Contrast

It's different this time.

Where the first was volatile and exciting, shrouded with uncertainty (I did like the mystery), this one is simpler, lighter and safer.

The first made me bolder and stronger, whereas this, I think, will remind me to care and teach me create.

Both are boyish and both are mature, but in different ways. They have a different kind of confidence, and show a different kind of care.

The feeling is different too, in a way that I can't quite put into words. Let's try young, free and reckless, compared to young, grateful and content.

I'm treading with care, but perhaps I will be able to let my guard down a little bit more than before (If I even know how to do that; my automatic hurt prevention system seems pretty deeply entrenched)

Let's see how Chapter 2 turns out,
Me.

PS: Life really does become progressively busier, doesn't it? An endless stream of things to do and not enough time to stop and record it all down (or perhaps just a lack of discipline).

Absorbing the good at camp

EngageYA Camp.

A conversation with a pastor on the ride to Phillip Island that gave me some reassurance and peace of mind.

Relationship insights from young married couples who are relatable but wiser with much more life experience over brekkie.

Getting immersed in worship.

A reminder to live with purpose. 

Feeling closer to God that I have in a while. 

Interesting new way of reading/interpreting the Bible. And an unexpected lesson from the story in 2 Samuel 13.

Resolving to try harder to consult Him more in day to day life. 

Hoping to stay tuned to God's voice so I can follow His direction and make better decisions,

Me.

Mistakes make a mess

I'm constantly surprised at myself.

What I always tell people has proven to be true time and time again: If you ask me what I would do in a given hypothetical situation, I would not be able to answer with any certainty. I don't know how I'm going to react to something until I am actually confronted with it.

And so after a moment of weakness, a wave of nostalgia and a trip down memory lane, I woke up the next morning wondering if it had happened at all.

'I have this strange feeling that I'm not myself anymore. It's hard to put into words, but I guess it's like I was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling.' Haruki Murakami

I knew it was wrong and yet I did it anyway. Stupid.

But when my mind cleared, I tried to take responsibility for my own actions. I did what I thought was rightest possible way of fixing it. I took it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

I will do better.
Me.

Questions

I feel like I'm going through the motions.

I need to find meaning again. I need to go back to my "why".

Am I busy because I'm placing my self-worth in how much I'm doing with my time? Or is it to keep distracted, so I avoid stopping and thinking myself into a downward spiral?

I know it's partially because I feel responsible. I've been so abundantly blessed that it would feel wrong not to be using what I have to give back to others. I'd feel guilty for wasting what I've been given and failing make any sort of difference in the world.

But is there more to it? Am I just opting for that view because I want to feel like a good person?

I thought being single was great. It allowed me to grasp various opportunities, have meaningful conversations and invest in other relationships. I saw all the positives. I felt like there was a purpose for this phase. Besides, I didn't need emotional support from a relationship. I was am perfectly capable of being happy all on my own.

But is there a possibility that those were empty excuses? To hide the fact that sometimes, just sometimes, I'd feel lonely? Then again, I really have no right to feel lonely. I should count myself extremely fortunate to be surrounded by friends and family who genuinely care. I should be grateful (and I am). So why do I feel dissatisfied?

I've always prided myself in being able to stay happy. So I'd stay well away from wanting things that are beyond my control (to avoid disappointment/frustration/sadness). It's just a little harder this time and I can't figure out why.

Feeling lame,

Me.

Frantic

It's days like these that I question my sanity, my motives and whether I'm really as good a person as I'd like to think

Beginnings

There's an air about him.

It's nothing tangible. He's the same person; his words and actions are consistent with who I know him to be.

But little things tug at the corners of my mind and make it noticeable: his smiles come easier; his eyes are brighter; there's a confidence and energy in his actions that wasn't there before.

He's buzzing with the high; he's loving life; he feels invincible and nothing can touch this newfound happiness. There's so much of it that it's spilling out.

No I know it's not love. It's just a baby, light-hearted and wide-eyed with naive hope. It has yet to experience pain. It hasn't paid the price of commitment and compromise, and it doesn't know the deeper, richer fulfilment of love.

But it's a start.

And for that, a part of me is genuinely happy for him, while the the other is envious of something I so desperately want but do not have.

Selfish.
Me

Inspired

So,

A while ago, I went to the Maddocks High Achievers' welcome dinner. (I'm so sure it was the result of an error in the system or God was pulling some strings. Ha.) Anywho, I felt super out of place and inadequate but I know I was put there for a reason.

Tim Costello, CEO of World Vision, made an inspiring speech about how the law is inherently supposed to be about social justice. Sure, you think about all the stereotypes of the legal industry: full of manipulative, money-hungry people who abuse their powers to take advantage of the vulnerable. But if you strip it all away, the law is a means of achieving justice.

He told this story that really hit home for me:

There are three children and a flute. 

The youngest child: "The flute should be mine. You guys have so many other toys already, whereas I have nothing else to play with. It's only fair that I get the flute."

The second child: "Um no. I'm the only one who can actually play the flute, so I should have it. I'd make the most use of the instrument; I'd be able to play music for everyone else to enjoy.

The oldest child: "Guys, please, I'm the one who made the flute with my own hands. I worked really hard for it. I owned the flute before you two came jumping in and claiming it as yours. It's mine.

Each child is fighting for a different form of justice. None of them are wrong. And it's interesting that different people will relate more to one particular view. Mr Costello said that the laws and policies that we have reflect the values which we (the majority anyway) deem as more important. It's a balancing act that changes over time. But at its root, its purpose is to achieve justice. 

So I decided that in whatever career path, I will strive to make ethical decisions and remember why I chose that particular pathway. 

Tim Costello also happened to speak at Citylife Church that weekend so I really felt like the whole thing was quite significant/meaningful for my life. 

