Horrible Mush of Emotions

Hm,

Ironic. Because I was expecting it. Expecting her to back out in spite of her being the original reason for the event. I guess I kind of knew it was just mostly talk. It was probably because she just couldn't be bothered, and just used 'maths' an excuse.

There's this horrible mush of emotions. Frustration, disappointment, rejection, annoyance, hurt, ugh-ness. A heavy, uncomfortable 'something' in the pit of my stomach. Sigh.

Oh, don't forget anger somewhere in the midst of it all. As much as I want to deny it, I know it's there. Idk if the anger justifiable, because she did want to do it. And I wanted to make it happen, or else it would just be a bunch of empty words strung into a meaningless sentence. Getting hyped up about nothing really.

I hate it, but I know how it feels to not want the bother of meeting up with people, the effort needed. I did the same on Thursday, skipped a dinner I had said I was going to go to.

But still. My petty, immature mind tells me that this situation is different. What she's doing is worse. Hurtful. Sure, she wasn't intentionally mean. But considering another's feeling would be nice.

Gah. I just wanted to get that out so I can wholeheartedly enjoy my time with the nice people who are actually coming.

Btw, Isabel, if you do happen to read this (you would be the only one who would), you cannot, cannot tell anyone, okay? It is not my intention to offend, or make anyone feel bad, but I have a feeling that it would offend. But I do need a place to vent. Or else it would come out the wrong way at the wrong time. Or maybe I'm just overly sensitive. Or lacking sleep. Or hormonal. Or moody.

Dreadfully disappointed.
Me.

I strongly dislike being the planner of events.

An odd bunch

So,
Geography excursion to Phillip Island yesterday. :) Super quick summary of the day.

I was in the Green group, all my friends were in Red, but that's okay. I had Rachael and Hosanna. :) Erh. Bus rides were a heck of a lot of fun. Filled with pods (Hosanna), chips (Viv), pringles (Jessie), Ritz (Laura F), JELLYBEANS (Isabel), Oreos (Rachael) and moreee. I contributed seaweed. Anyway, Cowes was destination no. 1. It was extremely windy and kind of humid. Fish & Chips for lunch. Disgusting Red-bull and Blood Orange gelati from Tiff. O.o Alysha is scared of seagulls. :P

Destination no.2 was the Penguin Parade! I got to see little penguin chicks in their artificial burrow boxes. Adorable, but slightly stinky..

Bus ride home was.. Idk. Haha. Isabel and I took random photos of random facial expressions, Jess and Vic changed song lyrics and sang them to Viv in order to get chips... Oh, we are an odd bunch. But it was fun. :)

Content,
Erica

Strange?

I don't cry much. When I do, a part of me enjoys it. The sensation of tears streaming down cheeks, the outpouring of feelings, wordless and strangely peaceful. Odd? I think so.

Maybe it's because it makes me feel human, like I have a soul, instead of being some heartless creature acting, pretending, living amidst other humans.

Taming Time

Wow.

I can't mentally believe it's the start of 2011, Year 10, 15-year-old, Term 4 tomorrow. D: Time is just whooshing past so fast that I'm not even registering it's movement. Sigh. I'm so scared one day I'll just wake up one day, and whole chunk of my life will have passed, and I won't even remember it..

Anyways.. This 3 week holidays, I have managed to watch 3 movies: Monte Carlo, Abduction and Johnny English Reborn. The last was the one I thought was worth watching.. But then, I guess it was worth it because of the time I got to spend with people... lol. idk. I've bought and eaten lots of food, taken lots of lovely walks, played badminton with church friends, attempted to make a movie (fail) and had 2 sleepovers (I'm including ROAR Ironman Camp).

I've gotten closer to people. I think. And I'm learning to let go and let things happen. My motto is 'be nice, and things will happen'. LOL. I made that up on the spot.

Oh yeah, another notable event. I got a letter. From this guy from church. That said he liked me. o.o He's really sweet to everybody and stuff. But I don't like him in that way. (I'm not mentioning looks because they don't matter. At least that's what I'm telling myself. D:)SO awkward now. Idk what to do, so I'm just gonna act normal. I've been doing that and it seems to be working.

Not as uptight,
Me.

Core Values & Beliefs-ish

Right.

I've lately been reflecting (ikr. i'm so deep. lol.) about my core values and beliefs. I mean, that really is a massive part of what makes you, you, right? So I figured I should clearly outline them, so as to not sway too much from what is right. Because it's so easy. One wrong decision leads to another to another and then you get so used to doing the wrong thing that it's normal. And you then do it naturally.

Seriously. Sometimes I think I'm a horrible, moody, shallow, judgemental, conceited person who cares about no one but herself. Honestly, if I weren't a Christian, and I didn't have God to keep my conscience firm, I'd be even worse..

Anywho, the list can be altered and improved of course. Btw, it's gonna be extremely corny, but I will try to put it into practice.

1. Put others before myself. (I think I need to do that more..)
2. Not care about what others think. (Now that needs a whole lot of work)
3. Tell the truth.
4. Not speculate. Take on life as it comes at me. :) If it's meant to happen, it'll happen.
5. Savour every moment. Because every moment is unique and will never come again. Even negative moments. Heck, savouring them might even make them postive moments. :D

Yeah. I'm just gonna a stop there for now.. o.o
Me