Questions

I feel like I'm going through the motions.

I need to find meaning again. I need to go back to my "why".

Am I busy because I'm placing my self-worth in how much I'm doing with my time? Or is it to keep distracted, so I avoid stopping and thinking myself into a downward spiral?

I know it's partially because I feel responsible. I've been so abundantly blessed that it would feel wrong not to be using what I have to give back to others. I'd feel guilty for wasting what I've been given and failing make any sort of difference in the world.

But is there more to it? Am I just opting for that view because I want to feel like a good person?

I thought being single was great. It allowed me to grasp various opportunities, have meaningful conversations and invest in other relationships. I saw all the positives. I felt like there was a purpose for this phase. Besides, I didn't need emotional support from a relationship. I was am perfectly capable of being happy all on my own.

But is there a possibility that those were empty excuses? To hide the fact that sometimes, just sometimes, I'd feel lonely? Then again, I really have no right to feel lonely. I should count myself extremely fortunate to be surrounded by friends and family who genuinely care. I should be grateful (and I am). So why do I feel dissatisfied?

I've always prided myself in being able to stay happy. So I'd stay well away from wanting things that are beyond my control (to avoid disappointment/frustration/sadness). It's just a little harder this time and I can't figure out why.

Feeling lame,

Me.