Who am I?

I wish.

I wish I could step out of myself and into someone else to see me through their eyes, their opinions, their expectations. Then, only then would I truly know what I am doing. I think. I need to know if I still come across as the childish, innocent girl; or the insecure second child who's invisible as much as she wants to be otherwise; or a genuinely friendly person who's fun to be with (HAH. I wish); or the crazy always-too-hyper one; or the girl who talks like a baby around guys (credits to tumblr. Heh); or the 'look at me! look at me!' spotlight wannabe; or shallow; or too complicated and deeply troubled (LOL); or always cheery; or sensitive; or easily annoyed; or the overt Christian girl etc etc. Wow. STOP. I could go one forever. And why do I need to know how other people see me? Idk. For reassurance? That I'm not some outcast always feeling a fake sense of belonging? Maybe.

On the other hand, I'm just past caring. I'm me and if that doesn't happen to be someone who people enjoy being around, then well. It's their loss, I guess.

How is it that I care so much yet not at all? Okay. If I'm compleeetely honest, I care too much too much of the time. Not that I show it. I hope. Gah.

Following along these lines, people are always telling you to be yourself, not to change or try becoming something you're not. But what is yourself? What makes you, you and me, me? Is it how we act around other people? What we say? How we express how we feel? All these are so very immeasurable. I mean, how does one know what another would do in a given circumstance? There are infinite factors affecting someone's actions: their current emotions, state of mind, recent events, burdens... So who can ever say what you're doing isn't you? You have infinitely many different ways of reacting to a situation according to your state of being at that moment in time. Why is one reaction 'supposedly' the real you? A girl can flick from being animated and outgoing to shy introversion with the passing of a thought or a misunderstood word.

Okay. All that beating around the bush and long-winded ramblings come down to the big question that's asked a gazillion times a day. Who am I?

Unfortunately, right now. I have no clue.
In search of herself,
Erica