self psycho analysis

Okay Erica,

Time to stop for some serious self-reflection.

A well-intentioned conversation with a close friend made me realise that I've changed, at least on surface appearances. I know I don't need to defend or justify my behaviour to other people, it's my life, I'll live it however I want. But the fact that I was so shaken by a few judgemental eyes tells me that I'm not as together as I thought. I need to pull together all the floating strands of reasoning into a solid mass that can be articulated. Not for them, but for myself. So I'm stable on my own two feet even when pushed.

The uncertainty pertains to the disconnect between who I am in my mind and the person people perceive me to be. I don't think I've changed. The things that are innately me: my default happy disposition, eagerness to please and stubborn desire to be better, to be authentic and to do what's right; these have not changed.

Outwardly, I appear have transformed from someone reserved and studious to a crazy party girl. It seems out of character, so people think I'm compromising my values. But really, it's just the little part of crazy in me that I've always kept under lock and key. Circumstances have never given me sufficient reason to open the door until now. Why unnecessarily disturb the peace? But 2015 has bombarded me with a series of unfamiliar experiences and emotions. I was curious to find out how the Erica who cared less about what others thought would react. So I decided to take her for a stroll, to explore whether (and where) she has a place in my life.

See, it's been smooth sailing so far because I was happy to just do whatever kept everyone else happy. But I hit a point where I didn't feel authentic or genuine anymore. I wanted to stand up for what I believed was right and not do things for the sake of people pleasing because it's draining and practically impossible. But here's the conflict > The part of me that doesn't want to give a damn does things for herself that people disapprove of/don't like, then people judge, then the part of me that can't help caring what people think is left to clean up the mess. So solution?

Option 1: Stop giving a damn.
Option 2: Keep people pleasing.

Is there no happy middle ground?

Eh I'll figure it out.
Me.

Event updates

Not in any particular order.

LAKES ENTRANCE
Day 1

Me, Sam, Chai and Jeffery went early. Yum Cha at Springy. Grocery shopping. Steak and buttery mash potato goodness.

Then Dong, Evelyn, Mel and Martyn came. Initially, it was semi-awkward. Sam and I just kinda stuck together. I didn't know how to conduct myself given everything.

Then we played Resistance. Evelyn, Sam and I teamed up to make the best spies and things kinda smoothed over. Tension dissipated.

Then we blasted music, danced/play-acted to Taylor swift.

There was singing, guitar-ing and making mash ups, followed by hangouts in the room playing a gazillion rounds of 'kill, f*** or marry' till the sun came up.

Day 2
Ridiculously amazing brekkie of bacon, eggs and maple pancakes. Random trust game of holding hands and walking backwards in a line into the ocean.

Then Ben, Ray and Winston came. More not knowing how to conduct myself. Awkward beach.

Made egg, tuna, ham + cheese sandwiches for brekkie.

Day 3
Whitewater rafting. Flies. Being thrown into the water 50 billion times.

Chai and I were the most successful at the trust exercise than the tour dude had ever seen. :D

Watched lightning streak across the sky on the balcony. It was gorgeous. 

PJ PARTY

Bumped into an old melbourne uni friend that Joseph pushed me to say hi to. Guy told me he had found the girl he was gonna marry lol.

PERSEVERANCE 90's night
Take 1
With Li, Janelle, Kat and her cousin Simon. Lost at never have I ever (because I've never done anything crazy). Danced the night away at the bar. Janelle offering herself up as tribute to give Kat's dealer a BJ for weed... (that was weird but funny and didn't happen thank goodness. i would not have let that happen) Ping pong and cake.

Take 2
Burgers at rooftop with Ben Todd, Janelle and Becky.

PANCAKE PARLOUR
Pleasant catch up with Li. He took me to an unexplored part of Glen: an abandoned flight of steps that led to a locked door. Not creepy at all. Boasted that he could do handstand push ups.

TORQUAY 
Vicky (and Hayden)'s birthday

Yuanna offered to drive me and Isabel. She is one of the most unbelievably nice people I know. Told us about the fight she got into the night before, how a guy she was seeing ruined her car, how she only remembered bits because she had taken 18 shots. Apparently he had falsely imprisoned her previously when she was trying to be friends with him. She empathised with him because he was a lonely rich kid who had never experienced love and so didn't know what was acceptable behaviour. Then later she paid for everyone's lunch. How is someone so forgiving and compassionate and generous?!

