Life summary

Wow it's been ages.

Brief updates.

1. Young Adults' Camp
   Let the teasing begin. A competition open to all non-females. Thanks Kendrick. I'm oh-so grateful for your so-called 'help'. Got an image for Sam: Him being ice-bucket-ed with fresh, cold water. A shock at first but refreshing and cleansing. He'd adjust to the cold of the water so the temperature of the air would become relatively warmer? Saturday night was people getting "moosed" (loosed) and collapsing on the ground after the pastor touched them lightly on the head. Tears, laughter, smiles, breakdowns. It was quite a sight.
    
2. Biomedicine Ball
   Table members (for future reference), Becky, 2 dudes from Monash, Tim, Edmund, Kendrick, Martyn, Ellie, Sam, Dong, Jeffery and me. Running in the rain from the tram stop to the venue. A 3-course meal with a bread roll with butter as the entrée and an amazingamazing chocolate tart dessert. Minor issues with the lobby guy at the apartment because we got caught having 8 people go up when a room is only supposed to have 4. Whoops. Sam saved us with his quick thinking.
   
3. Vicky's birthday dinner at Terra Rossa
   Despite the rather pricey but average food, catching up with old friends never gets old. Much enjoyment listening to Isabel's love life. :P
   
4. The Breakfast Club
   Once at Dr Dax (best banana bread, french toast, carrot cake), again at Le Miel et La Lune with Jeffery (french toast with bacon and butterscotch banana, poached eggs on toast), study day at Deakin and lunch at Taste Dumpling where we planned our future trip to Europe. Ah such talk of plans that are unlikely to come into fruition. But hey, the possibility in itself is beautiful. Oh we also had Wii night at Janelle's. Made banana & coconut milk bread pudding, watched 21 Jump Street. Got tipsy from skulling ONE cup of champagne. Went from 'I'll take anyone' to 'I'm super picky' as I blabbed whatever came to mind as Kendrick drove me home.
   
5. Chill out sessions with the Crew
   Glenny dinners before lifegroup, midnight maccas/pancake parlour/ice-cream runs, movie nights at Mel's, $5 pizza at the park behind Martyn's house, half-studying with Dong at Ben's, 10/10 conversations in Chai's car.
   
6. The Fried Crew
   Occasionally crashing Glee classes. They remind me so much of choir. Drinking night at Ben Seet's, getting beaten by Kendrick in HSM singstar's "When there was me and you". Watching 'Gone Girl'. Lunch at TGIF instead of High Tea (damn). Kendrick's birrthday dinner at Koeda's at the Glen.
   
7. Work
   Getting used to a heap of criticism and condescension from David the Baker. But it's good actually. I'm learning heaps (i.e. how to pay attention to detail, business ethics, time is money, how to prioritise, patience). Plus Karyea told me the back story of what happened when the new owners bought over the business and supposedly mucked everything up. So I can sympathise with why he's so grumpy and bitter so much the time. And his sarcasm is funny (unless I'm already in a bad mood). And I'm glad I get to practice my Chinese. 

And that's all for now, folks. 

A memory to be remembered

There were no expectations. The basis for my decision? I was allowing myself a final breath of freedom before the exam cram began. The idea of chilling at Rooftop bar on such a beautiful day was too attractive, I couldn’t say no. I was curious to see if things could be normal despite everything. 

And it was. The small talk on the train, the making of faces at a cute little girl in a princess tutu, the lightheartedness of it all. Then we met up with Sam and his lawyer brother at Rooftop. 

A giant cup of cider, conversation about Isaac Asimov’s Foundation series, about Artificial Intelligence, being advised to try Ecstasy “at least once” in my life (that was funny), bumping into Christina, meeting Alicia. 

Then we half stumble to some Chinese restaurant in QV, eat some food and have a beer. Then up to another rooftop and another cider. Then to some other bar where I refuse another drink, already feeling the buzz. Then we leave.

Idk how, but somehow I end up in his arms, head on his chest as we wait for the train. Find a corner double seat, sleep in warmth. Miss my stop. Stumble to his car. End up in the backseat. Cuddle, blanket, more sweet slumber. I realise at the back of my mind that it’s getting late. He drives. Home.

Not thinking any more of it. It was what it was and hey, it was fun.

Digging for truth

It is ridiculous.

