Neuroticism

"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days." The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

That's where I am right now. It's like I'm standing in the middle of a rambunctious platform. People are shoving, stepping, striding all around me. Two trains on either side of me are departing in opposite directions at the same time, soon. I'm torn. I turn from one side to the other, then to my wristwatch. My mind flicks through the potential people I could meet; experiences I could have; things I could see at either destinations. Both are equally appealing. The sense of urgency builds itself into a miniature tower inside my throat, constricting air flow. Knots of anxiety twist and tighten themselves in the pit of my stomach.

Whenever an option comes into consideration, my brain sneers, "You can't possibly want to go there. How ludicrous." and I'm yanked back to sitting on the fence, no closer to a decision. My mind deliberates and argues with itself. I think and think and think myself everywhere and end up going nowhere.

Time ticks and tocks and runs out. And yet there I remain, rooted to the concrete floor.

A bell sounds, wheels turn, metal screeches and just like that, the trains leave.

I'm left behind with a suitcase of belongings beside my feet, unmoved since 15 minutes ago when I first arrived. I had been so filled with determination to go somewhere, to move.

Like an opened floodgate, emotions tumble in: regret, frustration, anger, sadness, confusion

So, so many missed trains, opportunities, just because I couldn't decide on what I wanted.


This year will be different. I will figure myself out and get somewhere. Not just anywhere, but a where I want to be.
Me

Thoughtful silliness

Omigoodness. Just watched the best episode of Community.

Season 3, Episode 16: Virtual Systems Analysis

There was so much thought and emotion and insight in it. And it was funny and imaginative.

Loved it.

Wilson's Prom

Well,

6 day family holidays to Wilson's Prom! It was an enlightening experience. lol. Let's sum it up.

Hm. Food! (including Lao Mai Chi, banana bread, scrambled eggs, curry, pasta, BBQ, waffles, kebabs and a gazillion other things because we're a foodie family), truth or truth with Keira (she's so very mature for her age), daily ice-cream thanks to Auntie Dianne, trivia night, judging skits, handstands + cartwheels...

Wilson's Prom actually has the most gorgeous beach. I didn't appreciate it back in Year 8 with the horrible weather, but wow. The sand is so soft it feels like powder between your toes; the sky is in its full glory every second of the day (be it sunrise, sunset, rainy or cloudless noon); the ocean is just the bluest blue; the waves are the perfect height for attempting body surfing...

I was um. educated in the area of relationships and alcohol? LOL. Tried my first shot of raspberry vodka. Flo was like "Don't think. Just drink." And me, being the supposedly "impressionable" (ugh. wish I wasn't), did it. It went down my throat too fast to actually taste it. But what follows is a blooming warmth that spreads itself through your chest. It feels like scalding liquid that's subdued so it doesn't hurt but you feel the burn? Or a little flame burning inside you. lol idk. Lightheadedness ensued. And apparently I was talking slower and my eyes were dull and alert at the same time. Other than slight dizziness, I don't think I felt thaaat different. It wore off within like. 30 minutes? Not actually a big deal.

Boys are silly and gutless. Okay that was harsh. I think our expectations have just been pushed too high. Guys in real life aren't like those we see in books and movies and fairytales. At least, I haven't met one just yet. They aren't willing to go all out to chase you if they like you. If it's inconvenient for them, that's it. Missed opportunity.

Our family is so very quirky. Oh the heart wrenching stories and fascinatingly wide range of completely different personalities we have.

I definitely got to know them much better. Kind of love 'em all.
Erica

I got 3 shades (or more) shades tanner. D:

Positively Busy-ing

I. do not. like. organising things.

They never seem to work. People get sick, don't check facebook, are busy, have tuition... But anyway, I was determined to go to the beach to play soccer, regardless of who could or couldn't come. So I did. Tuesday. It ended up being just Chris, other Chris, Phil, Dong, Nicole, Kendrick, Martyn and me. We only played about 10 minutes of soccer (I know, disgraceful), made a sand turtle, fish and wall/crocodile. Being the genius I am, I didn't bring my bathers. Ha. Had to borrow Nicole's towel, Chris' spare board shorts and my top. My thought process? It's hot. Don't particularly want to third wheel with the couple. Everyone else is swimming. Stuff it. Yolo? I dried off fairly quickly, thank goodness. Was I out of my comfort zone? Yes. Regrets? That I forgot my flipping bathers. OH funny thing. All of us were squished on a bench eating sushi, when this little Caucasian girl with humongous eyes stared at us as she walked past. There's was something hilarious about her stunned? curious? expression. I couldn't stop laughing.

Baking day at Neha's. Teeeheee. We made lots and lots and lots and lots of food. Jelly, 3 types of cheesecake (raspberry, mango, oreo) and danish (apricot, choc banana, pb banana, choc, custard). Danish is insanely difficult, especially because it was a hooot day and the butter was melting everywhere. Ew. Fun though. I like Neh and Trace. They're a down-to-earthy and chill sort of people who are just easy to be with.

Spent Friday morning unpacking books. There's something special about old books with yellowed pages and folded edges. Bhaha. And I found the collection of stories I used to write when I was younger. The stories were.. simple and childish. But there was an honest quality to them; written down not to please or impress anyone, but because I felt like it. I think that's what I miss most about childhood ignorance innocence. Went shopping with Jackie at Chaddie in the afternoon. I unleashed my inner girliness. LOL.

Keeping busy,
Me

People

OOOH.

Borrowed Hayden's Perk's of Being a Wallflower for the span of second service. He makes interesting conversation. Different. Honestly, I felt... slightly inadequate and very unwise. But I like his frankness and he's actually an extremely nice kind person. Or appears to be. I haven't been a very good judge of character lately.

Before I forget, I do want to mention dinner with the Roar gang. Is it weird that I sometimes enjoy the company of people much older or much younger more than that of people my age?

Anywho, Kenneth, Kim, Josh, Mark, Emily, Jasmine and Shehan. We're an odd bunch. Ages ranging from 14 (i think?) to 30. But I liked talking to say, Kenneth. He makes a good friend because he's has more experience hence gives good advice and is insightful, while not so old as to become one of the "uncles".

Bad thing is they're so nice and pay for everything and therefore I end up eating a lot. Badbadbad. Schnitz for dinner followed by 3 cakes at The Coffee Club. No one seemed to be eating very much so I gobbled up a big portion of cake. EEEK. Been eating to much sugar.

So yeah,.
Erica

Relishing in the Now

Do excuse this sudden influx of posts.

I suddenly have lots to record. It's possibly because I've been unpacking and finding little pieces of my childhood and getting excited whenever I see something I wrote or drew. So here's me writing to potentially give my future self a smile. :P

It's the beginning of the end. We had our last last day of school. Oh dear. I can't believe that we'll be in Year 12 next year when I can so distinctly remember Year 7. I don't feel mature, experienced, wise enough to be so old. High school is flashing by so fast. I feel like I'm grasping the strings of time, trying to hold it down but it's silky string so it's slipping through my fingers. Sigh. Live in the moment. Enjoy right now else it'll be over and I'll have missed it.

Anywho, Patchwork was given out, a mini crane was made by a bored me while service awards were awarded, photo powerpoints and a reflection of 2012 presented by Ms Watkins, Social Work Committee announced (I promise to be wholeheartedly involved because it is something I care about), an extremely korean dance sesh with 11T and reports! Just the usual class-free day at PLC.

Then.. dun dun dun! Tracy, Vic, Isabel, Neha and I went to watch The Perks of Being a Wallflower. And cue life changing music. Heee. It was jam-packed with every emotion and had soul stuffed in every corner. Heart-wrenching, heart-warming and heart-breaking. Charlie was such an endearing character and Sam (Emma Watson!) was her usual charming, animated self. The stories were so relatable and encompassed the sufferings and joys of teenagehood. Proof? I never cry in movies, never ever (except once in My Sister's Keeper), but in Perks, the tears just wouldn't stop. It wasn't sad, exactly; more like I felt the character's feelings in my very core. Odd, right? I wasn't even sleep deprived or pms-ing. Bhaha. I need to watch it again. It's actually my new favourite movie.

