Priorities. Priorities. Priorities.

Priorities.

Priorities priorities priorities. Mine. are. everywhere. Changing at every whim or fancy; as variable as my hormone driven, not to mention completely unstable mood swings. They rely way too much on the forever changing circumstances of my life, kind of like the sky (get it? foreverchangingskies? LOL. okay. stop being lame). Say I felt extra lonely, then my fears of becoming a sad, old lady, alone in some retirement home take over. As ridiculous and silly as it is, my priority becomes "go talk to boys. need boyfriend. fall in love NOW." Bahhah. Or another day it could be "studystudystudy. get job. live long and prosper. (star trek quote) because no study = fail VCE = failure at life." No, I know that's nowhere near the truth, but sometimes, my irrational asian brain takes over. And on better days it's 'make people smile. be kind. look out for people who need a friend. help people."

So yes. It's far too iffy. I need to be grounded, to focus and have a purpose. Write a priority list. Uh. How do I go about this?

1. i can't think of anything.
2. this is silly. pointless. blah. gah. idgjspogsopdgsopdgsdkgf

Mind blank. Great.

Okay. I think my mind is to exhausted to conjure up anything even minutely reasonably meaningful. Lol. Let's stick with trying to follow this goal.

I want to significantly change someone's (or multiple people's if possible) life/lives. (For the better, clearly. I think that goes without saying. But just to clarify, yeah I meant for the better. durh.)

This will involve... Being kind, friendly, generous, thoughtful, considerate to everybody. :D No I am not turning myself into someone I'm not, thankyouverymuch, I am merely trying to bring out the best in me. Besides, I like myself much better when I'm nice to people. So doesn't that mean that that's when I'm more me?

Right. This just became one of those posts that make no sense whatsoever. Like when you splat an egg on the floor and it's a mess of broken eggshells, runny yolk and gooey eggwhite.

Oh and I learnt how to speak in tongues. It's interesting how I wasn't sleep deprived and it wasn't one of those days when my blood is pumping faster and I'm more daring than usual. I was completely aware of what I was doing. And oddly enough, I didn't care what people thought. It just felt like the right thing to do at that moment.

Sounding slightly crazed,
Me.

Youth Alive!

Hm.

WE had lifegroup of Friday at Kim's house and iced chocolate cake to celebrate Steph's birthday! I was tired to the point that I became excessively energetic and jumped around the house. Perhaps it was the sugar. Heh. But yeah, charcoal chicken and pizza for dinner with Mish. OH and we kind of made watched Kim make macarons. It takes a whole lotta skill. OH and the best bit! We made fondant animals! They were adorable! I made a pig. Kim made a panda and an octopus. Mish made the most perfect cow and Steph made CHICKENS. Oh and I met Holly the vegan who's cool but thought I was in Uni. D: D: I don't look that old, do I? DDDD:

And then Saturday! Took the bus with Junyi to the city for Youth Alive. It was superduper fun. We wandered around the Melbourne Convention Centre looking for food at first. Buut we realized we were too poor to afford anything. So sandwich for dinner it was.. Josh was like 'Dude. I can eat like 2 loaves of bread in a day.' And I was like, 'Dude, this is temporary to keep me from starving. I'll get more food later.' Okay. Not exactly in those words, but meh. OH and omgsh they gave out free red bull! Eugena had 4. O.O I had one and I was already feeling the effects. Well, not really.. But Phil said I was talking super fast and Tiana said I looked high. :S Idk. I'd describe the feeling as restlessness and an urge to head bob to any music within the area.

Youth Alive was like a concert. We got moshpit tickets! Omgsh I just loved it, getting lost in the music, being completely carefree in that moment when you're jumping and dancing. No one's watching and there's this worry-free exhilaration. Then a band called Evermore? came up and I just kept watching the drummer because he had this intense expression and was so enthusiastic about what he was doing. Oh and the guys kept pushing each other around. And a couple of them jumped on Ben's shoulders. LOL. It was rather entertaining. Except when the stepped on your feet. By accident. Okay. I didn't mind thaat much. But yeah, it was great because they drained you of all your energy, then got to the serious part with worship and a message. Funny because it was about free-falling and stepping out in faith for God to be able to do something in your life.It was dark and it felt good to praise God without feeling self-conscious. Although I really ought to do be able to do that without the whole atmosphere. I gotta learn to stop caring what people think and just BE MYSELF. Although that's still a little hard seeing as I still don't know what myself is...

