I've been avoiding you, haven't I? You force me to think about things I don't want to think about, make me face concrete truths, tell me what I know I'm supposed to do but don't want to.
I KNOW OKAY. I have to figure out what I want.
To care or not to care? To move forward or stay here or back out? To be vulnerable or build barricades? To pursue or retreat? To dive head in or flee for dear life? HELP.
Something I do know though, is that I maybe need to stop 'going with the flow'. Stop relying on what other people tell me (I keep getting influenced in one way, then the other before I can act on the first influence. So I'm getting nowhere really). Stop chickening out. Stop being stubborn. Stop waiting.
If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days - Sylvia Plath
^ me. It makes sense though. Then what you get is always going to be something you want. But you would also never get the other thing you want.
Okay. Honest. Time to be honest with myself. I keep convincing myself that I'm happy waiting here. That it's better, safer, less risky here. Perhaps it is. But I'm definitely (maybe?) not happy waiting here. Not for much longer anyway. I need certainty. I need to go all in or to quit the game. I was wrong about me. I thought I'd be able to remain indifferent, chill, blazé. BUT APPARENTLY I'M WEAK AND I CAN'T. ugh. I'm the emotional one. bleh.
At the same time though, I'm not thaaat emotional. I mean, whichever way it goes, imma be fine. I can deal. Not gonna be ecstatic or mope. I'd be pretty neutral. Just less spazzy. Calmer. I like knowing what's going on. Structure. Clear lines. Deliberate ignorant bliss was fun for a while. Not saying it wasn't the right thing for then. But perhaps something has shifted. And everything is pointing to one thing.
On another note, just watched Fast and Furious 7 with the fam. Good movie.
Also supported Martyn at Barry Plant's launch of apartments in Doncaster. Interesting. Free food. Met new people. Pretty view.
It's past my bedtime.
Me