"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."
Me.

Complicated

So,

I went to Evelyn's party on Tuesday. Lots of random, drunk Melbourne High guys. Go figure. I hung around with familiar faces and had a better time than I had expected. Had a sip of Mimosa? It was green, tasted and looked like detergent with a whole lot of sugar. Cloud gazing (no stars), comforting (attempting to comfort) Nathaniel who just broke up with his girlfriend, stealing Dong's cake, dancing, taking photos with Lily and Deb, sitting on couches and trampolines...

Oh yeah, Ben got super drunk and slept on me whilst rambling about random things. Apparently he forgot everything. Cool.

If I'm completely honest, I was annoyed. Maybe it's because I don't have a whole lot of experience with guys (going to a girls' school and all), but I didn't think you do that unless you felt something. It leads them on, doesn't it? But apparently that's what people do when they're drunk. Note to self: Don't fall for a player. Meh. Temporary lapse in judgement. I was being silly.

Besides, I got lots more embarrassing stories out of him. We're cool now. Still good friends. :) Another thing I don't understand. He keeps saying he feels guilty. Why though? It's supposedly normal for friends to get all touchy and huggy with friends when drunk, right? So why the guilt? Whyyyyy?

Man, I don't get it. Why must life be so complicated? I wish everyone was just completely forward and stopped playing games. Because then you can't differentiate what's a game and what's life. I admit, I'm guilty too. But it's a defence mechanism, you box up and hide away the most vulnerable part of yourself, protecting it with feigned cheeriness or nonchalance. I just wish it were otherwise.

Anyway, the Epic party was fun. I so wanted to play soccer but no one I knew there to shared my love for it. Listened to Mish and Hayden sing live. Watched and took bad phone photos of (Priella's fault) a beautiful sunset, from blue to radiant gold, to orange, to pink, to dark blue. Sat on the ground talking and completely not watching the movie (Ben's fault). Helped pack up. Went to Macca's. Brendan drove us home in the van. He drives like a maniac. Didn't get home till 1.30am ish. Mum stayed up for me. Sigh. It would've been fine if they just left the keys outside and let me let myself in.

Interesting week,
Erica

Striving for Unachievable Perfection

In this world,

You can't be too nice or too mean. Too skinny or too fat. Too loud or too quiet. Too outgoing or too shy. Too childish or too mature. Too lazy or too hard-working. Too funny or too serious. Too original or too mainstream.

You can't smile too much, laugh too much, frown too much or cry too much.You can't even be perfectly between both because then you're considered boring. So the only thing you can really be is, well, yourself, whoever that may be. "It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else." Because people are silly and expect everyone to be perfect because (even though?) they aren't themselves.

If everyone's perfect, then no one is. So if no one's perfect, everyone is. Everyone is perfect. Perfection is the combination of your qualities and flaws because these make the perfect you. But society pokes and prods, stretches and squishes you into become something else; creating a big mess of people trying, trying, trying to be more interesting, more popular, more "indie", less generic, less nerdy or whatever else. All they needed to do was just be.

Then they'd find the right people, belong and be happy.

Sincerely,
Me

What happens at non-school

Yesterday,

Was a day of note. 'Twas the first day I wagged a whole day of school. Oh such a rebel am I. Bahhaa. Although, is it really considered wagging if your parents know and agreed? I don't know what I did to deserve such cool parents. :P But yes, I skipped/ponteng-ed to go to China Bar for lunch for Calistha's birthday. Daniel plus one-d me because I've always wanted to go eat there. Viv and Isabel have been all "as if you've never been to China Bar." But dude, it actually wasn't all that great. The only perks were the chicken pie, egg tarts and many desserts. I still have way to much sugar in my system. Heeeeeeee.

It was an... interesting experience. Haha. Ben was telling me how WCC kids liked girls from outside of school and they became the centre of attention for a while. He was like "take advantage of it and get him to buy you stuff. And act dumb." Ha. No thanks. It was so silly though. William (first impression: confident, easy to talk to, social butterfly with lots of girl friends) kept trying to get me to talk to Daniel. The whole thing made me want to roll my eyes and sigh at the silliness of it. People don't seem to understand the concept of 'just friends'. Meh. At least I had Chris, Dong, Melody, Ben and Kim to avoid what could have been extremely awkward. And I hate awkward moments. OH made a new Malaysian friend, Andrew, who captured a blackmail-worthy photo of me. Damn.

And what is it with the world and not liking people because they're too nice?!

Then we went to watch Skyfall. Honestly, the movie had no wow factor. It was rather average. But I did like the great big explosions and mushroom fires at the end. :)

Oh. my. gosh. Watching Community Season 2 Episode 14 and I feel like flipping punching Pierce in the face. And whacking him with a baseball bat. Freaking heartless jerk. UGH.

Anywho,
Me.

Keeping up Appearances

Okay.

Who am I kidding? I'm just as shallow as the next person. I wish I was one of those rarities that don't care about keeping up outer appearances. Those amazing people that genuinely judge a person's worth by who they are. These are also the ones who feel completely comfortable in their own skin, no matter what type it may be. sogjsdofaposfaipfhsdgreioguef. Instead, I wish I was prettier, without my flat nose, disproportionate body, annoying chin, non-luscious hair, stubby fingers and so on. No wait. I wish I was the type of person that didn't give a damn.

Oh and what's the point of maintaining the 'nice' act when I'm actually real mean, selfish, stingy, inflexible, harsh, jealous, calculative, manipulative... I think you get the picture.

An example? I want something purely because someone else has it. I want something that I know won't happen. I want it in spite of the fact that it involves a road of hurt. What is wrong with me? Or is it just in human nature to want what we can't have?

Well. At least my brain is stopping me from acting stupidly in pursuit of such senseless wants.

Although sometimes I do wish I was more impulsive. Heh. Then more things happen. Drama is rather fun if you somehow emotionally distance yourself from the fascinating scenes that unfold. Ha. Like that's possible.

Meh,
Me

PS: An ingenious tumblr quote: "Great minds like a think." Hee. Person who came up with that is witty.

Mean over Nice

I've been thinking,

I think I like mean people better. It's sounds weird, but think about it. With mean people, you know they're going to be mean. You harden your heart and prepare yourself. So you don't get offended or hurt. Because you're expecting it. And when they do something nice, it's a pleasant surprise. Because you know that they are putting effort into the relationship. They're going against their nature to be thoughtful, considerate, comforting for you. That's when you know they really care.

On the other hand, you never know with nice people. They'll be oh-so friendly one moment, but then before you realize it, they're gone and there's this empty space left behind. They aren't ever mean. But the feeling of their abrupt absence in your life is like losing a favourite pen; silly, irrational but frustrating. It creates an inconsequential gap between periods of time, a hole in your thoughts, a drop in the daily number of smiles. Sure, you can live without them just fine. But there's a niggling sense that something slipped away.

Over time, you move on. You forget. You get used to it. You find other things to do, to think about, to smile at. But once in a while, you miss it. That extra little thing that made your life the slightest bit happier.

Plus with nice people, they're nice to everyone. So really, what makes you so special? Nothing. You're just another one of many. Oh and with nice people, if they aren't nice to you, the indifference feels equally as bad as, (or worse than) if a mean person was being mean.

If a mean person's mean to you, it's nothing personal. That's just who they are.

Food for thought. ha.
Erica

PS: I should try being mean sometime. Not that I'm all that nice anyway. But yeah. lol.

Numerical Freedom

And so,

It's overrrrr. TEEHEE. It was horrible, by the way. Especially Paper 2, which had 5 questions (when there are usually 4), was time-pressingly, mind-stressingly HARD. And I couldn't answer some big 4 mark question. Sigh.

So immediately following the exam, I felt weird. I was devastated because of how badly it had gone and yet, there was this urge to burst into maniacal giggle fits. I wasn't between tears and laughter, more like I was leaping from one extreme to the other; crying one second and laughing the next. And back again. It was bizarre. I imagine I would've looked like a rather odd sight; with my eyebrows furrowed and my lips pulled in a wide, toothy grin.