Attempted to play Mafia 3 rounds before everyone finally understood and we could play properly. lolol.

Korean BBQ beef with watermelon tomatoes (vicky lol) and salad and brown rice.

Milkis with soju and Rekorderlig cider and King's cup. Karaoke!

Half buried Will in the sand.

Made my first gay friend. :D His name is Eddy. He offered to do my hair and we sang Alicia Keys together. We also went shopping at MC, got ice cream from Gelateria Primevera and gossiped about what celebrity boys were hot. It was beautiful.

Well that was tedious. Oh the things I do for you future old Erica.
Me

Life is weird

Well,

It's been a bizarre past few weeks.

Crying in front of people three days in a row because of friendship fall outs was extremely strange. But I'm blaming it on PMS.

Then I missed Evelyn's birthday surprise because I decided I couldn't handle seeing him. Think I needed to prove to myself that I didn't need to see him. Ended up being a good night of lying on the cool marble floor next to Tess in a nice sisterly moment, fixing the bad feels with mouthfuls of ice cream + banana + melted chocolate + pancake, listening to David's simple life solutions and watching the film "Wild".

I tried so hard to justify my uncharacteristic behaviour. In my mind, I've never perceived myself as an emotional person. I don't fly into passionate rages, I don't cry waterfalls. I'm logical, I'm practical. Feelings are important, but not as important as what needs to be done. But hey, life is a journey of self-discovery and perhaps I feel more than I care to admit.

Watched '500 days of summer' and 'Sleeping with other people'. Two good movies I needed to watch for some perspective. A reminder that there's a bigger picture and to ride each emotional wave to shore.

Also made dinner plans with Evelyn to attempt to build a bridge. You can't hate a person once you get to know them. And it's working. The pain of betrayal is blurring, seeping into the background. Sort of.

Me.

To fight for now or flee

Well,

I'm feeling rather disillusioned. I'm a tangled mess of hurt and anger and frustration.

People who I thought were my friends; people I trusted; people I would have stood up for;

Turned out to be people who swapped sides in an instant; people who said 'I got your back' and gossiped about me in the same breath. 

Years of friendship boiled down to nothing in the span of what, a month? It hurts.

I thought I my friends cared. I thought they would never judge. I thought they would have the intellectual capacity to see past the momentary fun of superficial brunches and chill seshes.

At the same time, I understand that it's hard to stand up against someone who is more vocal, who seems to wield the power, who you like, who brunches with you. It's so easy to get caught up in mindless gossip. It makes you feel powerful, makes you feel included, makes you feel like you're part of the 'in-crowd'. You'd rather be bitching about someone else than be bitched about. 

I get it. Certain connections are formed when you're bitching about other people. But they are blood-streaked bonds strung together from another person's pain. Is something still good when it's created at the expense of someone else? 

But it's such petty high school behaviour. When others told me they were immature, with nothing better to do in their lives, I defended their names.

I'm angry at myself for being so naive. For putting too much trust in the innate goodness of people. And I'm angry that they're making me have to rethink my approach of taking people at face value.

Then again, even though I'd like to think that I would've acted differently given the circumstances, maybe I wouldn't have. So who am I to think myself any better anyway?

We're all sinners. We all do stupid things that hurt other people. Whether intentional or accidental is something for us to reflect upon ourselves. 

Silver lining to every cloud: at least I know who my real friends are. And I know exactly the type of friend I want to be for them now that I know what not to do.

To remember: Jeffery was a darling, always on my side and comforting. Chai was the objective peacemaker who was understanding and fixed everything.

Disappointed.

Me

I refuse to let this affect future me trusting people and giving them the benefit of the doubt. I don't think I could live in the world where I had to question people's motives for everything.

Explaining you

My life has always been full of making decisions that I knew were good for me. You were the one thing I chose purely because I wanted to. But still, I couldn’t jump in with both feet. 

Why? The idea that I wanted something for no practical, tangible reason scared the daylights out of me. 