Anywho, realized I didn't have a ride home because my parent's were in the City eating dinner with Junyi's parents. LOL. So Mish took us to McDonald's where I attempted (and failed) to chuck a McBite into my mouth. I was starving by then. Omnomnom fooood.

I see why people get addicted to caffeine, especially when it's concentrated in this singe can of sugary sweet liquid. It makes you act without thinking as much. Good for me because I think too much? Perhaps.

Wonder what getting drunk feels like... Teehee.
Erica

Fully Occupied

TERM 3 HOOLIDAYS.

Yes, I think I've mentioned that. Anyway the first week was insane. It was literally 24/7 busybusybusy-ness.  I had Patchwork from 9am-3pm Monday to Friday. Which wasn't as bad as it sounds. For one, we had snack duty and some people brought reallly yummy stuffs (MUFFINS, cookies, cinnamon rolls, fruit...). Plus I got to read people's creative writing pieces and Lily's hilariously cynical comments. The moment I came home each, I plonked myself on my study desk and did a Methods trial exam paper. Dear brain, I apologize for the pain I'm putting you through. It's... good for you? O.o

Wednesday was Jessie's birthday! Whooo. It's kinda great having friends that you've known for so long. We're just so used to each other and our company. It's just comfortable. :) We played cards, baked chocolate souffle/pudding/cake/brownie, sang our hearts out at singstar, ate baozi for dinner, learnt (and recorded ourselves learning) Gangnam style and played murder in the dark. It really speeds up your heart rate when you're in total darkness and could potentially be killed at any moment. Apparently I give out a murdering vibe when I'm murderer, hence I don't make a very good one. Huh and I thought I was good at concealing my latent intent. Guess not. lol. Only con was that I had to wake up early on Thursday to go to the city because I volunteered to help out at a fundraising event for the Hamlein Fistula Hospital in Ethiopia. Yay. :/

Had to dress in black. Every item of clothing I wore was borrowed from Mum. LOL. I don't like wearing so much black. Makes me feel old, and like I'm going to a funeral. D: But it was quite inspiring. She's 78, I think? And she still works 6 days and does a fistula surgery each week.

Patchwork finished early Friday because we're oh-so efficient. Bec, Vivian and I decided last minute to go to the Glen to get Chatime. Ohmygosh it's amazing. The grass jelly was all velvety. mmmm. And I found fellow friends who understand me when I say things like ba pao and ba kut teh and zang. :)

Hardly had time to breathe,
Erica

Letter to myself

Ohmygoodness.

So it's holidays and I'm taking a few moments to not do work. And I decided to flick back and scan through old blog posts in 2009. Oh dear. I am absolutely appalled at how... complainey/whiney + insecure I sound.

-shudders-

I really need to get over myself. Way too self-absorbed. I made quasiment (practically) a gazillion posts where all I did was feel sorry for myself and whinge. I hate it when people whinge. sgdnsoidgjpsodjgosdferfaw. Please, please tell me I'm not like that anymore. D:

SEE EVEN NOW I'M TALKING ABOUT ME. MEMEMEMEME. ALWAYS ME. STOP RIGHT NOW.

Think of everyone else. Think of the girl who was manipulated into prostitution and doesn't even own her own body; think of the family who's starving; think of the lonely boy who's an amazing person but is too shy to show it. Think of them and DO SOMETHING. Donate, raise awareness, do a random act of kindness.

I, Erica Tan Lee Hsia, vow to be less me-minded and devote 80%-90% (prefereably 90%) of my thoughts to making other people's lives better. 

The other 5% can be for basic necessities like "Stop blogging and go do another trial exam paper."

Only the last 5% can you leave for self-reflection. And this is ONLY to improve your character. Yes? Deal? Okay? Good.

Heading towards a new and improved Erica. :D

Wow. that was an extremely dodgy post.
But I mean it!
Sane-ish,
TimTan

Who am I?

I wish.