So what if I'm expecting a 35? It's not the end of the world, right? I'll just find a dentist husband (who's thoughtful, like-minded, understanding etcetc of course) and who needs a flipping high 40? I'm still on a high because I'm methods freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Which is probably why I'm so optimistic and cheery.

Yesterday, even though I had an English and Chem exam, there was still this sense of elation. I didn't care. It just didn't feel important. Sure I wasn't as prepared because I couldn't bring myself to do much study after Paper 2, BUT I wasn't stressed at all. It was kinda fun, quoting Macbeth quotes with all my friends and cramming last minute chem questions. Oh and I came up with the most ingenious phrase when I was in the "english" zone. Here it goes...

"I'm winging my exam, so that I can pass it with flying colours."

ahhahahhaa. Yes. Everyone was laughing and eye-rolling at my lameness. But I did feel quite witty. If I do say so myself. I think I thrive on non-maths. I'm a less snappy, more friendly, generally much more pleasant person to be with.

OH I'm gonna do shout outs to an imaginary audience. Because I do things like that. heh.

To Isabel:
Wishing you all the luck and intelligence and knowledge and statistics and analyticalness of the world for your Geography exam next Friday. You'll do fine. Don't stress. But on the extreme unlikelihood that you don't do well (which you won't (not do well, that is)), it's not the end of the world. It really isn't. I'm living, breathing proof. :)

To Vicky:
Dude. I don't even need to wish you good luck for music because you're so musically talented. Honestly. But yes, you shall do wonderfully in your music exam. If you don't, then the examiner clearly has to eye for musicalness. :P

To Jessie:
Jia you for Chink! Not that you need it either because you really are Chinese through and through. Plus you have worked awfully hard for it. I'm glad I'm not doing it because I'd have to compete with you. haha.

To Viv:
You aren't even doing any 3/4... pssh. so not fair. BUT yes I press my thumb down to you for all your Year 11 exams, especially for French on Friday because both of us haven't learnt very much French this year, have we? ><

Savouring the gleefulness while it lasts,
Erica

METHODS EXAM D:

Right.

In three days, I'll be sitting my methods 3&4 exam. Oh gosh. I know it's not the end of the world if I don't do well, but it'll feel like such a huge complete waste of all that time spent on studying and studying and studying. I know I haven't done as much as some, but still. And everyone seems to think I'm smarter, more hard-working, more disciplined than I actually am.

sigfspodghspiifgoaka. I feel like I'm getting worse with each paper.

STOP. Okay. Stopping with the negativeness. I'll jinx it. lol.

But yes, here's to the me after sitting for Paper 1 and 2 of the exam. Have some perspective. Don't get depressed even if you do horribly.

Oh who am I kidding. I'm going to be so very extremely upset if I don't get above a 40. But I don't know if I'm even capable of a 35. Gah. You get so much contradicting information, you really don't know what to expect. Well whatever score I get, I'll have tried my best. Because it isn't mentally possible (for me anyway) to do any more than I have. I think Or I'll turn my brain into complete mush and stress even more and have everything fly out of my head during the actual exam.

STOP. Gosh. I really am going to jinx myself.

But it's going to be awfully embarrassing if I do really badly when everyone thinks I'm going to pass with flying colours.

Sigh. Everyone should just not have any expectations. Myself included.

Keep calm and don't panic.
Hah. Sure.
Erica

Drum beats of the heart

I woke up with an implacable feeling.

It had the vagueness of watercolours, melded together in a almost-but-not-quite-ugly blend of hues. No, not necessarily a negative emotion; not sadness but rather melancholic. And yet there was a tinge of contentment.

Eyes still closed, hand subconsciously lifted and placed onto chest. Amongst the muffled lub-dubs of the heart, it hit me.This apple-sized organ and its constant, steady pulse was single-handedly keeping my entire being, well, being. If it stopped, even for a moment, I would cease to be.  This disconcerting realization brought about a flutter of an almost-fear of dying coupled with a sudden burst of aliveness.

Breathe in. Body stirs. I'm alive. Living, not dead.

Dear heart,
thanks for beating.

Sentimentality

You know,

I kind of love my friends. Haha. Idk. Each of them are so very uniquely special. We're such an odd collection of personalities; opposites in some aspects and twins in others. They've become a part of me, and who I am. I'm pretty sure I'd be a very different person if I hadn't met any one of them. Our likes and dislikes, belief and value systems are so different. Sure, once in a while I might wish I had people around me who shared my thoughts and understood some of where I'm coming from, but no. I wouldn't change them for the world. We have such stimulating, hilarious, thoughtful, ridiculous conversations. Besides, they challenge me to think for myself and force me to find a solid basis for my beliefs because they'll attack *ehem* gently question any vulnerable areas of my logic. Heated discussions or friendly debates are enjoyable once you learn not to get easily offended. Besides, it's a fair trade. I listen to their opinion and they listen (mostly-ish) to mine. ahha. Not that I think I'll ever be able convince them of anything... They are rather stubborn strong-minded. :P Lovely, interesting, passionate, caring people, you know who you are. And I'd just like to say a thank you, for being you and letting me be me. 

Ha. Oh gosh. Sentimental overload. 

So this lunchtime, we spent, sorry, I meant they spent, invading my privacy and reading through all my texts and going through my contact list and skype messages and laughing at my fascinating conversations. Just because I wanted to share my um. happiness when I found out I got my. ehem. period. LOL. okay. I think I just broke some kind of taboo about not saying that word on the internet. Oh well. But yeah. Idk what I was so happy about, it's kinda really gross. -.- Oh and they pretended to be me when talking to Trevor, Isabel's friend. Entertaining. ahha

"me":

 it's erica now

i'm a lesbian

but for you it's an exception

babe

boa bei

bao

Trevor:

Erica was totally hacked.

"me":

Omg I don't want us to end. Plz talk to me. i'm desperate. D:

Trevor:

I'm gay...

:/

Enough said

I think you should return Erica' phone.

Hahhaa.

Aren't my friends the most creative people in the world?

Yes. I'm very lucky. I don't know what I ever did to deserve so much. Not just my own friendship group, but quirky siblings and not-overly-pressurizing parents, a fantastic education, church friends. 

Why so sentimental? D:

Me

To fall in love.

Precious darling, most dear.

You who truly understands me, who knows of my deepest desires and my assortment of flaws.
You who can read my mind, my mannerisms, my smile.

We'd share our fears and doubts and insecurities. All dissipate under a blanket of comforting lullabies. We sing till we're soothed to a contented sleep.

Gravity, I need you here to ground me; else I'll become no more than intangible fragments of characters in a film.
Air, I need you here to refresh me; else I'll suffocate.
Sight, I need you here to bring things into focus. A life in blur really shouldn't be considered life at all.

In scalding heat when the sun turns it's fiercest gaze onto earth; or in chilly darkness when the world is plunged in eerie silence, I'll call you and we'll talk de tout et de rien. Of everything and nothing. And the ticktocks of the clock will cease for we will be captivated, saturated in each other. in love.

My person.

With you, I'm at untarnished ease.

So where are you?

Ohh gosh. I ought to stop watching romantic movies. D:

Priorities. Priorities. Priorities.

Priorities.

Priorities priorities priorities. Mine. are. everywhere. Changing at every whim or fancy; as variable as my hormone driven, not to mention completely unstable mood swings. They rely way too much on the forever changing circumstances of my life, kind of like the sky (get it? foreverchangingskies? LOL. okay. stop being lame). Say I felt extra lonely, then my fears of becoming a sad, old lady, alone in some retirement home take over. As ridiculous and silly as it is, my priority becomes "go talk to boys. need boyfriend. fall in love NOW." Bahhah. Or another day it could be "studystudystudy. get job. live long and prosper. (star trek quote) because no study = fail VCE = failure at life." No, I know that's nowhere near the truth, but sometimes, my irrational asian brain takes over. And on better days it's 'make people smile. be kind. look out for people who need a friend. help people."

