I just want to stay in bed perpetually wrapped up in blankets listening to melancholic music and staring blankly into empty space.
But I'm not sure that will make me feel better.
So onward I will go. Keeping myself busy. Not falling behind in life. Doing things and things and things to prove that I'm okay. And I am okay for the most part. Happy even. I do still get my usual bouts of bubbling joy.
But it's in the in-betweens that there's an enticing whisper to curl up and let life slide away...
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Musings of the mind
Well I was right.
I'm learning lots from this experience.
I'm learning that I've never let myself want something above a certain calculated and controlled level of want. So in the event that I didn't get what I want, I'd be okay. If Plan A worked, perfect. If it failed, Plan B worked too. Heck, I'd convince myself that Plan B was even better. I had backups for my backups.
It was my airtight secret to happiness. The perfect 'how to avoid disappointment' scheme.
But perhaps it wasn't.
It was a pretend game. A modified version of 'if we close our eyes and can't see it, it's not there'. More child's play than mature thinking.
Maybe deep down, I knew what I wanted. But I stubbornly chose to ignore it. The alternative was too scary, too risky, much too much of a gamble.
But then it came and placed itself right in front of me. I smirked a smile (or smiled a smirk?); I danced around and flirted with the idea. Then, I skipped along my merry way. I didn't take a closer look, to see if it had sharp edges or a soft surface. I didn't want to look at the details, just in case I'd get too attached to leave it behind. I told myself I'd be happy if it came along, but not unhappy if it chose to stay behind.
Arms length was safe. It was comfortable. Whenever I contemplated reaching out and grabbing it. I told myself no.
But now I'm questioning how okay I'll actually be if it's gone. Whether I'll regret not risking a little more. Whether I'll look back and wish I did take ownership and call it mine. It wouldn't have been hard.or maybe it would have been who knows?
I have no doubt that I'll survive; it's coded in my DNA to. But perhaps it'll hurt more than I thought it would.
Decisions decisions. Questions everywhere.
Me
I'm learning lots from this experience.
I'm learning that I've never let myself want something above a certain calculated and controlled level of want. So in the event that I didn't get what I want, I'd be okay. If Plan A worked, perfect. If it failed, Plan B worked too. Heck, I'd convince myself that Plan B was even better. I had backups for my backups.
It was my airtight secret to happiness. The perfect 'how to avoid disappointment' scheme.
But perhaps it wasn't.
It was a pretend game. A modified version of 'if we close our eyes and can't see it, it's not there'. More child's play than mature thinking.
Maybe deep down, I knew what I wanted. But I stubbornly chose to ignore it. The alternative was too scary, too risky, much too much of a gamble.
But then it came and placed itself right in front of me. I smirked a smile (or smiled a smirk?); I danced around and flirted with the idea. Then, I skipped along my merry way. I didn't take a closer look, to see if it had sharp edges or a soft surface. I didn't want to look at the details, just in case I'd get too attached to leave it behind. I told myself I'd be happy if it came along, but not unhappy if it chose to stay behind.
Arms length was safe. It was comfortable. Whenever I contemplated reaching out and grabbing it. I told myself no.
But now I'm questioning how okay I'll actually be if it's gone. Whether I'll regret not risking a little more. Whether I'll look back and wish I did take ownership and call it mine. It wouldn't have been hard.
I have no doubt that I'll survive; it's coded in my DNA to. But perhaps it'll hurt more than I thought it would.
Decisions decisions. Questions everywhere.
Me
Tick off the bucketlist - All nighter numero uno
Dong, Martyn and I volunteered as tribute to line up for law ball tickets. Here are some snippets:
Post-lifegroup we head to Syndal bowling. Drink a couple of swigs of tequila in Delinda's car. Play some darts.
5.00am
We cook pancakes on Jordan's sandwich press.
I pull out my laptop in a guilty attempt to study. Kate catches me, I get told off and persuaded to drink gulps of wine to redeem myself.
Shake it off plays. Mini dance sesh.
6.00am (24 hours sans dormir)
FINALLY LAW LIBRARY OPENS.