Why else? You were a wild card. Forever unreadable. Your actions and intentions didn’t always reconcile. I could never tell what was going on with you; what you really thought, how you really felt. You have a talent for acting and I knew it. So I was careful not to let myself fall.

I’ve accepted that I’ll never be able to 100% extract you from my life. I’ll cut most of you out to make space for someone else. But little pieces of you will inevitably be left somewhere in the crevices of my heart or my mind. 

I think you were my kryptonite. Now you're Chapter 1, the beginning of the story. 

Maybe one day… Maybe not.

Perfectly packaged

Baby steps.

On Friday, the realisation started to sink in. The reality of what was done, what is and what will now be finally found a place inside me. It's still soft and mouldable and hasn't found a shape just yet. But it's there and its presence is rather comforting.

On Saturday, there was a liberating sense of letting go. But it was tinged with the sadness of giving up.

On Sunday, I started packing. I kept the hard lessons learnt and the rose-tinted memories, but left the pain and burdens to burn and crumble into ashes.

Today I took the first step towards the next chapter. I'm almost giddy with relief. There's something empowering about hope and new beginnings.

The dust has settled and I can see clearer now.

Me.

question after question after question

Help.

I'm spinning plates on poles but there are too many to keep up. I'm darting from pole to pole, anxious and panicky. But in the corner of my mind there's a resignation that I will inevitably make one wrong move and everything will come crashing down.

I'm learning that life truly is a balancing act. It's a constant weighing up of a gazillion factors that lead to decisions that lead to arbitrary outcomes. There is no damn formula. Sure, we can ask people for wisdom and good counsel. But there will be differing opinions, and you're back to square one. Who's to determinatively say what's right and what's wrong?

In the end, it's on you to choose, to act and to make peace with whatever consequences that follow. You do the best you can and that's all you can do.

To stay or to move on?

To spend time doing what makes you happy or what is good for you?

To live as if there's no tomorrow or to live to build a brighter future?

To be blissfully ignorant or be cynically observant?

To choose a short life, lived recklessly with no regrets or to choose a long life, live in contentment?

To indulge now or to save some for later?

To give in and keep peace or to fight for something better and risk an end?

To do the right thing or to do what feels right?

So many questions and no answer at all.
Me.

Or well, the answer is, it depends.

But I guess there's that semi-comforting notion that in the end end, it'll be okay.

"We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

the weight of living

I just want to stay in bed perpetually wrapped up in blankets listening to melancholic music and staring blankly into empty space.

But I'm not sure that will make me feel better.

So onward I will go. Keeping myself busy. Not falling behind in life. Doing things and things and things to prove that I'm okay. And I am okay for the most part. Happy even. I do still get my usual bouts of bubbling joy.

But it's in the in-betweens that there's an enticing whisper to curl up and let life slide away...

Musings of the mind

Well I was right.

I'm learning lots from this experience.

I'm learning that I've never let myself want something above a certain calculated and controlled level of want. So in the event that I didn't get what I want, I'd be okay. If Plan A worked, perfect. If it failed, Plan B worked too. Heck, I'd convince myself that Plan B was even better. I had backups for my backups.

It was my airtight secret to happiness. The perfect 'how to avoid disappointment' scheme.

But perhaps it wasn't.

It was a pretend game. A modified version of 'if we close our eyes and can't see it, it's not there'. More child's play than mature thinking.

Maybe deep down, I knew what I wanted. But I stubbornly chose to ignore it. The alternative was too scary, too risky, much too much of a gamble.

But then it came and placed itself right in front of me. I smirked a smile (or smiled a smirk?); I danced around and flirted with the idea. Then, I skipped along my merry way. I didn't take a closer look, to see if it had sharp edges or a soft surface. I didn't want to look at the details, just in case I'd get too attached to leave it behind. I told myself I'd be happy if it came along, but not unhappy if it chose to stay behind.

Arms length was safe. It was comfortable. Whenever I contemplated reaching out and grabbing it. I told myself no.

But now I'm questioning how okay I'll actually be if it's gone. Whether I'll regret not risking a little more. Whether I'll look back and wish I did take ownership and call it mine. It wouldn't have been hard. or maybe it would have been who knows?

I have no doubt that I'll survive; it's coded in my DNA to. But perhaps it'll hurt more than I thought it would.