So yes. It's far too iffy. I need to be grounded, to focus and have a purpose. Write a priority list. Uh. How do I go about this?

1. i can't think of anything.
2. this is silly. pointless. blah. gah. idgjspogsopdgsopdgsdkgf

Mind blank. Great.

Okay. I think my mind is to exhausted to conjure up anything even minutely reasonably meaningful. Lol. Let's stick with trying to follow this goal.

I want to significantly change someone's (or multiple people's if possible) life/lives. (For the better, clearly. I think that goes without saying. But just to clarify, yeah I meant for the better. durh.)

This will involve... Being kind, friendly, generous, thoughtful, considerate to everybody. :D No I am not turning myself into someone I'm not, thankyouverymuch, I am merely trying to bring out the best in me. Besides, I like myself much better when I'm nice to people. So doesn't that mean that that's when I'm more me?

Right. This just became one of those posts that make no sense whatsoever. Like when you splat an egg on the floor and it's a mess of broken eggshells, runny yolk and gooey eggwhite.

Oh and I learnt how to speak in tongues. It's interesting how I wasn't sleep deprived and it wasn't one of those days when my blood is pumping faster and I'm more daring than usual. I was completely aware of what I was doing. And oddly enough, I didn't care what people thought. It just felt like the right thing to do at that moment.

Sounding slightly crazed,
Me.

Youth Alive!

Hm.

WE had lifegroup of Friday at Kim's house and iced chocolate cake to celebrate Steph's birthday! I was tired to the point that I became excessively energetic and jumped around the house. Perhaps it was the sugar. Heh. But yeah, charcoal chicken and pizza for dinner with Mish. OH and we kind of made watched Kim make macarons. It takes a whole lotta skill. OH and the best bit! We made fondant animals! They were adorable! I made a pig. Kim made a panda and an octopus. Mish made the most perfect cow and Steph made CHICKENS. Oh and I met Holly the vegan who's cool but thought I was in Uni. D: D: I don't look that old, do I? DDDD:

And then Saturday! Took the bus with Junyi to the city for Youth Alive. It was superduper fun. We wandered around the Melbourne Convention Centre looking for food at first. Buut we realized we were too poor to afford anything. So sandwich for dinner it was.. Josh was like 'Dude. I can eat like 2 loaves of bread in a day.' And I was like, 'Dude, this is temporary to keep me from starving. I'll get more food later.' Okay. Not exactly in those words, but meh. OH and omgsh they gave out free red bull! Eugena had 4. O.O I had one and I was already feeling the effects. Well, not really.. But Phil said I was talking super fast and Tiana said I looked high. :S Idk. I'd describe the feeling as restlessness and an urge to head bob to any music within the area.

Youth Alive was like a concert. We got moshpit tickets! Omgsh I just loved it, getting lost in the music, being completely carefree in that moment when you're jumping and dancing. No one's watching and there's this worry-free exhilaration. Then a band called Evermore? came up and I just kept watching the drummer because he had this intense expression and was so enthusiastic about what he was doing. Oh and the guys kept pushing each other around. And a couple of them jumped on Ben's shoulders. LOL. It was rather entertaining. Except when the stepped on your feet. By accident. Okay. I didn't mind thaat much. But yeah, it was great because they drained you of all your energy, then got to the serious part with worship and a message. Funny because it was about free-falling and stepping out in faith for God to be able to do something in your life.It was dark and it felt good to praise God without feeling self-conscious. Although I really ought to do be able to do that without the whole atmosphere. I gotta learn to stop caring what people think and just BE MYSELF. Although that's still a little hard seeing as I still don't know what myself is...

Anywho, realized I didn't have a ride home because my parent's were in the City eating dinner with Junyi's parents. LOL. So Mish took us to McDonald's where I attempted (and failed) to chuck a McBite into my mouth. I was starving by then. Omnomnom fooood.

I see why people get addicted to caffeine, especially when it's concentrated in this singe can of sugary sweet liquid. It makes you act without thinking as much. Good for me because I think too much? Perhaps.

Wonder what getting drunk feels like... Teehee.
Erica

Fully Occupied

TERM 3 HOOLIDAYS.

Yes, I think I've mentioned that. Anyway the first week was insane. It was literally 24/7 busybusybusy-ness.  I had Patchwork from 9am-3pm Monday to Friday. Which wasn't as bad as it sounds. For one, we had snack duty and some people brought reallly yummy stuffs (MUFFINS, cookies, cinnamon rolls, fruit...). Plus I got to read people's creative writing pieces and Lily's hilariously cynical comments. The moment I came home each, I plonked myself on my study desk and did a Methods trial exam paper. Dear brain, I apologize for the pain I'm putting you through. It's... good for you? O.o

Wednesday was Jessie's birthday! Whooo. It's kinda great having friends that you've known for so long. We're just so used to each other and our company. It's just comfortable. :) We played cards, baked chocolate souffle/pudding/cake/brownie, sang our hearts out at singstar, ate baozi for dinner, learnt (and recorded ourselves learning) Gangnam style and played murder in the dark. It really speeds up your heart rate when you're in total darkness and could potentially be killed at any moment. Apparently I give out a murdering vibe when I'm murderer, hence I don't make a very good one. Huh and I thought I was good at concealing my latent intent. Guess not. lol. Only con was that I had to wake up early on Thursday to go to the city because I volunteered to help out at a fundraising event for the Hamlein Fistula Hospital in Ethiopia. Yay. :/

Had to dress in black. Every item of clothing I wore was borrowed from Mum. LOL. I don't like wearing so much black. Makes me feel old, and like I'm going to a funeral. D: But it was quite inspiring. She's 78, I think? And she still works 6 days and does a fistula surgery each week.

Patchwork finished early Friday because we're oh-so efficient. Bec, Vivian and I decided last minute to go to the Glen to get Chatime. Ohmygosh it's amazing. The grass jelly was all velvety. mmmm. And I found fellow friends who understand me when I say things like ba pao and ba kut teh and zang. :)

Hardly had time to breathe,
Erica

Letter to myself

Ohmygoodness.

So it's holidays and I'm taking a few moments to not do work. And I decided to flick back and scan through old blog posts in 2009. Oh dear. I am absolutely appalled at how... complainey/whiney + insecure I sound.

-shudders-

I really need to get over myself. Way too self-absorbed. I made quasiment (practically) a gazillion posts where all I did was feel sorry for myself and whinge. I hate it when people whinge. sgdnsoidgjpsodjgosdferfaw. Please, please tell me I'm not like that anymore. D:

SEE EVEN NOW I'M TALKING ABOUT ME. MEMEMEMEME. ALWAYS ME. STOP RIGHT NOW.

Think of everyone else. Think of the girl who was manipulated into prostitution and doesn't even own her own body; think of the family who's starving; think of the lonely boy who's an amazing person but is too shy to show it. Think of them and DO SOMETHING. Donate, raise awareness, do a random act of kindness.

I, Erica Tan Lee Hsia, vow to be less me-minded and devote 80%-90% (prefereably 90%) of my thoughts to making other people's lives better. 

The other 5% can be for basic necessities like "Stop blogging and go do another trial exam paper."

Only the last 5% can you leave for self-reflection. And this is ONLY to improve your character. Yes? Deal? Okay? Good.

Heading towards a new and improved Erica. :D

Wow. that was an extremely dodgy post.
But I mean it!
Sane-ish,
TimTan

Who am I?

I wish.

I wish I could step out of myself and into someone else to see me through their eyes, their opinions, their expectations. Then, only then would I truly know what I am doing. I think. I need to know if I still come across as the childish, innocent girl; or the insecure second child who's invisible as much as she wants to be otherwise; or a genuinely friendly person who's fun to be with (HAH. I wish); or the crazy always-too-hyper one; or the girl who talks like a baby around guys (credits to tumblr. Heh); or the 'look at me! look at me!' spotlight wannabe; or shallow; or too complicated and deeply troubled (LOL); or always cheery; or sensitive; or easily annoyed; or the overt Christian girl etc etc. Wow. STOP. I could go one forever. And why do I need to know how other people see me? Idk. For reassurance? That I'm not some outcast always feeling a fake sense of belonging? Maybe.