People are never how they seem and what they say is never what they mean.

Where is the truth? The truth is so heavily processed and packaged in people's minds that, by the time it gets spoken into words, it looks nothing like it did at the start.

People say things to make themselves look better, to get something from you, to feel important because someone else wants to listen to what they have to say, amongst a million other selfish reasons. There is almost always an underlying motivation, a 'what can I get out of this' mentality. What happened to authenticity? To transparency? To staying true to who you are? but okay i get it. in this world, you can't always be who you are because who you are sometimes isn't good enough.

Listen to 2 people who experienced the same event and their stories are worlds apart. The good guy and the bad guy are interchangeable depending on who you ask. Then your own perception warps the story further. Your personal biases come into play. You take what you want out of the story and come to your own conclusion. How do you differentiate opinion from fact? You can't.

Everything is so steeped in rubbish and the dirt can't be cleaned off. Ever. You just have to accept it, suck-ish as it is. Or build yourself a bubble of ignorant bliss and blind yourself to the painful reality of life.

Maybe it's naïve to choose to only see the best in people; to consciously ignore the ugliness and focus on the good. It's a silly ideal. But it's not like I have a choice. It's too unsettling. If I were to let myself dwell upon these thoughts, I'd sink deep into the quicksand and suffocate. I'd retreat into a hole and live the lonely life. No people. No complications. No emotions.

Feeling ugh,
Me

A night out

Thursday night.

Paint party.

Glenny kids.

Apartment.

Smirnoff.

Bed.

Sleep.

Korean.

No foam.

Cloudy night.

Balcony.

Power rangers.

Couch.

Muesli bar.

Silence.

food & friends

So,

Chris, Phil and Melody came over to chef. The menu included non-vegetarian Jamie Oliver quesidillas and Masterchef chocolate fondant with Sara Lee vanilla ice-cream. Mmmmm. For future reference, do not attempt to manually beat the eggs till white. Sorry Phil.

What it didn't include were trolley races, a who-can-hold-the-longest-squat competition, a belting of 'I'll Make a Man Out of You' in Phil's car and 3 hours of karaoke in the basement.

A night of childish happiness.
Me

Kina Grannis!

Kina Grannis! :D

She looks like a pixie.

The opening act was Patrick James. He was awkward with his "um's" and stumbled through guitar tunings without the learned ease of Kina Grannis. At one point of a song, someone initiated off-rhythm clapping and he stopped, said "If you're gonna clap, at least clap in time." There was a fraction of a moment's stunned silence before good-humoured laughter. He resumed playing, and we resumed clapping but in time this time. He also mentioned having 0.1% of the number of Kina Grannis' subscribers on Youtube. Oh the budding artist's struggle of selling oneself without sounding like it.

Then Kina Grannis. Hannah and I flipped. Her voice was every bit as lovely. She'd explain the story behind certain songs, adding more meaning and substance to them. Like how dead roses bloomed into 'Winter' and the paranoia being murdered during a solo song-writing retreat led to 'Little Worrier'.

Highlights? When the keyboardist played the Super Mario Bros Bowser castle theme song. When the drummer rapped spontaneously. When Kina Grannis sang 'Message From Your Heart' unplugged and got the audience to sing the bumbumbum parts.

Twas absolutely worthwhile.
Me

Busy Bee

I'm "busy".

I'm desperately searching for meaning in everyday activities. I'm doing things and things can be converted into value.... no? 

I'm a productiveness-aholic. lol

It's a diversion from my thoughts. Because thinking points a glaring torchlight at (intentionally) forgotten corners, exposing all the dirt, dust and cobwebbed flaws. Time for an early spring cleaning of denials. How naïve of me to think that by ignoring those nagging feelings and skin-pinching insecurities, I could make them go away. Come on Erica. You should know better than that. Man up and deal.

I don't want to be left behind.

I want to be loved, admired, remembered. I want to be interesting, capable, thoughtful. I want to make a difference. I want to share my blessings. I want others to experience God for themselves, in their own way.

I'm scared that if I pause, it'll be a stop. I'll crawl into bed and stare into nothingness, unable to dig up the energy to get up again. Or just not want to.

But maybe I should hit the brakes. See where that takes me. I've been going full speed ahead that a stop n look around might be good for a change.