I also emailed this super lame and cheesy as 'thank you' message that I didn't think I would get a response to. BUT IT DID. Which made my day. Ahahha.

-------

Hi Erica,

Thank you so much for taking the time to email Tim, he was thrilled that both his talk at Maddock’s and sermon at Citylife resonated.  It sounds like you are someone we will have to look out for in the future – passion coupled with conviction are an amazing force!

He asked me to wish you all the best for your future endeavours and remember to “Keep Hope Alive”.

All the best,

Marie-Anne (Rusty) Rustichelli

Assistant to Tim Costello – Chief Executive Officer

and Business Administration Manager
-------

Don't lose sight of the bigger picture. 

Me.

Graduating Teenagehood

Well,

I survived.

As I was lying in bed two days before my birthday, my brain was whizzing with all these silly ideas of the things I wanted to do before I turned 20. My last evening as a teenager was not quite the romanticised scenario I had played out in my mind, but it was meaningful nonetheless.

I revisited my high school for the first time in about 2 years because I got a new student to tutor and she coincidentally is a PLC boarder. Walking through the carpark, past the reception and our old favourite tree Louie was not quite the experience I expected. There was no overwhelming wave of nostalgia and emotion (I base life off movies too much); instead there were trickles of thoughts, shadows of memories and a curiosity that I couldn't quite place.

I went home, attempted and failed to motivate myself to make brownies. I had this idea that I wanted to give one to every individual who played a significant part of my teens. Ha. Instead I laid on the carpet and waited for Dong to message so I could go see my friends. (expectations vs reality) So I spent my final hours in a beanbag doing nothing in the company of friends. Nothing out of the ordinary, but somehow special. When the clock struck twelve they sang happy birthday to the lamest video of the Bear in the Big Blue House on Youtube.

15th Friday: Gorgeous weather. Lunch and a 'boost' with Jarrod. Waffles with Ben. Thai dinner with the Tan fambam less Tess :( Mum, the sweetest person everr, brought an Adriano Zumbo passionfruit tart. They sang happy birthday at the restaurant. It was cringe-awkward.

We get home. I have 2 hours to kill. I call Isabel and convince her to change out of her PJs and join me on my endeavour to shout the person behind at a Maccas Drive thru. I can hear her aversion to the idea and the doubtful 'uh, why.' But I'm so spurred by adrenaline and excitement that I don't care. I pick her up and we drive to Maccas.

That's when I realise it's Friday at 7.30pm and there isn't a mad rush/queue in the drive thru. Isabel says 'you didn't think this through did you. let's just go.' But I stubbornly refuse to give up, determined to prove her wrong. While I drive in a circle around the carpark, two cars drive into the drive thru. Ha.

I take a leap of faith and drive in, praying praying praying that someone comes in behind me. And YAY they do! I order nuggets. As we approach the paying counter, a part of me come so close to bailing but we had come too far to turn back now. So I politely ask the check out chick 'Could I please pay for the meal of the person behind me?' She looks at me blankly, 'Sorry what?' I have to repeat and explain myself before she realises what I'm trying to do and smiles. 'That's really sweet. I'll let them know.'

We get our nuggets and drive off as fast as possible bc we feel embarrassed and awkward but also kinda good. I go home feeling a sense of satisfaction for finally living like the me in my head.

Then Janelle and Chai come over. We chat and sip on cider and wine. It's simple and sweet.

Twenty feels more significant to me than most ages. It feels like an official departure from childhood and teenagedom.

Dear God, in what's supposed to be the "best years of my life", help me to figure out who I am and what I'm here for. Remind me why I make my decisions and give me the strength to stick to them. I will strive to be authentic and true to myself every moment of every day.

Me.

Feeling a lil lost

Hm,

I get the feeling that God is trying to tell me something.
It's a puzzle that I've yet to piece together.
There's a lesson to be learned here, I just have to figure out what it is.

I had a week that was exactly the kind of week that I had set my mind to have this year. There were many meaningful conversations; I felt like I was making a difference in people's lives; I was living how I wanted to. It was a stable, enriched kind of high.

Then I had a following week where emotions were haywire. From fun hangout nights with Jarrod and Matt to the stress of messing up the car to drunk kitchen night to Planetshakers Conference to Champagne & Shackles to family games night to uni life. There were genuine highs, artificially induced highs and lows that were swept under the carpet.

I'm don't think I deal well with expectation followed by disappointment. I have a tendency to get excited too quickly and expect too much (while consciously projecting that I'm managing expectations and pretending I don't care bc we live in a society where caring too much is perceived as weak and no one wants to appear vulnerable).

Missed opportunity to work at Commonwealth Bank bc I can't take 4 months of uni sucks. (I put in so much effort into the application too. sigh)

Boys are stupid.

Smell is a dangerous thing.

I need to get work done.

There's a whole lot more of 'me' that I'm still unsure of.

Remember what's important!

On the verge of breakthough. But also not.
Me.

Beginning thoughts

twenty sixteen.

Hello. Please be kind to me.

This year, I remember to know why.  I will do things with purpose and direction.

I will spend my time on things that matter. I will remember what's important and why it's important.

PEOPLE

I will be intentional with building my community.

I will be genuine in caring for people and always always see the best in them.

I will set the standard instead of following it.

ME

I will be surer of and truer to myself. I will be authentic.

I will start piecing together a dream of the kind of future that I want. I will make meaningful sacrifices to make that dream a reality.

I will not give up so easily in the fear of failure or disappointment.

GOD 

I will pray big prayers and grow in my faith.

I will take time to stop and breathe and reflect.

Tis all for now,
And so it begins.
We'll shall see, shan't we?
Sincerely,
Me