On the other hand, I'm just past caring. I'm me and if that doesn't happen to be someone who people enjoy being around, then well. It's their loss, I guess.

How is it that I care so much yet not at all? Okay. If I'm compleeetely honest, I care too much too much of the time. Not that I show it. I hope. Gah.

Following along these lines, people are always telling you to be yourself, not to change or try becoming something you're not. But what is yourself? What makes you, you and me, me? Is it how we act around other people? What we say? How we express how we feel? All these are so very immeasurable. I mean, how does one know what another would do in a given circumstance? There are infinite factors affecting someone's actions: their current emotions, state of mind, recent events, burdens... So who can ever say what you're doing isn't you? You have infinitely many different ways of reacting to a situation according to your state of being at that moment in time. Why is one reaction 'supposedly' the real you? A girl can flick from being animated and outgoing to shy introversion with the passing of a thought or a misunderstood word.

Okay. All that beating around the bush and long-winded ramblings come down to the big question that's asked a gazillion times a day. Who am I?

Unfortunately, right now. I have no clue.
In search of herself,
Erica

Boy Trouble? LOL. no, not really.

So,

Ignoring my fatigue, I decided to go to watch "Life of Bliss" on Friday night. It was a WCC production and was so extremely sad. It was a combination of three different, rather inspiring, life stories based on real people. I actually teared up at one point, which is, if you know me, VERY rare. Then again, I always am more a lot more cry-able when I'm lacking sleep. Oh another thing, I went with Kim and Ben and Steph and Mish and Ivan. Which is why I can't for the world understand why people keep teasing me about Ben. Honestly, I think I'd know if someone liked me, unless I'm missing this 'sixth sense' that Daniel and Jessie tell me about. But no. My instincts say just friends. Good. Because in spite of all the 'I want to come first for someone for once' and 'I want to fall in love's, I don't think I'm emotionally prepared? To be honest, I just don't like thinking about it. Too much pain, potential hurt and insecurities for my awkward-around-boy-minded brain. Sigh. I'll just revert to my motto, if it's meant to happen, it'll happen. :) But I keep getting this nagging feeling that if I don't do anything, I'll just stay alone forever.

Then on Saturday, it was Christina's birthday lunch at Noodle Kingdom. I had to leave early to get to Alliance Francaise! I was a finalist again. Heh. Thanks to 5 amazing weeks with the Meignen's. Stepped into the room and although I spoke relatively basic French (didn't use much subjunctive or pronouns or colloquialisms); I thoroughly enjoyed myself. French seems to be the one thing I am genuinely extremely passionate about right now. J'aime bien parler en français à la folie! I just love it; the language, the people, the culture, the FOOD. :P 

Then we rushed to church. Our row on the top left balcony has grown immensely. I think it's all the WCC kids who crashed and just filled it up. I hadn't heard a sermon for aaages because of Roar, and this time it was about the Holy Spirit. Someone I don't call upon often enough, seeing as he's supposedly the closest to me and would be able to help me the most. :S After church, dad & mum hung around forever. So I was stuck talking to Phillip. Apparently he's a real um. What's the word? "Ladies man"? O.O Idk. To me, he just seems like a really nice guy. But after all I've heard, I felt like I was being played, a little; like the whole 'nice guy' thing was a strategy. I'm supposed to take people at face value, and at face value, he was just a nice person! 

I need to stop listening to what people say about other people. It's not a very good practice...
Erica

Year 11 Camp

Wouldn't you know?

Year 11 Camp got postponed. We rocked up on Wednesday, fought through Period 1-4, aaaaand were told at lunchtime that Period 5-6 were happening because 140km/h winds blew trees down and the main road to Rawson Village was blocked. Ouch. So we lugged ourselves home and back on Thursday morning at 7.30am to get on the bus for a one night stay. I read Scream 1-4 plot summaries with Joyee on the bus. Heh. Arrived only to find out that I couldn't room with Viv and Isabel. I reckon I could have started crying. I know. How immature. But I just felt this bubbling rage and frustration and just utter disappointment. Furthermore, there was a power outage, so we ate dinner in the dark, blindly shovelling food into our tummies.

Yes, doesn't sound like a great camp does it? But it wasn't as bad. We had two Initiative activities where we played games that tried to get us to think out of the box. Like trying to fit 24 people on a little wooden square. And we had bushwalking, where I got a lovely long cut on my calf. I did get to talk to Wen Ping and teach Zee a little french. :) Then aerobics with Mrs Speedy. Oh. My. Goodness. It was exhausting. An hour of non-stop jumping and flailing arms. I was literally trembling with fatigue by the end. Luckily they ended it with a session with Mrs Friend; in which we just laid down and slept to soothing music and a voice that kind of melted into the background. We listened to Sonya talk about 'safe partying' that night. Honestly speaking, she was a really good public speaker. She could make us laugh and cry while getting the point across.

Attempted to dance Gangnam style in Viv's room while munching on shapes and Teddy Bears. :D Biked around the lake on Friday. OH and the PLC's top role model activity. Our team won with Ms Give it your best shot! I was somehow made coordinator. Me, with my lack of leadership abilities. LOL. Not that I did much. But it was fun. :) The bus ride home with Isabel was fun. Idk. I like talking to her. It's... grounding? Idk. I like the things we talk about. They just feel worth talking about, you know? Even if it is random opinions about music.

Rather pleasant.
It was an averted potential disaster.
Erica

Middle-child Syndrome

What's new?

Okay. More like what was new.

I.. went door-knocking with Ben last weekend to get more sponsors for the 40 hour famine. To sum it up, 2 hours of walking in the cold, 5 second drizzle of rain, lots of rejections, kind old people, A KID FROM ROAR OPENING THE DOOR (small world much?), a borrowed scarf (thanks ben, reckon I'd have frozen without it) and defrosting at McDonald's to end it. Raised $50ish between us. Not quite superheroes but hopefully it'll make a difference somewhere a million miles away.

Gala Concert at Melbourne Townhall on Monday. Went to Jessie's after morning rehearsals (one word: yawn). We had a great big Naruto watching sesh. And Viv taught me the Gangnam style dance move. O.o
Oh on the night, Crystal and I sneaked out during interval to sprint across the street to 7/11. Heh. She bought a slurpee and a Bueno for me. People are so nice. I ought to be nicer. :/ But yes, we felt like rebels.

Joyee's moving to Texas. D: We had a going away party for her and Meher compiled the sweetest goodbye video. Cynthia made a scrapbook. I can't begin to imagine having to move to a different country at this stage in life. Hope Joyee's coping okay.

I had dinner at Hog's breath with Roar team to celebrate Eugena doing her first message. It is so very admirable to be able to stand up and talk about God in front of a whole group of Grade 6ers. Anyway, it was interesting going out with uni/working people. The conversations they have are different, but rather stimulating, I guess. Plus, they are extremely nice. I didn't have to pay for dinner OR dessert. Note to future self: Be nice to young high school kids and pay for their food. They'll be eternally grateful. :P

Oh and apparently it was evident to Kenneth that I was the middle child.spdogjsopajgspogpodjg.  Something about being in the shadows, invisible because we're the 'neglected ones'. No, I'm not complaining. My parents pay me all the attention I need. But I guess we just have a tendency to blend, fit in, be a face in a crowd of faces. Ugh. What. Is. This. I've been trying my whole life to climb out of this hole of shyness, so people might get to know who I am, and maybe like me for me. Because you can't like someone you don't know. It seems like I have yet break out of this shell of middle-child-ness. Am I doomed to a life of being forever hidden behind the glaring spotlight of the more confident, outspoken, charismatic first childs?

Well that was pessimistic,
Melodramatic me.

On the bright side, Kim did say she disagreed. And that she thought I had leadership qualities. :) LOL. Idk man.