But how?
Me.

Different forms of fun

So,

Blurple. Tried my first 2 yaegerbombs (how do you spell that?). Good music, people, dancing and fun. Nuff said. Took the morning 5.15am train home with Martyn, Phil and Jeffery. Hey, I pulled my first all-nighter and slept in for once in my life. The night out was enjoyable, but brekkie at 2pm was totally the highlight.

Korean dinner for Viv's birthday celebration. I've said this before, but there's something warming about hanging with Viv, Vicky and Isabel. Old friends. An ease? A comfortable awkwardness in catching up and finding things to talk about. I can't describe it. A reassuring sense that they know you, at least better than most others, after having spent so much time together. More music and dancing at Scarlett Saturdays. Was it worth that $27 entry though? Just.

Yum Cha lunch with Mum&Dad's lifegroup. A table of 10 kids. 2 girls, 8 boys. Year 9s, Year 11s, Year 12s and me. Laughed much more than expected. Ordered endless amounts of food to increase everyone's finger depiction of their fullness scale. Made a sesame seed heart, stuffed my face with mochi ice-cream & egg tarts, got peer pressured into eating a cube of jelly (by KIDS!), added a tea leaf moustache & goatee to a chilli sauce face on a napkin, joked about the greedy glint in the waitresses' eyes as they pushed food onto our table hoping to take advantage of the insatiable appetites of youth... Basically acted shamelessly like a 15 year old. And loved every moment.

Dreading the day that I get too old for this. Or become someone who thinks they're too cool for this.

Enjoying the best of "young adult partying" fun and "childish silly" fun.
Me.

Driving Dread

Challenge accepted.

I will learn to drive and it will become second nature to me. The thought of driving a car will not fill me with dread.

I'll master the fear that at any moment, the slightest mistake, misjudgement of timing or space will lead to death and destruction. (Sounds like an exaggeration. But think about it. It's true)

I shall climb over this fear of driving. I can't keep avoiding it, making other people drive me to places and surviving on public transport.

Time for some tedious practice.

In need of a break

It's been a long day.

A badly done 3 hour exam. A humbling reality check.

I scraped off the brightly coloured paint to take a long, hard look at the rusting metal underneath. It wasn't pretty. I wasn't pretty. Not that the painted surface was particularly appealing anyway. It was the wrong shade, a little too glossy, the colour of plastic toys. It had been appropriate for a certain period in the past, but now it just looked outdated. So what now? Time to search for some new colours maybe.

I was definitely pushing it at Lifegroup tonight. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and stay there for a week. That's still all I want to do. But sometimes, you have to do what you don't feel like doing. That's what responsibility is, right? Maturity... Right?

Having said that, there were silver linings. The girls are bonding-ish. I feel like Eden really needs a solid group of girl friends and and we're heading in the right direction. :)

I need to stop comparing. It is depressing. It's probably just an off day though.

Trying to read between the lies.
Me.

Definitions

Define friendship.

Google says it's "the emotions or conduct of friends." What is a friend? Well apparently it's "a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection."

Well thanks Google, you just answered my question. Not. Please that was so not helpful. Not to mention extremely vague. Psh.

So according to your definition, Google, friendship could be purely emotion-based. The feeling of buddiness, zero action required. Hm, questionable. Then you go on to say 'conduct'. I guess that's closer. You have to at least behave like a friend. But come on, you could put your best buddy self forward, pretend to care, but really, not give two chewed pieces of gum about the other person. I'd hardly call that friendship.

A "bond of mutual affection" sound promising. It has to be a 2-way thing that links two people together. Plus affection sounds like such a warm, fuzzy word. But it's just a feeling really. And feelings are so temperamental. They come and go and change for good reasons, bad reasons, and no reason whatsoever. Where is the commitment, the I-will-stick-by-you-no-matter-what, the we-know-and-accept-each-others'-flaws... All the stuff that books and movies are built around? Right. That's why it's called fiction. Okaaaay. Unrealistic. Life doesn't work that way. People don't exist with the sole goal of being a good friend. A gazillion other factors come to play. lol. I get it.

The point of this? There is no point. (haha sorry, time, for wasting you) Just me procrastiblogging about how intangible friendship actually is. And how it means different things for different people.

Man I really shld've been studying ARA.
Me.

