Not wanting to want

You know what I don't like?

I don't like being in a state of wanting. 

I've always been a simpleton who was contented with the present. I was satisfied with whatever state of affairs I was in, without too much worry about the past or the future. But somehow, be it the result of my own initiative to develop more drive because I think it's desirable to do so, or out of fear that I'm settling because I'm not being proactive enough, I have come to a point where I am in a state of wanting.

On a large scale, I want to know what my adult life will look like, where I will be and who will be there. On a smaller scale, I want to go on exchange to HKU, to get a paralegal job at Allens, for Matt to come to church with me, for the occasional insecurities that pop up to sort themselves out. And yet I know all these things are mostly beyond my control.

Perhaps it's just this stage of life where many of my peers are on the cusp of change and I feel like the decisions I make and what I do now will have much more significant repercussions. They will shape my life for the years to come. Then again, haven't decisions and actions always had future consequences? Why have I not concerned myself with such worries until now? 

I don't like to want. It creates the most subtle sense of restlessness and anxiety that is barely noticeable. Until I notice. And then I want to get rid of it.

It's funny because in BSF right now we're learning about Jesus proclaiming himself as the bread of life that sustains us. It's nothing new; I've heard it all before. But there's a different meaning to it now. Either God is creating this sense of want so I can realise that it's Him I should be seeking, or I realised that we should have a desire to seek Him and that is creating the sense of want. Ha. 

I just confused myself.

Me.