Innocent as a Tissue

This is from my memory. Do not quote me on this. It might not be exactly what was said. It's a recount of one of our many odd conversations when walking from our lockers to Parer Street.

Isabel: You're as innocent as a tissue.

Me: Pfffsh. Tissues aren't innocent. They get blown on. (thinking of when people sneeze)

...

Me: AOJFSOPFJOPDGIPODGJPDJGPAOSDKFF. POOF. OMGSH. I did not mean it that way.

-mixture of laughter and disbelief between the two of us-

A Bunch of Happenings

Alrighty,

An update on the past month or so because I've been lazy/busy/forgetful. They aren't in any particular order.

Bio camp! At Kangaroobie. It was Jessie, Vicky and I and me. Which left me bus buddy-less, BUT I have learnt not to let petty, silly things like that get me down. Because it really is just stupid. Besides, I had quite stimulating conversations with Kayal, Meher and Niru. Bio camp was pretty much looking at plants. and more plants. and more plants. and filling booklets. and more booklets. and more booklets. BUT they fed us well. :) The highlights would be visiting the cows and 2 day old piglets. We were put into this cage? attached to a car and got driven to the farm area. It. Was. Freezing. And it honestly felt as if the wind would blow my face off. But it was worth it. Oooh and Melba Gully was a reaaally pretty rainforest. The air was just so perfectly fresh. I reckon it could be some kind of drug. I was literally inhaling as much as I could in every breath.

I did the 40 hour famine again! This time I did speech AND furniture. It just so happened that they were having a free dessert bar a Epic Super Central on that very Friday. So, I bribed Isabel and Sumin with the free food to come as my translators. (Idk. I just really wanted them to come. O.o) I'm hoping they didn't have too unbearable a time. I don't have much of an idea of what they thought, seeing as I couldn't ask on the night... And it's not like they're going to say it was horrible in case it would offend me.

>>Dear Isabel, as frank and honest and blunt as you are, you do actually consider other people's feelings. Sorry to burst your bubble, but you aren't as mean/evil as you think you are. I think. ><

Mm. Church on Saturday was okay. Dong silently accompanied me on the floor. He did the same as me. And then after, Gareth kept on poking me. I was actually this close to exploding and telling him to STOP. It wasn't annoying. More liiike... Frustrating because I couldn't say anything. Haha.

Sunday was Melb Uni Open Day. Dong, Ben, Kendrick, Nicole, Colin, Phillip, Ryan, Chris, Kevin, Martyn all rocked up at the train station. Come to think of it, we were actually a pretty big group. O.o I gained nothing from the day. LOL. Except a free water bottle, some brochures and a bag. We went ALL the way to Docklands for lunch. I don't even know why... It was only when I got home that I came closer to discovering what I might do with myself. Arts/Law or Medicine. Man, I can't see myself as anything these days. Future me, do somehow time travel back to me and tell me what I'm meant to do with my life.

Well, that's all I have time for folks. Oh wow, that was a weird ending phrase.

Cool, bye.
Erica

Beauty & the Beast

OH MY GOODNESS.

I haven't made a musical post. D: I am quite a sorry excuse for a blogger. No readers, completely out-of-date posts, no photos or music. Oh well. It's for my personal future reference anyway.

So, Beauty & the Beast! I actually made many more new friends this time compared to last. I miss my CanCan girl costume and my villager one too. The pink frills made me feel like a princess. xP It was actually so happy  that Isabel and Viv came for the first performance on Thursday. Idk. Performing for people you know in the audience, seeing them afterwards and gushing about the musical makes it wayy more enjoyable. Vicky came on Friday. Oh oh and Ben, Jun Yi, Chai and Josh came too! It was a rather pleasant surprise. :) And Tan family came on Saturday. Tess loved it. :D

Like last year, I went to the afterparty and then stayed over at Crystal's. And unless musical afterparties tend to be more dud-y than normal parties, parties aren't actually all that they're cut out to be... Dancing and food are the better parts. The conversations you have are quite meaningless with no real point to them. Or maybe I just wasn't talking to the right people..

Anywho I shall summarize. Um. Guy called Christen showing off his card tricks while the girls 'Oooh-ed' and 'Ah-ed' (ratio of girl to boy was like 15 to 1, maybe that's why it was so un-fun); Alice getting typsy and trying to get James and Kieran to play the pocky game and kiss (we think we're mature at Year 11, but really, we're just bigger kids finding different forms of amusement); Meher getting more than a little drunk; Me stealing sips of other people's drinks to try and find one that I didn't not like (not very successful, cruisers were the only non-foul tasting alcoholic drink). It was interesting, I guess, observing teenage behaviour. LOL.

Digging to find my inner party girl, she must be in here somewhere. ><
Erica

Recap

Okay.

I just realized how my not-blogging for that massive chunk of time has affected my future. I mean, I am depriving myself of future laughs when I look back and see how FUNNY and immature I used to be. My future, old, wrinkly self with a deteriorating memory needs all these posts to either reminisce her childhood or wonder when in the world something like that happened. Yes, I am blogging for you future Erica Tan.

 So this is me committing. ish.

RIGHT. So lemme rewind ALL the way back to Term 2 holidays.

The Tan family flew to Sydney the very day holidays began, at 4 a.m. on Saturday morning. When we got there, we plonked ourselves in a motorhome/caravan thingie. It was an... interesting experience. We were to drive up to some town, stay for the night, then to Armidale, then Lake Macqueirie and back to Sydney Airport. In spite of the cold nights, getting lost in the middle of nowhere, occasional arguments and extremely bumpy rides, it was an overall quite fun. 

Then there was Viv's birthday. We went go-karting. Exhilarating.We felt uber cool racing around the track with our helmets. I do love my friends.

I also went to RMIT Community Justice Day. Not as great and interactive as last year's Health Science Day. It involved listening to people promote different university courses.. Oh well, Dong and I agreed that we went for the free pizza. :) We were split into groups, I figured I'd have an okay chance of getting someone I knew because Viv was going too. But nooo, I wasn't. BUT surprise surprise, Crystal showed up. As well as Lucy, another PLC girl. HAH. Trust PLC to make half the population of kids who go to workshops like this.

No. I don't think I got any closer to figuring out what I want to do.

Ericarrrr. Heh.

Musings of the mind

I miss my childhood: the ignorant bliss, the innocence, the two-dimensional me.

I know I've had my fair share of complaining about my 'lost innocence', but I genuinely feel a sense of loss. Sure, I used to be described as 'sensitive', the negative adjective, but that's better than this. I guess got sick of it. Sick of being the 'sensitive' one who burst into tears or hid behind her mother's skirts at the first sign of pain. So I learned, I learned to harden my heart and mind to numbness. It's a barrier to getting hurt. One doesn't feel pain if one doesn't feel at all. It's a defence mechanism.

Put on a tough face, act like it's fine. Pretend like you don't see what you do because in all likelihood, it is only in your mind. It's a skill, to be able to fabricate your own reality. Then again, all are born with an imagination, the ability to make-believe. Child's play.

So I don't see why it's not working. Insecurities are forever creeping in, threatening to destroy the tower I've built. A tower of feigned confidence.

But for now, the castle holds its ground. It's like a switch that automatically switches on when people are around. Reflex. But like all reactions, it's temporary. When people leave, silence follows, and the weight returns. It never left, you just pretended for that period of time, so others wouldn't see the strain beneath the smile. Then again, there was no strain, was there? In the moment? Because after years of practice, that's how good you can get at playing the part.

My eyelids are actually closing on me. This post probably makes no sense whatsoever. It's just patches of thought. Nothing. I'm sure I'll be fine by tomorrow. After a night's slumber. Besides, these unread words will drift into nothingness anyway, too insignificant to remain in even the author's memory.

Me.

Bottled Fury

A throat constricting, fist clenching, blood boiling fury.
Suppressed rage, condensing into a solid mass of anger, restricting breath.
If only, if only she could open her mouth, unleash the frustration in a single, saturated scream.
Instead, it remains bottled up.
Growing, slowly at first, the faster.
Increasingly easily proved. It manifests everywhere.
and she becomes the very embodiment of resentment.