Decisions decisions. Questions everywhere.
Me

Tick off the bucketlist - All nighter numero uno

Dong, Martyn and I volunteered as tribute to line up for law ball tickets. Here are some snippets:

Post-lifegroup we head to Syndal bowling. Drink a couple of swigs of tequila in Delinda's car. Play some darts.

1.00am (19 hours sans dormir)
Hungry Jacks run.
Get to uni, we head to IT labs. Martyn whines over leaving hot sauce in the car. Typical.

Get to IT labs. Ben's ID card doesn't work for computer rooms. There's plaster everywhere and wires sticking out of the ceiling. So apparently IT labs are under renovation. Fabulous.

ATM stop to cash out money. $1.5k I believe was the sum.

Hunt for replacement 24/7 IT labs.

2.00am
Successful access to warm, well-lit computer room! So much joy. Martyn drools over money.

We attempt to do work.

2.30am
Woman walks in and asks for ID. Martyn + Dong 'Uh, we don't go here'. I feign ignorance and claim to be a Monash IT student. We apologise and pack up.

Kicked out of shelter into the cold night to find people around a spit roast fire. Chat to semi-drunk Science committee members who attempt to sell us tickets to Science Ball.

3.00am
Already approx 20 people camping out in front of law basement. Mattresses, sleeping bags, blankets, mats, junk food, footy, cards against humanity.

We make new friends. Kate and Kate and Laura and Grant and Adi.

New gang walks to Maccas.

4.00am 
Dong shouts Chicken n Cheese burgers.
Martyn gets mad bc chicken pattie was stale. He marches up to the counter and demands a new one. Satisfied smirk face when he succeeds. Employee probs spat in burger.

Tiredness hits hard.

5.00am
We cook pancakes on Jordan's sandwich press.

I pull out my laptop in a guilty attempt to study. Kate catches me, I get told off and persuaded to drink gulps of wine to redeem myself. 

Shake it off plays. Mini dance sesh.

6.00am (24 hours sans dormir)
FINALLY LAW LIBRARY OPENS.
Free coffee + pastries. Half-asleep rating of girls/boys. Terrible. I blame Martyn.

We panic bc Jay couldn't make it and we needed her cash. Dong, the legend, sprints to cash out. He makes it just in time after our number is called.

Ticket success.

9.00am 
Uni. Lecture. Class. Zombiefied Erica.

7.00pm (37 hours sans dormir)
Sleep.

A solid deposit to the memory bank,
Me.

Goldcoast

Goldcoast.

Rocked up Day One, Paul opens the door and says 'hey you're falling behind. Everyone's already drunk. You guys needa catch up.' Ate oil soaked salad with chopped up sausages. Went to bed only to be woken up by Derek and Paul crashing our room for late night/early morning talk. Conversation topics: hot girls, what makes a good kissser, first impressions.

Over the trip, I realised how utterly clueless I am with flirting, specifically the 'Girl, I'd have to show you', Derek's stares and the arm around shoulder. It was all in good fun. But I really had no idea what to do with myself. So I feigned ignorance. Which was partially genuine anyway.

Ah alcohol. When all your inhibitions cruise out the window and you don't care if you sound pathetic or needy or just plain sad. All you want is someone to listen as you pour out all your deepest insecurities; 'why won't he/she like me? why does life suck? why am i alone?' I mainly listened, consoled, advised. But I also admit to participating (to a much lesser extent) in the emotion-fest; mine included spooning in mouthfuls of cheesecake to soothe my confusion/frustration or whatever other alcohol-exacerbated feelings. Twas all part of the experience, no?

But there was also fun. Rowdy drinking games like flip cup, jokes, semi-meaningful conversations and dancing to loud music. Also taking body shots, which I now realise is kinda gross.

Went for a walk with Martyn and Garrett. They were sulking because the trip wasn't what they expected (couples bringing down the mood, unreciprocated love, feeling betrayed). Gave them a lecture about fun. Kinda hard to enjoy yourself when your fun is so contingent on other people, no? BUT Garrett mentioned after that he took something from what I said and started to actually have fun so yayyy.

Korean food, mini golf, alcohol shopping at Surfer's paradise. And more alcohol shopping at Dan Murphy's. Multiple times.