I wish I could step out of myself and into someone else to see me through their eyes, their opinions, their expectations. Then, only then would I truly know what I am doing. I think. I need to know if I still come across as the childish, innocent girl; or the insecure second child who's invisible as much as she wants to be otherwise; or a genuinely friendly person who's fun to be with (HAH. I wish); or the crazy always-too-hyper one; or the girl who talks like a baby around guys (credits to tumblr. Heh); or the 'look at me! look at me!' spotlight wannabe; or shallow; or too complicated and deeply troubled (LOL); or always cheery; or sensitive; or easily annoyed; or the overt Christian girl etc etc. Wow. STOP. I could go one forever. And why do I need to know how other people see me? Idk. For reassurance? That I'm not some outcast always feeling a fake sense of belonging? Maybe.

On the other hand, I'm just past caring. I'm me and if that doesn't happen to be someone who people enjoy being around, then well. It's their loss, I guess.

How is it that I care so much yet not at all? Okay. If I'm compleeetely honest, I care too much too much of the time. Not that I show it. I hope. Gah.

Following along these lines, people are always telling you to be yourself, not to change or try becoming something you're not. But what is yourself? What makes you, you and me, me? Is it how we act around other people? What we say? How we express how we feel? All these are so very immeasurable. I mean, how does one know what another would do in a given circumstance? There are infinite factors affecting someone's actions: their current emotions, state of mind, recent events, burdens... So who can ever say what you're doing isn't you? You have infinitely many different ways of reacting to a situation according to your state of being at that moment in time. Why is one reaction 'supposedly' the real you? A girl can flick from being animated and outgoing to shy introversion with the passing of a thought or a misunderstood word.

Okay. All that beating around the bush and long-winded ramblings come down to the big question that's asked a gazillion times a day. Who am I?

Unfortunately, right now. I have no clue.
In search of herself,
Erica

Boy Trouble? LOL. no, not really.

So,

Ignoring my fatigue, I decided to go to watch "Life of Bliss" on Friday night. It was a WCC production and was so extremely sad. It was a combination of three different, rather inspiring, life stories based on real people. I actually teared up at one point, which is, if you know me, VERY rare. Then again, I always am more a lot more cry-able when I'm lacking sleep. Oh another thing, I went with Kim and Ben and Steph and Mish and Ivan. Which is why I can't for the world understand why people keep teasing me about Ben. Honestly, I think I'd know if someone liked me, unless I'm missing this 'sixth sense' that Daniel and Jessie tell me about. But no. My instincts say just friends. Good. Because in spite of all the 'I want to come first for someone for once' and 'I want to fall in love's, I don't think I'm emotionally prepared? To be honest, I just don't like thinking about it. Too much pain, potential hurt and insecurities for my awkward-around-boy-minded brain. Sigh. I'll just revert to my motto, if it's meant to happen, it'll happen. :) But I keep getting this nagging feeling that if I don't do anything, I'll just stay alone forever.

Then on Saturday, it was Christina's birthday lunch at Noodle Kingdom. I had to leave early to get to Alliance Francaise! I was a finalist again. Heh. Thanks to 5 amazing weeks with the Meignen's. Stepped into the room and although I spoke relatively basic French (didn't use much subjunctive or pronouns or colloquialisms); I thoroughly enjoyed myself. French seems to be the one thing I am genuinely extremely passionate about right now. J'aime bien parler en français à la folie! I just love it; the language, the people, the culture, the FOOD. :P 

Then we rushed to church. Our row on the top left balcony has grown immensely. I think it's all the WCC kids who crashed and just filled it up. I hadn't heard a sermon for aaages because of Roar, and this time it was about the Holy Spirit. Someone I don't call upon often enough, seeing as he's supposedly the closest to me and would be able to help me the most. :S After church, dad & mum hung around forever. So I was stuck talking to Phillip. Apparently he's a real um. What's the word? "Ladies man"? O.O Idk. To me, he just seems like a really nice guy. But after all I've heard, I felt like I was being played, a little; like the whole 'nice guy' thing was a strategy. I'm supposed to take people at face value, and at face value, he was just a nice person! 

I need to stop listening to what people say about other people. It's not a very good practice...
Erica

Year 11 Camp

Wouldn't you know?