The Struggle

I watch as she, dearest friend, confidante, walks into darkness. I am useless.

Her feet are bloody, shredded by the bed of thorns beneath her. 

And yet, she continues forward. 

Each move pierces more of her skin, cuts deeper into vulnerable wounds. 

Her face is contorted in agony; her face streaked with incessant tears. Fresh salty streams emerge before old ones complete their fall. 

And yet, she continues forward.

In desperation, I shout, scream, call, cry. Why? Come back. Stop. My voice is unavailingly hoarse, for she pays no heed. 

Sometimes, she pauses for a fraction of a second, as if she heard something.

But she is deaf to words. The physical affliction is easier. Immediate stabs pain pushes to the foreground, dulling all else. It allows shadows to remain buried. 

Worry and an inability to understand transforms into anger. Daggers are thrown, spears hurled in frustration. Then guilt. As if more pain will help.

Urgency increases. Each step ahead requires another step to behind.

Choose joy.

The Blue Balloon

The blue balloon needs to be reigned in, stopped from floating away. Quick! Before the string runs out. Else it'll rise and rise and rise. and burst.

the weightless air dissipates. what's left drifts.
in torn fragments, carried by the wind.


Hm. I've realized lately how pretentious of a person I can be. It's ridiculous.

I'm profoundly disappointed in myself.sigh.
Erica

Symptoms of Sleep Deprivation

So,

Haven't blogged in a while. Haven't had time to blog. Seriously, I have things to do literally every second of the day. Books to read, homework to do, people to talk to, places to go, subjects to study, shakespearean plays to watch, the list is never-ending. I need sleep. So really,  idk why I'm blogging right now.

Anyway, the point of this post was... Well, there really is no point to it. I just felt like putting together a piece of writing that wasn't a compulsory English essay. Or strings of words put together to deepen some relationship or other. Hah. Hardly.

I have realized though, being tired makes me more emotional and less self-conscious. I do and say 'n'importe quoi' I feel like without caring so much about if I'm offending someone, if I look stupid, if I'm annoying, if I have an emotional breakdown. I imagine that a small taste of what getting drunk is like. You think less, act more. 

Evidence? If someone made statistics out of every crying (legit tears falling) episode I've had, I'm sure I was at least mildly sleep deprived majority (80%?) of the time. With less sleep, more of my optimistic self dissipates.

Shleepy, can you tell?

Erica

Incompetence

"Don't just be somebody, do something." Shelley at Epic.

I learnt many things at church today...

1. I need to practice praying. O.o The words don't flow as well as they should. I attempted to pray for a girl's grandmother who just got surgery for cancer. 
2. I'm socially awkward. I trip over my words and blabber like an idiot.
3. I strongly dislike pity. It makes me feel small and incompetent and childish. Please, don't give me that look, like you know everything, have everything and I'm just a little 5-year-old girl putting on make up and dressing up in her mother's dresses, trying to fit in where she doesn't. Sure, I do feel like that sometimes, but you don't have the right to make me feel like that.
4. I like people who don't pretend to be what they're not. Maybe that's why I don't like myself sometimes. Huh.

Okayy. That was just me being me. She's actually a really nice person. It was just the way she reacted to that situation that rubbed me the wrong way. Or maybe I'm just jealous. GAH.

16 already? 

Erica.

P.S I got mistaken for a uni student for the first time in EVER. -gasp- But I don't think it's legit. And he thought I knew everybody. LOL. How wrong can one be? I'm socially awkward and unsociable, remember? 

The Uncertified Accountant

Hehe.

I decided to make the most of my semi-depressed state and wrote more. Because I felt like it.

An uncertified accountant.

She spends every heartbeat of everyday calculating. Her job is undervalued for one does not often realize the level of difficulty in measuring something relative. Sounds like simple maths, sure, but with complicated figures.

Numbers are constantly whirring in her mind. Her time is spent balancing both sides of the relationship equation. She accounts for every action and expression, keeps records of every give and take. Oh and she loves calculus. Who doesn't love solving the limits of generosity? Of selfishness? All the better of the limit doesn't even exist.

Her job is to cut losses, make profit but it is of utmost importance to stay detached and focused. A single error, the tiniest mistake and the answer the wrong. There are no generous half-marks given, no second chances, not here. Once the red mark is written on paper, it's there to stay.

And so she works, strives, has to ensure a flawless equilibrium is reached. It's her purpose in life. Only, the equilibrium is undefined. What then?

This is what methods 3/4 has done to me. ><

Erica

An act

So,

Yesterday night, in spite of the singing, dancing, laughing, chatting, nail-painting, video-watching, hair-curling sleepover with Tess, Mavis and Megan the night before, I was feeling a greyish shade of blue. I'm sure sleep deprivation contributed. But anyway, here's what my mind concocted.

The less you care, the less you get hurt.

Lesson? Don't get emotionally attached.

In the heartbeat you do, the probability of pain sky-rockets.

Life is a pursuit of happiness and the avoidance of pain.

The secret? Simple. Don't care. Don't let yourself care.

So what if you become someone with tearless eyes and feigned emotions?

You don't get hurt. No obsessive wonderings nor sinister thoughts wandering.

It's an act.

Depends on how well you pretend.

How convincing your script.

How realistic your mask.

I don't even know what I was thinking about. O.o

Me.

Going with the flow

Hm,

I'm in the mood for keeping a record of things lately. Or maybe I'm just procrastinating, an excuse for not doing that language analysis essay I'm supposed to be doing..

Anywho, however I got here, today was fun. I did something impulsive (by my standards anyway) and went to the city to have lunch with Tess and her Yes! camp friends. We had stimulating conversations about religion over burgers and foccaccia. Age does start mattering less as you grow older, I guess.

It was really nice spending the day with Tess too actually. She's so bubbly, spontaneous and happy-go-lucky, to a certain extent. Sometimes, I secretly feel serious and solemn and boring, to a certain extent. But yes, I am more myself when I feel comfortable, and I did, today, chilling with my sister.

EEK. Mushy-ness. So I'm gonna stop.

Btw Tess, if you're reading this, you need to get over him, okay not him, it, dude.

Erica.

Crazy Wings

Yesterday.

We went to the Easter service at 9am in the morning, then a group of us bus-ed to the Glen and challenged ourselves to... dun dun DUN! eat... crazy wings.

For a few seconds, all is fine and you think 'Hey, it's not that bad.' Then the burning starts. The fireball starts in your mouth, your tongue, and if you were silly enough to lick your lips, your lips. Eventually, it subsides and it's just numbness and throbbing. Then the burn moves to your stomach.

Kendrick took one bite and turned bright red, he couldn't finish the rest.

Chris was sweating like he ran a marathon after two wings.

Dong just died. Idk why he put himself through it. It's his second time.

Ben seemed pretty alright. He ran to the korean shop next door to buy us strawberry icypoles to de-burn our tongues. Without them, I'm pretty sure I would've just burst into flames.

I handled one pretty well if I do say so myself.

Luckily, Nicole didn't eat one. She can't stand spicy. ><

Someone mis-ordered honey wings. The guys offered me one off theirs. I know it's no big deal, but I found it sweet. I guess there are little perks to having long hair and a higher pitched voice.

After that, we split up. Ben, Chris, Dong and I just hung around, killing time before the movie, while Martyn, Ryan, Nicole and Kendrick went to watch Hunger Games. Most of the shops were closed.. But it was nice. Chill. There was no need to fill silences. They were comfortable. And it made for better conversation as I wasn't tripping over words like I often am when I'm being overly excited about something.

Went to pancake parlour. Played chess with Ben. Gosh, I kinda suck. But we didn't finish, so technically it was a draw. :) Jun-yi and Nathan joined us. Wrath of the titans was average. I bought Bread Top, it was OPEN. :D And we returned to Crazy Wings, only to encounter the other group munching on more chicken wings. Not the crazy ones.

Took the bus home with Martyn and Ben.