Wet 'n Wild was a continuous cycle of free-fall thrills from the rides/slides and shivering from the cold. Tip for next time: Bring a towel. We also derived great satisfaction from eye-ing down two 13-year-old looking couples in a jacuzzi. Much too much PDA.

Highlights of Movie World were the Scooby Doo ride, Superman, crappy churros and getting wet. Also bumped into Christina's gang.

Loved catching up with Jessie. She took me to a delicious burger place, brunch and took me on a drive around Bond University. Also met her boyfriend.

Garrett cooked THE best spring onion omelette ever. I demonstrated to everyone the technicalities of a tim tam slam.

The supernatural experience of the last night.

A good trip,
Me.

Hm.

I think I have structured my life around a desire to be needed and a refusal to need.

Fudge buckets.

I'm getting slightly more attached than I feel comfortable with. Time to run for the hills?

Girl with a gun

So.

Post-uni study break. Justin, Ben and I went to Springvale to check out a shooting range. Pretty dayum sick. Ah that spontaneous spending of $45 for 50 bullets, rent of a rifle and a target. That kinda bad ass feeling in the crisp night air. That satisfaction of shooting a gun. That rebellious thrill of not studying when I should be. Tick off the bucket list. :)

I wasn't a too terrible a shot.. Got a few bullseyes.

Worth.
Me

relationships lol

Why hello there, old friend.

I've been avoiding you, haven't I? You force me to think about things I don't want to think about, make me face concrete truths, tell me what I know I'm supposed to do but don't want to.

I KNOW OKAY. I have to figure out what I want. 

To care or not to care? To move forward or stay here or back out? To be vulnerable or build barricades? To pursue or retreat? To dive head in or flee for dear life? HELP.

Something I do know though, is that I maybe need to stop 'going with the flow'. Stop relying on what other people tell me (I keep getting influenced in one way, then the other before I can act on the first influence. So I'm getting nowhere really). Stop chickening out. Stop being stubborn. Stop waiting.

If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days - Sylvia Plath

^ me. It makes sense though. Then what you get is always going to be something you want. But you would also never get the other thing you want.

Okay. Honest. Time to be honest with myself. I keep convincing myself that I'm happy waiting here. That it's better, safer, less risky here. Perhaps it is. But I'm definitely (maybe?) not happy waiting here. Not for much longer anyway. I need certainty. I need to go all in or to quit the game. I was wrong about me. I thought I'd be able to remain indifferent, chill, blazé. BUT APPARENTLY I'M WEAK AND I CAN'T. ugh. I'm the emotional one. bleh.

At the same time though, I'm not thaaat emotional. I mean, whichever way it goes, imma be fine. I can deal. Not gonna be ecstatic or mope. I'd be pretty neutral. Just less spazzy. Calmer. I like knowing what's going on. Structure. Clear lines. Deliberate ignorant bliss was fun for a while. Not saying it wasn't the right thing for then. But perhaps something has shifted. And everything is pointing to one thing.

On another note, just watched Fast and Furious 7 with the fam. Good movie.
Also supported Martyn at Barry Plant's launch of apartments in Doncaster. Interesting. Free food. Met new people. Pretty view.

It's past my bedtime. < explanation for possibly sounding crazy.
Me

You can't avoid the inevitable

Man,

It's heartbreaking; the realisation that you can't trust someone with your secrets, not because they don't love you, not because they intentionally want to hurt you, but because it's who they are. It's coded in their DNA to share everything. They can't help it. They can't comprehend that some things are intended for their ears only. All the telling, pleading, begging in the world wouldn't help.

They blurt out secrets and spill stories all over so all that's left is a mess. Then come misunderstandings and confusion. Then come the hurt and pain that comes with cleaning it up.

It's so frustrating.

I knew that you weren't great at secret-keeping, but I'd forget. You gave me so much of you and I wanted to return the favour. I'd give up little pieces here and there for you to keep, only to feel betrayed when I found them scattered everywhere. My treasures were flung around like they were nothing, freely distributed so they became common stones to be stepped on.

But it is how it is.You accept it, bundle up the things you hold dear to your heart and bury them. As much as you want to share, you know you can't. You have no choice but to sacrifice an open relationship to protect yourself.

Feeling ugh,
Me