One of those days

How do you find a balance between protecting yourself and being completely selfish?

Giving leaves you vulnerable. Be it your time, your thoughts, or any other part of yourself; you risk being taken advantage of, being rejected or left feeling even more alone. Opening up, like really opening up, is scaaary. You put yourself out there only to realise that you could never compete with everyone else. You don't want to. Look, I know it's not a competition, but it feels like I'm losing. Anyway, the point is, don't jump and you won't get hurt if no one catches you. Don't offer and you won't look stupid if no one needs what you're offering.

Okayokay. STOP. This is bad mentality. Psh, honestly Erica. Where are your morals?

It's not about me. It's about how I can use my life to add meaning to the lives of others, yes? About authenticity. Genuine love for others. The whole point is offering and offering and offering until it turns out to be just the thing that one person needs. And bam. Life change. And that makes it all worth it, right? Right. You jump, and it's okay if no one catches you, because God will. His love is enough, right? Right. You've been blessed with sososososososo much that if you didn't give as much as you could, you'd be a selfish, ungrateful brat, right? Right. Man I sound like some crazy person giving myself a pep talk.

I want to give. I do. To bless others. To share what I have. I do. It has just been an insecure, 'let'sgiveupwhoneedsfriends' few hours. BUT as Xavier said in X-men: Days of Future Past, somethingsomething those who lose their way, somethingsomething doesn't mean they've lost their path. Somethingsomething hope. I shall hunt for the actual quote.

edit: "Just because someone stumbles and loses their way, doesn't meant they're lost forever." Thanks Tess. :P

So a temporary blip. I'll work towards that dignified, selfless girl; the one who is awesome, not to be liked (i.e. for ultimately selfish reasons), but because that is how she is. Or wants to be.

Meandering,
Me.

The distance hurts more when you're near me

I have fallen in love with Kina Grannis' new album Elements.

lovelovelove it.

MCCC Formal

MCCC Formal.

Well my super secret mission was an utter fail. Did not succeed in gaining one ounce of information from Ivan. Sorry Hannah. BUT I totally made up for it by (completely naturally and discreetly of course) manoeuvring myself away so they sat next to each other at Inspire Conference. Muahahaha.

Anyway, highlights? Talking to Chai and Ivan, dancing, really good bread&butter, Chris' company, Viv drunkenly walking into a glass door, tipsy Vicky's you're-so-babe-i-love-you's, post-shot/champagne/vodka sunrise giggly high.

Lowlights? Trying to remain indifferent to you-know-who and slightly aggro drunk Jenny. She was super cool before the 10-12 shots, but after... We definitely should not have let her drink that much. She munted on the carpet. Gross. And touched everyone's boobs and kissed everyone. It was amusing and scary at the same time. Note to self: NEVER get that drunk. Ever.

Well, that pretty much sums it up.
Me

Lost in the forest of life

How?

I feel like I could be, should be doing more with my life. I should be more involved, take more initiative, seize more opportunities.

And yet, I feel like I couldn't possibly do more. I'm doing too much. There isn't enough lying-on-the-grass-listening-to-music time. I want to stare into space and take long wandering walks without feeling guilty, like I should be doing something productive.

Again, I am being too greedy. I want everything.

I want to meet new people, get to know people from different backgrounds with different opinions, hear their stories.

And yet, I want to build on existing friendships, to strengthen the already-present bonds. To have friends that you get and that get you. There's no pressure to be funny or interesting or whatever. You can just be.

I want to do my best in everything: studies, friends, youth leading, work, family. But I only have so much time and energy. I'm struggling to keep up.

I'm constantly rushing. Sometimes, i'll notice my heart racing abnormally fast for no reason. Because I've become used to the anxiety of needing to be somewhere, doing something.

And there has been a couple of off days where I've surpassed my extroversion limit.

Conversations are an effort. They're forced, unnatural. Do people notice? I hope not.

I want to talk to people, not out of politeness or obligation, but from a genuine wanting to listen to what they're saying. I want them to feel like they are a pleasure to talk to. Because they are. But sometimes, I'm just so tired of it all. My smile feels stretched and the words that come out of my mouth, empty.

Perhaps I need to go back, to centre myself around God. Focus on him and everything else will fall into place. The question is how?

Lost in the forest of life,
Me.

