To fight for now or flee

Well,

I'm feeling rather disillusioned. I'm a tangled mess of hurt and anger and frustration.

People who I thought were my friends; people I trusted; people I would have stood up for;

Turned out to be people who swapped sides in an instant; people who said 'I got your back' and gossiped about me in the same breath. 

Years of friendship boiled down to nothing in the span of what, a month? It hurts.

I thought I my friends cared. I thought they would never judge. I thought they would have the intellectual capacity to see past the momentary fun of superficial brunches and chill seshes.

At the same time, I understand that it's hard to stand up against someone who is more vocal, who seems to wield the power, who you like, who brunches with you. It's so easy to get caught up in mindless gossip. It makes you feel powerful, makes you feel included, makes you feel like you're part of the 'in-crowd'. You'd rather be bitching about someone else than be bitched about. 

I get it. Certain connections are formed when you're bitching about other people. But they are blood-streaked bonds strung together from another person's pain. Is something still good when it's created at the expense of someone else? 

But it's such petty high school behaviour. When others told me they were immature, with nothing better to do in their lives, I defended their names.

I'm angry at myself for being so naive. For putting too much trust in the innate goodness of people. And I'm angry that they're making me have to rethink my approach of taking people at face value.

Then again, even though I'd like to think that I would've acted differently given the circumstances, maybe I wouldn't have. So who am I to think myself any better anyway?

We're all sinners. We all do stupid things that hurt other people. Whether intentional or accidental is something for us to reflect upon ourselves. 

Silver lining to every cloud: at least I know who my real friends are. And I know exactly the type of friend I want to be for them now that I know what not to do.

To remember: Jeffery was a darling, always on my side and comforting. Chai was the objective peacemaker who was understanding and fixed everything.

Disappointed.

Me

I refuse to let this affect future me trusting people and giving them the benefit of the doubt. I don't think I could live in the world where I had to question people's motives for everything.