Hm. The guys don't seem to like Martyn very much. Okay, he has attitude and an ego, but I most guys do to a lesser extent, right? It's their macho thing. I think he just doesn't know how to act. He just wants to be liked, and I guess that's just his way of getting people's attention. It's not right to be mean, and he problems he needs to sort out. But I don't think excluding him or whatever is gonna solve the issue. O.o

Then again, maybe it's just me. And as Dong said 'It's different from a girl's perspective.' Or maybe extremely kind-hearted Mum has taught me to always try to see the best in people.

Well, I had fun, got to know people better, so I'm happy.

Me.

Tenebrous: dark and gloomy

Okay.

So I'm just in this ugh mood right now. Everything seems to be irking me and there's a knot in my chest. I'm tired and irritated.

Sometimes, I really don't like who I am: this this dark being that hates; an ugly, crawling creature with selfish desires and a jealous heart.

What is wrong with me? I never seem to be content; with myself, with life in spite of the fact that I really am blessed. Dissatisfaction has somehow lodged itself inside my mind, sitting comfortably on a couch by the fire, refusing to budge.

I need to find true, stable inner joy instead of grasping at the thread-like wisps of outer happiness. A wavering happiness, reliant on the happenings around me. Sometimes I'm rocketed out to be amongst the stars in euphoria. Other times gravity kicks in and splash!, I'm yanked into the deepest ocean floor. where creatures of darkness lurk. beyond the reach of warmth and sunlight.

And oh the silence. Don't forget the chilling silence.

Sentiments? O.o

Right.

I am not 100% sure of the details, but from what I do know is that pettiness still happens as adults. I thought people grow out of all that, for lack of a better word, meanness. Apparently it's not just teenagers who hold petty grudges, whisper behind backs and exclude. Huh. Dear future Erica, please make sure you are not as immature as that.

Not that I can say, with absolute certainty, that I don't do that now. In fact, I think I do do it to a certain extent. So I shall stop. So it doesn't grow and become a horrible habit that hurts people. Then I'll be all alone and friendless. Not that that's the only reason. It's wrong. >< eheh.heh.heh. Yes yes, I'm quite selfish sometimes. Which is why I try to make myself do good things and to be a good person by making up selfish reasons that would convince my overly inward focused self to be nice. Does that make sense? D: Because I do want to be a good person.

Meh. Life's too complex to figure out.

OH. I watched this video. It encompasses a whole lot of my childhood memories in Malaysia.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=CzkAPMWNSGc

Nostalgia: A sentimental longing for the past, typically with happy personal associations.

Erica

Complexities of the mind

Hm,

I have kinda missed blogging.

Lately, I've been starting to realize how very interesting my family is. So much drama, hushed up secrets, scandals (to a certain extent), complex relationships etc. Are other families this interesting? I'm hoping Tess does end up writing a novel on our extended family, to consolidate it. I, for one, would buy a copy.

Right now, James is the 'person of interest'. BAHHA omgsh I can't believe I just made that reference. Anyway, back to seriousness. I'm really worried about the Lim family. Everything that's happened would have evidently had some kind of impact on his developing psychological state. Who knows what thoughts are running through his mind, causing him to behave in the manner he is. How one is brought up, the influences around you, really do have an immense affect on one's character.

It's crazy how distorted someone's perception can become; how your mind can weave the most ludicrous bunkum and the blindingly obvious truth is suddenly camouflaged. You can't see it unless you know what you're looking for.

I wish I could mind-read. Then I could understand how people are wired, get insight into how and why people do the things they do. Because I am honestly just stumped. I'm pretty sure I'm much easier to figure out, as much as I would prefer otherwise. O.o

One of those un-understandable human beings?

Me.

Parallel universes

Sick.

I'm having a headache as a result of incessant coughing fits. It's horrible. And I'm in an I-seriously-just-can't-be-bothered-doing-anything mood. Except maybe blogging. Plus I'm coold. And I have a maths sac next Wednesday to study for.

Okay. Stupid complaints. You see, last Wednesday, we had a F&L class and we learnt about human trafficking. We were bombarded with videos and this website 'http://love146.org/'. Everyone was just shocked to a stunned silence by the horror of it all. These innocent, psychologically undeveloped children deceived, exploited, forced to become prostitutes; exposed to physical, mental, emotional torture. Unimaginable things beyond our comprehension.

Think about it. Right this moment, happening in a multiple of places on Earth are screams of pain, suppressed trauma, human beings suffering in silence. It literally is two opposite parallel worlds. So who am I, really, to complain of well. Anything?

I know. It's just a blog post filled with words. Maybe this is just a temporary phase: okay, so poor children are suffering, I feel bad, then 2 days later, nothing changes. But I don't want it to be.

Maybe there's nothing much I can do right now, but here's me making a promise to myself.

I will do something, someday.

Erica

Instinct vs. Logic

I kind of hate that feeling when you think you're getting the 'I don't like you' vibes from someone, because you never really know, do you? It could all be a figment of your wild imagination. The fact that it has a history of over-analysing things and paranoia just increases the possibility of it being fiction.

So do you go with your nagging gut-feel?

Or do you go with the option that would make life oh so much simpler and happier and care-free? The option that does hold basis.

Best option? Completely forget the thought ever crossed your mind. :)

'I don't like you' vibes? No idea what you're talking about. Everyone likes meh.

HAH. I'm so funny.

Erica

An update.

An update.

On my mediocre life.

House Concerrrts!

It's tomorrow. I've been extra involved this year, showing up to mostly singing (sometimes dancing) rehearsals without fail practically every lunchtime and afterschool. :D kind of. I did, occasionally, rarely, sometimes, leave early. But still.

Year 11 is intense. Bio, Chem, MATHS, English homework is cropping up lots. Barely surviving, but surviving nonetheless.

Had lunch with Yu Pyn and Viv on Saturday after rehearsals at Shine cafe/bar at the Glen. Church, then NASI LEMAK dinner with Zhen-Li, Eunice and stuff. Twas fun. Although I missed out on MOVIES at Knox with the other church gang. Gosh. Everyone went. Jun-yi, Kendrick, Mavis, Chris, Ben... Ah well. I had fun. :)

Determined to go job hunting tomorrow. Been postponing it for WAY too long.

Madam Anbarci for French. She's nice. Je manque de parler en francais... Dommage, je ne suis plus en France.

TO BED. I'm shleepy.

Erica

the Thoughts

a cancerous Thought

in a dim corner of her mind.

multiplying. thousands of dark fly-like beings.

and still, she knows nothing. life goes on.

it's only when she's alone, in the night, when the Thoughts, explode.

freed and powerful, they rampage through her mind.

a white hand in the black window. fear.

once the gates were opened, nothing holds them back.

the malicious things, they cackle.

i am alone.

Thoughts buzzing, a swarm of bees.

encompassing, devouring all in their path.

then stillness.

a crumpled figure. lost. salvaging what's left of her sanity.

Not about anything really

Wow.

So it's been an extremely long time since I've blogged and perhaps, however miniscule it's contribution, it has, in fact, played a part in the mild deterioration (okay, wrong choice of words, but I'm at a loss for another word -.-) of my English standard.

I'm also placing some of the blame on spending 5 weeks in France, hearing, speaking, thinking (somewhat), breathing french. The sentence structures are different, thus slightly affecting my English. D:

Anyway, I seem to have placed a whole lot of emphasis on my English when I actually don't mind thaaat much. I'll just try using as many 'big' words as possible to improve my vocabulary and express my mind more eloquently. :P

The point of this post was to talk about France. Only I cannot possibly consolidate the emotions, wonderful experiences, challenges and lovely people I met in 30 pages, let alone a single blog post; so I'm just. Not going to. :) Besides, I have 2 pages per day for each day I was in France in a little exercise book. Let's hope I don't lose that.

Oh and Universal Studios in Singapore was pretty amazing. Rode the INSANE blue-red transformers rollercoaster. Met up with friends and family in Malaysia, as per usual, just as warm and fuzzy as always. Ate lots. Especially roti canai. :D

Has not come to terms with the fact that she's in Year 11,
Erica