18ness

So.

Brief updates. Chris and my "birthday party". I love how chill Mum and Dad are about everything.

Music, mindless chatter, friends. Then when Auntie Bee Keng left, the REAL fun began. lolol. We played spin the bottle. The Christian Truth or Dare version of course. Psh, like we would start making out with each other. Please.

I MISSED OUT ON CHRIS' SHIRTLESS LAP DANCE FOR PHIL. Ah what a shame. Then the double Chris kiss? That was cute. Although Chris W really ought to have kissed the girl that he, deep down inside, wanted to. Guys are such wimps these days. Honestly. Man up. Bahaaha. Okay maybe I'm being too harsh.

Dancing on the grass under a blanket of stars, then snuggling back under the blanket on the picnic mat. Talked about life and relationships with Chris, Phil and Mel. I'd say that was the best part of the night. Chilling, breathing in the night air, lying in comfortable silence. And arguing as to whether girls should ask guys out. I get the guys' point of view. But no. Disagree. Disagree.

AA boat cruise was, overall, a great night. A night of 18ness, of 'yay I'm legal', of getting out, letting loose a little and partying with friends.

- First shot with Tess
- Generous of other Ben to shout us all cranberry vodka
- Sweet of Kendrick to buy my third alcoholic beverage (LOL) after the effects of the first 2 wore off.

With the exception of one minuscule little detail, I had fun. I liked stepping out to breathe fresh, unbreathed air (be it on my own or with Sam if he happened to be there). There's something soothing about watching the city scene skim past and mindlessly staring at the light reflections in water. Oh Viv and her crazy, head shaking dance moves. :)

In the middle of the dance floor, with bodies in every line of sight (every line of every sense really), I went through phases. Phases of thinking, of losing myself to the moment and of thinking about being lost in the moment; phases of "hey this is fun" and of "i'm bored." I bounced from "lalalahappyhappyfuntimes, i don't caaaaaare. whoo partayyy." to "ughhhhhhh. you suck."

I was more tired than tipsy by home time.

Young and free?
Me

My heart.

My hearrrrrt.

This is affecting me way too much. I'm thinking about this way too much.

This is unbearable. Unacceptable! I cannot any longer. Cannot deal.

This calls for action. Active something. Anything. Even actively doing nothing would be better than this compliant let's go with the flow-ness.

Let's go with the flow-ness is not working for me. It leaves too much margin for hope. Pathetic, useless hope that REFUSES TO GO AWAY.

EVEN AFTER FRIDAY.

What. The. Hell. Is. Wrong. With. Me.

Ugh.

Which is why, I need to rip this bandaid off. A clean slice through the heart instead of a constant hammer-ing that will leave heart shards everywhere. The latter is too messy, takes too long and leaves pieces behind. Lingering pieces that could potentially start this all over again. Please no.

One deep cut, all the pain at once, felt and then gotten over with. That, right now, sounds better than small cuts (small but they hurt nonetheless) that continue indefinitely.

I can do this. I will do this. Breathe.

This is totally all your fault. I blame you.

Heart-sore,
Me

Start of the University Chapter

Phew,

University. New chapter. 2 weeks flew past like the flip of a page. BAM and where'd all the time go? It's good having Dong, Chai and Kendrick to train, walk to classes and lunch with; to have a core group of friends amidst a sea of strangers (or potential new friends, depending on how you wanna see it :P) I'm never alone in a lecture and I like that. But on the other hand, I never feel the need to step out of my comfort zone and meet new people. Which is what university is supposed to be for, no?

But that being said, we do find new acquaintances (future buddies? ha) in tutorials. OH I love French class. My new French buddy is Misha. He has such pretty eyes. My gosh, I want them. Haha. Eyes aside, he's chill and easy to relate to. And the 2 Greek kids are pretty cool too. Marielena is gorgeous. And super friendly.

I have decided that Chai is awesome. Okay, I sorta already knew that she's a really thoughtful and able to get along with anyone. But really, I admire how genuinely caring she is.

Tuesday, everyone seemed to get on my nerves. Slightly. Idk why. I overthought things. Bad. Until the last carriage heart train incident which cheered me up a little.

Got sick on Wednesday. Woke up with a tremendously heavy head that throbbed and spun.

