Leftovers

can you please just start officially dating someone so i regretlessly (yes i know that's not an actual word), completely and meticulously get rid of the irritating little crumbs you left behind?

just ugh.

it would actually make me so happy if you did. i would be sincerely happy for you and for myself. 

happy and free.

your presence is stifling and totally ruining my fun.

i like it much better when you're not there.

so i'd appreciate it if you leave. disappear. poof away.

thank you.

me.

A mentality

To live selflessly.

Every thought, action, word to be carried out for the sole purpose of others.

To love unconditionally. To love without asking to be loved in return.

To give with no ulterior motives, never expecting acknowledgement.

To leave yourself as an open option, a friend, ready to listen, comfort and advise. To risk the heart twinge of not being chosen. To accept being second, third, fourth with a confident smile.

And to do all this cheerfully, as if it's second nature. Not forced like it's an obligation, a chore.

Rather, it's a welcome joy. To relish in the chance to play the smallest role in God's kingdom.

But it's hard.

Here we go again

Freaking hell.

I don't need someone to tell me I'm perfect. Because I'm not. Please. No one is. Don't put these labels and pressures and expectations on me. I'm a human being. Like you. Like everyone else. No more, no less.

I don't need freaking flattery or compliments that are loaded with underlying meaning. I know you mean well, trying to boost my self-esteem or whatever, and I'm grateful for it. But seriously, my self-esteem is perfectly intact. The last thing I want to become is some self-absorbed, obnoxious little brat. And I'm nowhere near to having no confidence in myself. So seriously, just stop.

I just need someone who will listen to me rant, tell me stories, be there for me, ask me questions, answer my questions, share opinions. Someone to do life with, to accept me as me.

Enough with the stupidstupid comparisons. I'm begging you. It's pointless and tears at one's morale until it's bloodied and ripped into red ribbons. We are separate. Different people with our own individual qualities and flaws. You can't compare the breathtaking beauty of a sunset with the intricate beauty of patterns on butterfly wings. Each has its unique charm. You are red; fire and passion and inspiration, and I am blue. So can't we move past this petty insanity?

I hate this. Now I feel like I can't be myself anymore. You were, are, my closest friend and if I can't be myself around you, what do I have left? Perhaps you don't need me as much as I need you because you're very good at getting close to people. At building solid relationships. You have good friends around you, and you deserve that. To have people you can rely on, people you can call up whenever and talk for hours on end. It's something I have yet to learn to do; still stumbling along, trying to get it right. You're the only person that kind of (when you remove all distorted conceptions that arise from friendly, sometimes not so friendly, sisterly competitiveness), gets me. But hey, if this is really getting too hard. It's fine. I'll find someone else or make do on my own.

I won't stay where I'm not wanted. I get it. I understand. No hard feelings or whatever.

Okay bye.

Oh gosh. This is like Frozen.

Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart,
Your little sister.

Terrible but not Traumatic

Well.

Good job Erica. I think I deserve a great big pat on the back. Gosh how could I have been so careless?! I guess I wasn't concentrating properly. I don't know what was on my mind when it happened. Perhaps nothing. Just a delayed reaction and slow reflexes.

So, I decided to go on my 7th hour of driving yesterday. I had driven the day before, so I figured why not make this a habit and get my hours up? All was fine up until just before the bridge before the right turning going into church.

The traffic light turned green and the car in front of us started moving. I followed suit. I couldn't see that there were cars in front of the one directly in front of me, that were stopping at the next traffic light. (Gosh I suck at explaining these tedious little details.)

So when the car in front slowed to a stop (evidently my brain was elsewhere. I didn't see her brake lights), I didn't. And crash. Okay, more like a bump and a jerk forwards. Then panic, shock and disbelief. Dad told me to drive to the left and stop so he could take over. As I did so, you could hear the scrape of metal on the road like fingernails on a blackboard. Shit.

Pulled over at 7/11. The magnitude of what just happened struck me when I saw the front of Mum's Honda Civic. It had been completely defaced. You could see the skeleton of machinery and the radiator was leaking. I crouched so I was at eye level to the damage, absorbing it all. Freak.

Cue sobbing. Out of shock and incredulity I think. And anger at my own stupidity. Who even does that?!

The lady, whom I had crashed into, was a darling. She gave me a hug and was extremely understanding about the entire affair. She is the wife of a pastor at another church and she also had a daughter on her L's, who happened to have only 5 hours too. God is good. And Dad kept his cool throughout. He wasn't even mad and didn't blame me for anything. Jon was also very sweet about it.

At church, the tears wouldn't stop so I sat on the sidelines, calming myself down. Only of course, worship music "If I ever needed you, I need you now", seeming all too relevant, hardly helped to control unruly emotions. Mind wandered to worse-case-scenarios, imagining how drunk drivers must feel after an accident where someone is severely injured or a life is lost. The guilt, the shame, the disbelief at the finality of it. You can't rewind and take it back. That's it.

Anyway, a lesson learned, an experience experienced that will hopefully prevent a more serious accident in the future.

Sorry,
Me.