Neuroticism

"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days." The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

That's where I am right now. It's like I'm standing in the middle of a rambunctious platform. People are shoving, stepping, striding all around me. Two trains on either side of me are departing in opposite directions at the same time, soon. I'm torn. I turn from one side to the other, then to my wristwatch. My mind flicks through the potential people I could meet; experiences I could have; things I could see at either destinations. Both are equally appealing. The sense of urgency builds itself into a miniature tower inside my throat, constricting air flow. Knots of anxiety twist and tighten themselves in the pit of my stomach.

Whenever an option comes into consideration, my brain sneers, "You can't possibly want to go there. How ludicrous." and I'm yanked back to sitting on the fence, no closer to a decision. My mind deliberates and argues with itself. I think and think and think myself everywhere and end up going nowhere.

Time ticks and tocks and runs out. And yet there I remain, rooted to the concrete floor.

A bell sounds, wheels turn, metal screeches and just like that, the trains leave.

I'm left behind with a suitcase of belongings beside my feet, unmoved since 15 minutes ago when I first arrived. I had been so filled with determination to go somewhere, to move.

Like an opened floodgate, emotions tumble in: regret, frustration, anger, sadness, confusion

So, so many missed trains, opportunities, just because I couldn't decide on what I wanted.


This year will be different. I will figure myself out and get somewhere. Not just anywhere, but a where I want to be.
Me