Thursday was funn. Stayed back after uni with Crystal and Will. Chilled in the library, read pre-readings (omgsh SO tedious. I'd rather do actual work. maybe) aand then we went to Grill'd for dinner. Then Will took me to the dance centre because I had no idea how to get there. LOL. Met Matt and his sister Lailing? Although I did not realise they were siblings until we were on the train back home. Awkwarrrd. Dance class was great! I hadn't realise just how much I missed dancing. Uncoordinated and slow as I was, it felt good to move my body and get into the ridiculously fast rhythm. Hopefully I'll get some of my dancing skills back eventually?

I think I'll get to like uni more once I get a little more used to it.
Yay to new friends.
Me.

A nudge to listen

So,

I'm in a room, in a circle with a small group of church friends (4 or 5 of us?). We're praying in tongues I think.

Then I get the God experience I've always wanted: the supernatural, out of the ordinary, in pouring of the Holy Spirit. I fall to the floor but not quite to the floor because I'm floating just a few inches above it?

I wake up and I'm on all fours, palms and knees on the ground. Suddenly, I'm aware of the strangest sensation: my ears are gone. They're just not there. I glance up and see the others in a corner. I can hear them, but only vaguely (odd, seeing as I've got no ears to hear...) After that, a thought jumps to mind "I don't listen enough." It was a kind of realisation, an instant understanding of what I was doing wrong and what God wanted me to do.

Just like that, my ears came back. And with it, a feeling of lightness.

A message? I think yes.
Me

White Night

White night.

So I took the train with Vic and Viv. First time I had seen them in like 2 months. It was pretty fun just catching up and chatting with old friends. I miss the ease that comes with spending time with people that I've seen practically everyday for almost 6 years straight.

Dinner at Burma Lane. I must admit, although my noodles were pretty darn tasty, the stolen bite of Viv's Coffee and Ginger Cheesecake with coconut thingos, burnt white chocolate and ice cream was the highlight.

Bobbed, danced and appreciated the jazz band on Bourke Street. The guy playing the massive brass instrument (like a tuba but bigger) was cute (not cute guy cute but quirky cute). He was swaying to the beat. Haha.

Queued up for an hour for a wooden cube that had on it, information transmitted through a satellite from the planet Chehehe. LOL. Mine was bluee and having it supposedly enhances your creativity. Ha.

Slipped into the ocean of people on Swanston street. Stopped to watch street performers. A guy with a painted black&white face dancing with metal circles and a crystal ball. Some dude played a harmonica and guitar whilst tapping a beat with his feet/ beating a drum and cymbals. How does one have so much coordination?!

Belted out OHHH WE'RE HALFWAY THERE. WOAAAH OH LIVING ON A PRAYER with the crowd as a spread-out line of oddly dressed people carried boom boxes playing Bon Jovi.

Stepped into the theatre with a heartbeat thumping throughout the hall. (slightly nauseating actually)

Saw lights that coloured Flinders Street Station.

Met up with Vicky's friend's friends. A bunch of Melbourne Grammar School boys I think? I really do like meeting new people. Trying to suss out a stranger's stories and judge what their personality might be like. The guy I was talking to, Jimmy, did English Lit and Philosophy. He must be deep. BAHAH. Okay. Big assumption. But eh, he was friendly enough.

Night brings a different tinge to the air. It holds a certain excitement and mystery that I miss out on because the yawns and tired eyes call me to home and to bed. Dang.

Next time I shall last longer. Getting home at 2am ish is far too early. :P
Me.

Leftovers

can you please just start officially dating someone so i regretlessly (yes i know that's not an actual word), completely and meticulously get rid of the irritating little crumbs you left behind?

just ugh.

it would actually make me so happy if you did. i would be sincerely happy for you and for myself. 

happy and free.

your presence is stifling and totally ruining my fun.

i like it much better when you're not there.

so i'd appreciate it if you leave. disappear. poof away.

thank you.

me.

A mentality

To live selflessly.

Every thought, action, word to be carried out for the sole purpose of others.

To love unconditionally. To love without asking to be loved in return.

To give with no ulterior motives, never expecting acknowledgement.

To leave yourself as an open option, a friend, ready to listen, comfort and advise. To risk the heart twinge of not being chosen. To accept being second, third, fourth with a confident smile.

