Post-exam freedom

Well,

Immediately after the French exam was complete and utter bliss. Went with Viv and Nicole to Mocha Joe's for dinner. We could not stop smiling. Everything looked brighter, sharper, more interesting. We walked with a certain buoyancy. Just breathing in and living the freedom.

That high was followed by 2 dodgy days where my mood was like split ends on a strand of hair, brittle, dry and edgy. I snapped a lot. ><

Worked 2 shifts at Subway with new bosses.

City with Viv, Vicky and Isabel. I appreciate how frank they are. Idk. I mean, straight out it was like, your eyebags make you look old. LOL. Where others may feel offended, I guess I've become accustomed to it. And it's a good change, I think, compared to most other people. Everything is glazed over and thoughts deemed inappropriate are left unsaid. CATCHING FIRE WAS AWESOME.

Everyday somehow ended up being jam packed with plans. So that one day I set aside was a relief. Lazed in a chair outside reading, sleeping and listening to the birds. I might actually find more contentment doing that than going out seeing people. So why do I go out and see people so much? I really need to suppress this unrelenting urge to always do things, to take a step back and chill a little more. Man what happened? It used to be the opposite. I'm overcompensating perhaps.

OOOH decorating my room m'apporte du bonheur. I love my room. lovelovelove it.

Transitioning,
Erica

Just Keep Swimming

You.

I do not like you. No, I'm pretty sure I don't. I just miss the feeling of excitement and anticipation; the smiles and exchanged glances. Sure, it never meant anything, but it was good fun. And right now, I just happen to be craving some fun. Life's been rather monotonous. Okayokay I admit it! I liked the attention.

It was amusing, playing out overly corny Korean drama scenes in my mind. I needed a face for the male character and yours had the most potential to suit the part. You weren't perfect for the role, but hey, I'm not perfect either. The whole mysteriousness was attractive; how you never gave much away.

If you had tried, you probably would have succeeded. I'm so very easily convinced. Grh. Why did you have to be at Kim's party? Why. I would've been free to enjoy myself so much more. You ruined it. Thanks, mate. You suck. I say that with utter vehemence.

But I guess it was never meant to work out and wouldn't have worked out even if things had been different. Time to, not forget, but leave the past behind (appreciate it and reminisce occasionally. maybe), accept the present and embrace the future. To move on.

Perhaps I should cut off any contact with you to get things sorted out in my head. Gosh I really need to sort out my head. Priorities, values, direction in life and all. It's all rather overwhelming. Too harddd and confusing. I just can't be bothered. Can't I just cruise through life and deal with what comes when it comes?

I hate this.
Disgustingly pathetic.
It must run in the family. LOL. (nono. what am I on about? absolutely over it.)
Ugh,
Me.

To go or not to go? and where.

So,

I'm still dancing between Medicine at UNSW and Arts/Law/Commerce in Melbourne Uni or Monash. (IF I get into both). Honestly, both are equally desirable and repellent. Having to uproot here and pretty much rebuild a new life, it's a pretty scary, intimidating thought. 

Nevertheless, starting afresh in a new environment, around new people does hold its appeal. It would be a challenge. But a part of me craves for exactly that: the opportunity to test myself, to see how I would do if I was thrown into the deep end, without the stability and support that I've had all my life. I'm curious. Would I flourish, capable of standing on my own two feet, by my own strength? Or would I flounder, fall to pieces without my ever-present protective bubble?

Besides, other than family, I don't think I'd really be missed by anyone in Melbourne anyway. Of course I have friends here. But I feel as though my absence wouldn't make much of a difference at all. Sure my not being there would be noticed, but no more than that, I don't think. Ouch. Reality kinda stings. A lot. Ugh why am I being so depressing? I know, I know. It's terrible. To want to leave just to see who would care. Not to mention awfully selfish. Man I really need to reshuffle my priorities and values. And concentrate on studies.

I'll probably end up staying here anyway seeing as I'll have to get a ridiculously high ATAR to get into UNSW. So we'll probably never know how I'd go. Or perhaps we will. Idk. djopfkaokdpaojfsdgj.

I wouldn't mind going to Melbourne Uni. I can imagine enjoying the solitary train rides there on a weekly basis. Am I choosing universities and courses for the completely wrong reasons? Haha. Maybe. Maybee.

On verra.
Erica