Not wanting to want

You know what I don't like?

I don't like being in a state of wanting. 

I've always been a simpleton who was contented with the present. I was satisfied with whatever state of affairs I was in, without too much worry about the past or the future. But somehow, be it the result of my own initiative to develop more drive because I think it's desirable to do so, or out of fear that I'm settling because I'm not being proactive enough, I have come to a point where I am in a state of wanting.

On a large scale, I want to know what my adult life will look like, where I will be and who will be there. On a smaller scale, I want to go on exchange to HKU, to get a paralegal job at Allens, for Matt to come to church with me, for the occasional insecurities that pop up to sort themselves out. And yet I know all these things are mostly beyond my control.

Perhaps it's just this stage of life where many of my peers are on the cusp of change and I feel like the decisions I make and what I do now will have much more significant repercussions. They will shape my life for the years to come. Then again, haven't decisions and actions always had future consequences? Why have I not concerned myself with such worries until now? 

I don't like to want. It creates the most subtle sense of restlessness and anxiety that is barely noticeable. Until I notice. And then I want to get rid of it.

It's funny because in BSF right now we're learning about Jesus proclaiming himself as the bread of life that sustains us. It's nothing new; I've heard it all before. But there's a different meaning to it now. Either God is creating this sense of want so I can realise that it's Him I should be seeking, or I realised that we should have a desire to seek Him and that is creating the sense of want. Ha. 

I just confused myself.

Me.

Tan Fambam

The more I go through life, the more I'm realising how truly fortunate I am to have such a loving and supportive family.

Mum and Dad have so. much. patience. and wisdom, generosity, resilience.

They have to balance between so many factors and considerations. They constantly have to make difficult decisions where they only find out if it's right in hindsight (and if it's wrong too bad). Consequences must be faced, whether they resulted from your own actions or from things beyond your control.

How do they pour out so much love and still have heart left over? How do they give everything and expect nothing in return? To constantly fuel 3 other lives without burning out? As a parent, one must to recognise the weight of responsibility in the impact that you have on your children's lives. And yet, how do you do so without feeling pressured till cracking point? It really seems like an impossible feat. 

I've asked them before how they manage to navigate the complex maze of parenthood. Their response is that God is faithful and guides them through it all. Sure they're not perfect people, I know that now. But I have experienced their unconditional love, observed the wise decisions, seen the fruitful return (both financial and non-financial investments) of the risks taken. They have the most genuine, unselfish desire to set us up to have all the opportunities for the best lives possible. It's because of years and years of their blood, sweat and tears that our family has come to where we are today.

Achieving Tan family goals. Eternally grateful. Feeling blessed and liable. 

The hope is that I'd be able to do the same for my children in the future. 

Me.

Looking backwards and forwards

Hello 2017,

At the start of yet another new year, I figured I should stop and reflect on the themes of this current transitional period of teenager to adult. (how sentimental)

From memory, 2015 was about excitement and exploration. I was 19, in my last year of teenagehood. So it was about testing the boundaries and experiencing what life had to offer without thinking too much about the consequences. It was rollercoaster ride of highs and lows and appreciating the unpredictability of life.

2016 was more reflective. I was 20 and I needed a firmer grasp on who I was. It was about having purpose behind everything I did; I made sure I knew my whys and how to articulate them. I felt more self-assured and at peace the decisions that I made for myself. Lost things made space for new friends and the funnest times. It was a year of simple pleasures and being productive.

2017, I think you will be a year of learning to grow up while staying young at heart. I will turn 21 so perhaps there will be more discovery of who future-Erica will be. I hope to become better (in all areas of life), to learn to be more independent, and to plan (a little) more long-term. But I will also remember to always live in wonder of the beautiful complexity of people and the world.

Excited,
Me.