Incompetence

"Don't just be somebody, do something." Shelley at Epic.

I learnt many things at church today...

1. I need to practice praying. O.o The words don't flow as well as they should. I attempted to pray for a girl's grandmother who just got surgery for cancer. 
2. I'm socially awkward. I trip over my words and blabber like an idiot.
3. I strongly dislike pity. It makes me feel small and incompetent and childish. Please, don't give me that look, like you know everything, have everything and I'm just a little 5-year-old girl putting on make up and dressing up in her mother's dresses, trying to fit in where she doesn't. Sure, I do feel like that sometimes, but you don't have the right to make me feel like that.
4. I like people who don't pretend to be what they're not. Maybe that's why I don't like myself sometimes. Huh.

Okayy. That was just me being me. She's actually a really nice person. It was just the way she reacted to that situation that rubbed me the wrong way. Or maybe I'm just jealous. GAH.

16 already? 

Erica.

P.S I got mistaken for a uni student for the first time in EVER. -gasp- But I don't think it's legit. And he thought I knew everybody. LOL. How wrong can one be? I'm socially awkward and unsociable, remember? 

The Uncertified Accountant

Hehe.

I decided to make the most of my semi-depressed state and wrote more. Because I felt like it.

An uncertified accountant.

She spends every heartbeat of everyday calculating. Her job is undervalued for one does not often realize the level of difficulty in measuring something relative. Sounds like simple maths, sure, but with complicated figures.

Numbers are constantly whirring in her mind. Her time is spent balancing both sides of the relationship equation. She accounts for every action and expression, keeps records of every give and take. Oh and she loves calculus. Who doesn't love solving the limits of generosity? Of selfishness? All the better of the limit doesn't even exist.

Her job is to cut losses, make profit but it is of utmost importance to stay detached and focused. A single error, the tiniest mistake and the answer the wrong. There are no generous half-marks given, no second chances, not here. Once the red mark is written on paper, it's there to stay.

And so she works, strives, has to ensure a flawless equilibrium is reached. It's her purpose in life. Only, the equilibrium is undefined. What then?

This is what methods 3/4 has done to me. ><

Erica

An act

So,

Yesterday night, in spite of the singing, dancing, laughing, chatting, nail-painting, video-watching, hair-curling sleepover with Tess, Mavis and Megan the night before, I was feeling a greyish shade of blue. I'm sure sleep deprivation contributed. But anyway, here's what my mind concocted.

The less you care, the less you get hurt.

Lesson? Don't get emotionally attached.

In the heartbeat you do, the probability of pain sky-rockets.

Life is a pursuit of happiness and the avoidance of pain.

The secret? Simple. Don't care. Don't let yourself care.

So what if you become someone with tearless eyes and feigned emotions?

You don't get hurt. No obsessive wonderings nor sinister thoughts wandering.

It's an act.

Depends on how well you pretend.

How convincing your script.

How realistic your mask.

I don't even know what I was thinking about. O.o

Me.

Going with the flow

Hm,

I'm in the mood for keeping a record of things lately. Or maybe I'm just procrastinating, an excuse for not doing that language analysis essay I'm supposed to be doing..

Anywho, however I got here, today was fun. I did something impulsive (by my standards anyway) and went to the city to have lunch with Tess and her Yes! camp friends. We had stimulating conversations about religion over burgers and foccaccia. Age does start mattering less as you grow older, I guess.

It was really nice spending the day with Tess too actually. She's so bubbly, spontaneous and happy-go-lucky, to a certain extent. Sometimes, I secretly feel serious and solemn and boring, to a certain extent. But yes, I am more myself when I feel comfortable, and I did, today, chilling with my sister.

EEK. Mushy-ness. So I'm gonna stop.

Btw Tess, if you're reading this, you need to get over him, okay not him, it, dude.

Erica.

Crazy Wings

Yesterday.

We went to the Easter service at 9am in the morning, then a group of us bus-ed to the Glen and challenged ourselves to... dun dun DUN! eat... crazy wings.

For a few seconds, all is fine and you think 'Hey, it's not that bad.' Then the burning starts. The fireball starts in your mouth, your tongue, and if you were silly enough to lick your lips, your lips. Eventually, it subsides and it's just numbness and throbbing. Then the burn moves to your stomach.

Kendrick took one bite and turned bright red, he couldn't finish the rest.

Chris was sweating like he ran a marathon after two wings.

Dong just died. Idk why he put himself through it. It's his second time.

Ben seemed pretty alright. He ran to the korean shop next door to buy us strawberry icypoles to de-burn our tongues. Without them, I'm pretty sure I would've just burst into flames.

I handled one pretty well if I do say so myself.

Luckily, Nicole didn't eat one. She can't stand spicy. ><

Someone mis-ordered honey wings. The guys offered me one off theirs. I know it's no big deal, but I found it sweet. I guess there are little perks to having long hair and a higher pitched voice.

After that, we split up. Ben, Chris, Dong and I just hung around, killing time before the movie, while Martyn, Ryan, Nicole and Kendrick went to watch Hunger Games. Most of the shops were closed.. But it was nice. Chill. There was no need to fill silences. They were comfortable. And it made for better conversation as I wasn't tripping over words like I often am when I'm being overly excited about something.

Went to pancake parlour. Played chess with Ben. Gosh, I kinda suck. But we didn't finish, so technically it was a draw. :) Jun-yi and Nathan joined us. Wrath of the titans was average. I bought Bread Top, it was OPEN. :D And we returned to Crazy Wings, only to encounter the other group munching on more chicken wings. Not the crazy ones.

Took the bus home with Martyn and Ben.

Hm. The guys don't seem to like Martyn very much. Okay, he has attitude and an ego, but I most guys do to a lesser extent, right? It's their macho thing. I think he just doesn't know how to act. He just wants to be liked, and I guess that's just his way of getting people's attention. It's not right to be mean, and he problems he needs to sort out. But I don't think excluding him or whatever is gonna solve the issue. O.o

Then again, maybe it's just me. And as Dong said 'It's different from a girl's perspective.' Or maybe extremely kind-hearted Mum has taught me to always try to see the best in people.

Well, I had fun, got to know people better, so I'm happy.

Me.

Tenebrous: dark and gloomy

Okay.

So I'm just in this ugh mood right now. Everything seems to be irking me and there's a knot in my chest. I'm tired and irritated.

Sometimes, I really don't like who I am: this this dark being that hates; an ugly, crawling creature with selfish desires and a jealous heart.

What is wrong with me? I never seem to be content; with myself, with life in spite of the fact that I really am blessed. Dissatisfaction has somehow lodged itself inside my mind, sitting comfortably on a couch by the fire, refusing to budge.

I need to find true, stable inner joy instead of grasping at the thread-like wisps of outer happiness. A wavering happiness, reliant on the happenings around me. Sometimes I'm rocketed out to be amongst the stars in euphoria. Other times gravity kicks in and splash!, I'm yanked into the deepest ocean floor. where creatures of darkness lurk. beyond the reach of warmth and sunlight.

And oh the silence. Don't forget the chilling silence.