Year 11 Camp got postponed. We rocked up on Wednesday, fought through Period 1-4, aaaaand were told at lunchtime that Period 5-6 were happening because 140km/h winds blew trees down and the main road to Rawson Village was blocked. Ouch. So we lugged ourselves home and back on Thursday morning at 7.30am to get on the bus for a one night stay. I read Scream 1-4 plot summaries with Joyee on the bus. Heh. Arrived only to find out that I couldn't room with Viv and Isabel. I reckon I could have started crying. I know. How immature. But I just felt this bubbling rage and frustration and just utter disappointment. Furthermore, there was a power outage, so we ate dinner in the dark, blindly shovelling food into our tummies.

Yes, doesn't sound like a great camp does it? But it wasn't as bad. We had two Initiative activities where we played games that tried to get us to think out of the box. Like trying to fit 24 people on a little wooden square. And we had bushwalking, where I got a lovely long cut on my calf. I did get to talk to Wen Ping and teach Zee a little french. :) Then aerobics with Mrs Speedy. Oh. My. Goodness. It was exhausting. An hour of non-stop jumping and flailing arms. I was literally trembling with fatigue by the end. Luckily they ended it with a session with Mrs Friend; in which we just laid down and slept to soothing music and a voice that kind of melted into the background. We listened to Sonya talk about 'safe partying' that night. Honestly speaking, she was a really good public speaker. She could make us laugh and cry while getting the point across.

Attempted to dance Gangnam style in Viv's room while munching on shapes and Teddy Bears. :D Biked around the lake on Friday. OH and the PLC's top role model activity. Our team won with Ms Give it your best shot! I was somehow made coordinator. Me, with my lack of leadership abilities. LOL. Not that I did much. But it was fun. :) The bus ride home with Isabel was fun. Idk. I like talking to her. It's... grounding? Idk. I like the things we talk about. They just feel worth talking about, you know? Even if it is random opinions about music.

Rather pleasant.
It was an averted potential disaster.
Erica

Middle-child Syndrome

What's new?

Okay. More like what was new.

I.. went door-knocking with Ben last weekend to get more sponsors for the 40 hour famine. To sum it up, 2 hours of walking in the cold, 5 second drizzle of rain, lots of rejections, kind old people, A KID FROM ROAR OPENING THE DOOR (small world much?), a borrowed scarf (thanks ben, reckon I'd have frozen without it) and defrosting at McDonald's to end it. Raised $50ish between us. Not quite superheroes but hopefully it'll make a difference somewhere a million miles away.

Gala Concert at Melbourne Townhall on Monday. Went to Jessie's after morning rehearsals (one word: yawn). We had a great big Naruto watching sesh. And Viv taught me the Gangnam style dance move. O.o
Oh on the night, Crystal and I sneaked out during interval to sprint across the street to 7/11. Heh. She bought a slurpee and a Bueno for me. People are so nice. I ought to be nicer. :/ But yes, we felt like rebels.

Joyee's moving to Texas. D: We had a going away party for her and Meher compiled the sweetest goodbye video. Cynthia made a scrapbook. I can't begin to imagine having to move to a different country at this stage in life. Hope Joyee's coping okay.

I had dinner at Hog's breath with Roar team to celebrate Eugena doing her first message. It is so very admirable to be able to stand up and talk about God in front of a whole group of Grade 6ers. Anyway, it was interesting going out with uni/working people. The conversations they have are different, but rather stimulating, I guess. Plus, they are extremely nice. I didn't have to pay for dinner OR dessert. Note to future self: Be nice to young high school kids and pay for their food. They'll be eternally grateful. :P

Oh and apparently it was evident to Kenneth that I was the middle child.spdogjsopajgspogpodjg.  Something about being in the shadows, invisible because we're the 'neglected ones'. No, I'm not complaining. My parents pay me all the attention I need. But I guess we just have a tendency to blend, fit in, be a face in a crowd of faces. Ugh. What. Is. This. I've been trying my whole life to climb out of this hole of shyness, so people might get to know who I am, and maybe like me for me. Because you can't like someone you don't know. It seems like I have yet break out of this shell of middle-child-ness. Am I doomed to a life of being forever hidden behind the glaring spotlight of the more confident, outspoken, charismatic first childs?

Well that was pessimistic,
Melodramatic me.

On the bright side, Kim did say she disagreed. And that she thought I had leadership qualities. :) LOL. Idk man.