And to do all this cheerfully, as if it's second nature. Not forced like it's an obligation, a chore.

Rather, it's a welcome joy. To relish in the chance to play the smallest role in God's kingdom.

But it's hard.

Here we go again

Freaking hell.

I don't need someone to tell me I'm perfect. Because I'm not. Please. No one is. Don't put these labels and pressures and expectations on me. I'm a human being. Like you. Like everyone else. No more, no less.

I don't need freaking flattery or compliments that are loaded with underlying meaning. I know you mean well, trying to boost my self-esteem or whatever, and I'm grateful for it. But seriously, my self-esteem is perfectly intact. The last thing I want to become is some self-absorbed, obnoxious little brat. And I'm nowhere near to having no confidence in myself. So seriously, just stop.

I just need someone who will listen to me rant, tell me stories, be there for me, ask me questions, answer my questions, share opinions. Someone to do life with, to accept me as me.

Enough with the stupidstupid comparisons. I'm begging you. It's pointless and tears at one's morale until it's bloodied and ripped into red ribbons. We are separate. Different people with our own individual qualities and flaws. You can't compare the breathtaking beauty of a sunset with the intricate beauty of patterns on butterfly wings. Each has its unique charm. You are red; fire and passion and inspiration, and I am blue. So can't we move past this petty insanity?

I hate this. Now I feel like I can't be myself anymore. You were, are, my closest friend and if I can't be myself around you, what do I have left? Perhaps you don't need me as much as I need you because you're very good at getting close to people. At building solid relationships. You have good friends around you, and you deserve that. To have people you can rely on, people you can call up whenever and talk for hours on end. It's something I have yet to learn to do; still stumbling along, trying to get it right. You're the only person that kind of (when you remove all distorted conceptions that arise from friendly, sometimes not so friendly, sisterly competitiveness), gets me. But hey, if this is really getting too hard. It's fine. I'll find someone else or make do on my own.

I won't stay where I'm not wanted. I get it. I understand. No hard feelings or whatever.

Okay bye.

Oh gosh. This is like Frozen.

Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart,
Your little sister.

Terrible but not Traumatic

Well.

Good job Erica. I think I deserve a great big pat on the back. Gosh how could I have been so careless?! I guess I wasn't concentrating properly. I don't know what was on my mind when it happened. Perhaps nothing. Just a delayed reaction and slow reflexes.

So, I decided to go on my 7th hour of driving yesterday. I had driven the day before, so I figured why not make this a habit and get my hours up? All was fine up until just before the bridge before the right turning going into church.

The traffic light turned green and the car in front of us started moving. I followed suit. I couldn't see that there were cars in front of the one directly in front of me, that were stopping at the next traffic light. (Gosh I suck at explaining these tedious little details.)

So when the car in front slowed to a stop (evidently my brain was elsewhere. I didn't see her brake lights), I didn't. And crash. Okay, more like a bump and a jerk forwards. Then panic, shock and disbelief. Dad told me to drive to the left and stop so he could take over. As I did so, you could hear the scrape of metal on the road like fingernails on a blackboard. Shit.

Pulled over at 7/11. The magnitude of what just happened struck me when I saw the front of Mum's Honda Civic. It had been completely defaced. You could see the skeleton of machinery and the radiator was leaking. I crouched so I was at eye level to the damage, absorbing it all. Freak.

Cue sobbing. Out of shock and incredulity I think. And anger at my own stupidity. Who even does that?!

The lady, whom I had crashed into, was a darling. She gave me a hug and was extremely understanding about the entire affair. She is the wife of a pastor at another church and she also had a daughter on her L's, who happened to have only 5 hours too. God is good. And Dad kept his cool throughout. He wasn't even mad and didn't blame me for anything. Jon was also very sweet about it.

At church, the tears wouldn't stop so I sat on the sidelines, calming myself down. Only of course, worship music "If I ever needed you, I need you now", seeming all too relevant, hardly helped to control unruly emotions. Mind wandered to worse-case-scenarios, imagining how drunk drivers must feel after an accident where someone is severely injured or a life is lost. The guilt, the shame, the disbelief at the finality of it. You can't rewind and take it back. That's it.

Anyway, a lesson learned, an experience experienced that will hopefully prevent a more serious accident in the future.

Sorry,
Me.