Graduating Teenagehood

Well,

I survived.

As I was lying in bed two days before my birthday, my brain was whizzing with all these silly ideas of the things I wanted to do before I turned 20. My last evening as a teenager was not quite the romanticised scenario I had played out in my mind, but it was meaningful nonetheless.

I revisited my high school for the first time in about 2 years because I got a new student to tutor and she coincidentally is a PLC boarder. Walking through the carpark, past the reception and our old favourite tree Louie was not quite the experience I expected. There was no overwhelming wave of nostalgia and emotion (I base life off movies too much); instead there were trickles of thoughts, shadows of memories and a curiosity that I couldn't quite place.

I went home, attempted and failed to motivate myself to make brownies. I had this idea that I wanted to give one to every individual who played a significant part of my teens. Ha. Instead I laid on the carpet and waited for Dong to message so I could go see my friends. (expectations vs reality) So I spent my final hours in a beanbag doing nothing in the company of friends. Nothing out of the ordinary, but somehow special. When the clock struck twelve they sang happy birthday to the lamest video of the Bear in the Big Blue House on Youtube.

15th Friday: Gorgeous weather. Lunch and a 'boost' with Jarrod. Waffles with Ben. Thai dinner with the Tan fambam less Tess :( Mum, the sweetest person everr, brought an Adriano Zumbo passionfruit tart. They sang happy birthday at the restaurant. It was cringe-awkward.

We get home. I have 2 hours to kill. I call Isabel and convince her to change out of her PJs and join me on my endeavour to shout the person behind at a Maccas Drive thru. I can hear her aversion to the idea and the doubtful 'uh, why.' But I'm so spurred by adrenaline and excitement that I don't care. I pick her up and we drive to Maccas.

That's when I realise it's Friday at 7.30pm and there isn't a mad rush/queue in the drive thru. Isabel says 'you didn't think this through did you. let's just go.' But I stubbornly refuse to give up, determined to prove her wrong. While I drive in a circle around the carpark, two cars drive into the drive thru. Ha.

I take a leap of faith and drive in, praying praying praying that someone comes in behind me. And YAY they do! I order nuggets. As we approach the paying counter, a part of me come so close to bailing but we had come too far to turn back now. So I politely ask the check out chick 'Could I please pay for the meal of the person behind me?' She looks at me blankly, 'Sorry what?' I have to repeat and explain myself before she realises what I'm trying to do and smiles. 'That's really sweet. I'll let them know.'

We get our nuggets and drive off as fast as possible bc we feel embarrassed and awkward but also kinda good. I go home feeling a sense of satisfaction for finally living like the me in my head.

Then Janelle and Chai come over. We chat and sip on cider and wine. It's simple and sweet.

Twenty feels more significant to me than most ages. It feels like an official departure from childhood and teenagedom.

Dear God, in what's supposed to be the "best years of my life", help me to figure out who I am and what I'm here for. Remind me why I make my decisions and give me the strength to stick to them. I will strive to be authentic and true to myself every moment of every day.

Me.

Feeling a lil lost

Hm,

I get the feeling that God is trying to tell me something.
It's a puzzle that I've yet to piece together.
There's a lesson to be learned here, I just have to figure out what it is.

I had a week that was exactly the kind of week that I had set my mind to have this year. There were many meaningful conversations; I felt like I was making a difference in people's lives; I was living how I wanted to. It was a stable, enriched kind of high.

Then I had a following week where emotions were haywire. From fun hangout nights with Jarrod and Matt to the stress of messing up the car to drunk kitchen night to Planetshakers Conference to Champagne & Shackles to family games night to uni life. There were genuine highs, artificially induced highs and lows that were swept under the carpet.

I'm don't think I deal well with expectation followed by disappointment. I have a tendency to get excited too quickly and expect too much (while consciously projecting that I'm managing expectations and pretending I don't care bc we live in a society where caring too much is perceived as weak and no one wants to appear vulnerable).

Missed opportunity to work at Commonwealth Bank bc I can't take 4 months of uni sucks. (I put in so much effort into the application too. sigh)

Boys are stupid.

Smell is a dangerous thing.

I need to get work done.

There's a whole lot more of 'me' that I'm still unsure of.

Remember what's important!

On the verge of breakthough. But also not.
Me.