Free coffee + pastries. Half-asleep rating of girls/boys. Terrible. I blame Martyn.
We panic bc Jay couldn't make it and we needed her cash. Dong, the legend, sprints to cash out. He makes it just in time after our number is called.
Ticket success.
9.00am
Uni. Lecture. Class. Zombiefied Erica.
7.00pm (37 hours sans dormir)
Sleep.
Post-lifegroup we head to Syndal bowling. Drink a couple of swigs of tequila in Delinda's car. Play some darts.
1.00am (19 hours sans dormir)
Hungry Jacks run.
Get to uni, we head to IT labs. Martyn whines over leaving hot sauce in the car. Typical.
Get to IT labs. Ben's ID card doesn't work for computer rooms. There's plaster everywhere and wires sticking out of the ceiling. So apparently IT labs are under renovation. Fabulous.
ATM stop to cash out money. $1.5k I believe was the sum.
Hunt for replacement 24/7 IT labs.
2.00am
Successful access to warm, well-lit computer room! So much joy. Martyn drools over money.
We attempt to do work.
2.30am
Woman walks in and asks for ID. Martyn + Dong 'Uh, we don't go here'. I feign ignorance and claim to be a Monash IT student. We apologise and pack up.
Kicked out of shelter into the cold night to find people around a spit roast fire. Chat to semi-drunk Science committee members who attempt to sell us tickets to Science Ball.
Hungry Jacks run.
Get to uni, we head to IT labs. Martyn whines over leaving hot sauce in the car. Typical.
Get to IT labs. Ben's ID card doesn't work for computer rooms. There's plaster everywhere and wires sticking out of the ceiling. So apparently IT labs are under renovation. Fabulous.
ATM stop to cash out money. $1.5k I believe was the sum.
Hunt for replacement 24/7 IT labs.
2.00am
Successful access to warm, well-lit computer room! So much joy. Martyn drools over money.
We attempt to do work.
2.30am
Woman walks in and asks for ID. Martyn + Dong 'Uh, we don't go here'. I feign ignorance and claim to be a Monash IT student. We apologise and pack up.
Kicked out of shelter into the cold night to find people around a spit roast fire. Chat to semi-drunk Science committee members who attempt to sell us tickets to Science Ball.
3.00am
Already approx 20 people camping out in front of law basement. Mattresses, sleeping bags, blankets, mats, junk food, footy, cards against humanity.
We make new friends. Kate and Kate and Laura and Grant and Adi.
New gang walks to Maccas.
4.00am
Dong shouts Chicken n Cheese burgers.
Martyn gets mad bc chicken pattie was stale. He marches up to the counter and demands a new one. Satisfied smirk face when he succeeds. Employee probs spat in burger.
Tiredness hits hard.
Already approx 20 people camping out in front of law basement. Mattresses, sleeping bags, blankets, mats, junk food, footy, cards against humanity.
We make new friends. Kate and Kate and Laura and Grant and Adi.
New gang walks to Maccas.
4.00am
Dong shouts Chicken n Cheese burgers.
Martyn gets mad bc chicken pattie was stale. He marches up to the counter and demands a new one. Satisfied smirk face when he succeeds. Employee probs spat in burger.
Tiredness hits hard.
5.00am
We cook pancakes on Jordan's sandwich press.
I pull out my laptop in a guilty attempt to study. Kate catches me, I get told off and persuaded to drink gulps of wine to redeem myself.
Shake it off plays. Mini dance sesh.
6.00am (24 hours sans dormir)
FINALLY LAW LIBRARY OPENS.
Free coffee + pastries. Half-asleep rating of girls/boys. Terrible. I blame Martyn.
We panic bc Jay couldn't make it and we needed her cash. Dong, the legend, sprints to cash out. He makes it just in time after our number is called.
Ticket success.
9.00am
Uni. Lecture. Class. Zombiefied Erica.
7.00pm (37 hours sans dormir)
Sleep.
A solid deposit to the memory bank,
Me.
Me.
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