry' till the sun came up.

Day 2
Ridiculously amazing brekkie of bacon, eggs and maple pancakes. Random trust game of holding hands and walking backwards in a line into the ocean.

Then Ben, Ray and Winston came. More not knowing how to conduct myself. Awkward beach.

Made egg, tuna, ham + cheese sandwiches for brekkie.

Day 3
Whitewater rafting. Flies. Being thrown into the water 50 billion times.

Chai and I were the most successful at the trust exercise than the tour dude had ever seen. :D

Watched lightning streak across the sky on the balcony. It was gorgeous. 

PJ PARTY

Bumped into an old melbourne uni friend that Joseph pushed me to say hi to. Guy told me he had found the girl he was gonna marry lol.

PERSEVERANCE 90's night
Take 1
With Li, Janelle, Kat and her cousin Simon. Lost at never have I ever (because I've never done anything crazy). Danced the night away at the bar. Janelle offering herself up as tribute to give Kat's dealer a BJ for weed... (that was weird but funny and didn't happen thank goodness. i would not have let that happen) Ping pong and cake.

Take 2
Burgers at rooftop with Ben Todd, Janelle and Becky.

PANCAKE PARLOUR
Pleasant catch up with Li. He took me to an unexplored part of Glen: an abandoned flight of steps that led to a locked door. Not creepy at all. Boasted that he could do handstand push ups.

TORQUAY 
Vicky (and Hayden)'s birthday

Yuanna offered to drive me and Isabel. She is one of the most unbelievably nice people I know. Told us about the fight she got into the night before, how a guy she was seeing ruined her car, how she only remembered bits because she had taken 18 shots. Apparently he had falsely imprisoned her previously when she was trying to be friends with him. She empathised with him because he was a lonely rich kid who had never experienced love and so didn't know what was acceptable behaviour. Then later she paid for everyone's lunch. How is someone so forgiving and compassionate and generous?!

Attempted to play Mafia 3 rounds before everyone finally understood and we could play properly. lolol.

Korean BBQ beef with watermelon tomatoes (vicky lol) and salad and brown rice.

Milkis with soju and Rekorderlig cider and King's cup. Karaoke!

Half buried Will in the sand.

Made my first gay friend. :D His name is Eddy. He offered to do my hair and we sang Alicia Keys together. We also went shopping at MC, got ice cream from Gelateria Primevera and gossiped about what celebrity boys were hot. It was beautiful.

Well that was tedious. Oh the things I do for you future old Erica.
Me

Life is weird

Well,

It's been a bizarre past few weeks.

Crying in front of people three days in a row because of friendship fall outs was extremely strange. But I'm blaming it on PMS.

Then I missed Evelyn's birthday surprise because I decided I couldn't handle seeing him. Think I needed to prove to myself that I didn't need to see him. Ended up being a good night of lying on the cool marble floor next to Tess in a nice sisterly moment, fixing the bad feels with mouthfuls of ice cream + banana + melted chocolate + pancake, listening to David's simple life solutions and watching the film "Wild".

I tried so hard to justify my uncharacteristic behaviour. In my mind, I've never perceived myself as an emotional person. I don't fly into passionate rages, I don't cry waterfalls. I'm logical, I'm practical. Feelings are important, but not as important as what needs to be done. But hey, life is a journey of self-discovery and perhaps I feel more than I care to admit.

Watched '500 days of summer' and 'Sleeping with other people'. Two good movies I needed to watch for some perspective. A reminder that there's a bigger picture and to ride each emotional wave to shore.

Also made dinner plans with Evelyn to attempt to build a bridge. You can't hate a person once you get to know them. And it's working. The pain of betrayal is blurring, seeping into the background. Sort of.

Me.

To fight for now or flee

Well,

I'm feeling rather disillusioned. I'm a tangled mess of hurt and anger and frustration.

People who I thought were my friends; people I trusted; people I would have stood up for;

Turned out to be people who swapped sides in an instant; people who said 'I got your back' and gossiped about me in the same breath. 

Years of friendship boiled down to nothing in the span of what, a month? It hurts.

I thought I my friends cared. I thought they would never judge. I thought they would have the intellectual capacity to see past the momentary fun of superficial brunches and chill seshes.

At the same time, I understand that it's hard to stand up against someone who is more vocal, who seems to wield the power, who you like, who brunches with you. It's so easy to get caught up in mindless gossip. It makes you feel powerful, makes you feel included, makes you feel like you're part of the 'in-crowd'. You'd rather be bitching about someone else than be bitched about. 

I get it. Certain connections are formed when you're bitching about other people. But they are blood-streaked bonds strung together from another person's pain. Is something still good when it's created at the expense of someone else? 

But it's such petty high school behaviour. When others told me they were immature, with nothing better to do in their lives, I defended their names.

I'm angry at myself for being so naive. For putting too much trust in the innate goodness of people. And I'm angry that they're making me have to rethink my approach of taking people at face value.

Then again, even though I'd like to think that I would've acted differently given the circumstances, maybe I wouldn't have. So who am I to think myself any better anyway?

We're all sinners. We all do stupid things that hurt other people. Whether intentional or accidental is something for us to reflect upon ourselves. 

Silver lining to every cloud: at least I know who my real friends are. And I know exactly the type of friend I want to be for them now that I know what not to do.

To remember: Jeffery was a darling, always on my side and comforting. Chai was the objective peacemaker who was understanding and fixed everything.

Disappointed.

Me

I refuse to let this affect future me trusting people and giving them the benefit of the doubt. I don't think I could live in the world where I had to question people's motives for everything.