Minor changes

She compared the two photographs.

One from a year ago, one from yesterday.

Time had changed her once youthful face, it had aged (far too much for the passing of one year)

The tilt of her upward chin used to speak of confidence and promise. Disappointments now angled it towards the ground, as if resigned to the whisper: The stars are unreachable. You won't make it. Don't try.

The strained smile of the second photo couldn't hope to compete against the effortless grin that of the first. It was less than a shadow.

And her eyes. Oh what happened to those animated eyes, always curious, full of an obstinate energy? When had they been replaced by this empty, fatigued stare?

From afar, her features looked the same. But up close, the slight differences became unsettling.

She put the photographs away. To be forgotten.

There was no point dwelling in what used to be.

Caught between deep disappointment and resigned acceptance

Well,

UMAT scores came out Friday night. Ben tapped me on the shoulder at Epic and was like "Hey, UMAT scores are out." Completely unexpected. I jumped out of my seat and ran out side where everyone else was. You could feel the air mingled with disappointment or anticipation, depending on whether or not the person had checked.

Freak. freakfreakfreak. I'm not gonna get into med. I didn't do anywhere near well enough. I seem to be going in circles. One moment I'm okay with it. Really truly okay with not doing Medicine and doing something else. Like Law or Arts or Optometry. Then literally within the minute, it'll hit me that a seriously might not get a place in any med school anywhere and I'll feel like crying. Or actually cry if I'm talking to someone about it. And they'll convince me that other options are better anyway and I'll believe it. Swinging back and forth. Going nowhere.

I think my emotions are sick of the rollercoaster. But I still can't get off.

I never was completely decided and determined to do med anyway. So why am I tying myself into these knots? Well thing is, I know myself. If I do make up my mind that med is the only option, the one thing I want to do and I set my heart on it, and I don't get a place, I'd be crushed. So I try to keep my options open, convince myself I'd be happy doing whatever. Which I would be. Wouldn't I?

Okay stop stop stop. I'll stop worrying about it. Whatever happens will happen. And I'll just have to trust God that what does happen is what is meant to and I'll end up where I'm supposed to be.

Oh ye of little faith. :/
Me

C'est quoi, un ami?

What is friendship?

Is it really just an association that arises from nothing more than similar interests and backgrounds? No more than a product of frequent interaction resulting from overlapping circumstance? And once circumstances change, the friendship ends.

Well that's absolute rubbish.

Friendship to me was always something that goes deeper than that. It's supposed to be a lasting bond. Even with clashing personalities, differences in values or opinions or beliefs, it works somehow. It's built upon a mutual understanding, an acceptance of the other person: flawed character, annoying habits and all. No, it's not someone who happens to know how to say the right thing at the right moment to make you feel better, but it's someone who tries. Someone who wants to make you feel better, to build you up, to listen, is honest, cares enough to give you tough love when you need it.

Which one is the truer friend? The person you've spent the most time with, created the most memories with, laughed the most with? The person who best understands you? The person most apt at cheering you up? The person with the wisest advice? Or is it the person who just so happens to share your interests, hence with whom you have the most to talk about and enjoy spending time?

Honestly, I don't know anymore. But I do know it's not a real friendship if you have to pretend. And if you can't rely on them to be there when it counts. And if there's no trust.

Man, I don't want to lose my friends next year. It's not about moving on. It's about caring about what happens to the people that you've spent 6 years of your life with. It's about having people to fall back on when you need to rant or when you're feeling sad. Why start the whole long, tedious process of getting to know a stranger, who they are, how they are and why they are, when you already have people that get you? Well, get you better than anyone else at that point.

But I don't want to be the only one holding on either. Friendship is two-sided.

Ughhhh. I'm not gonna cry because it takes a lot to make me cry. But tears are welling up. Just a little. This is depressing.

Oh whateverr. I guess if it really does all fall to pieces, I was lucky enough to have good friends for the duration of high school. Something others aren't as fortunate to have had.

Dispirited but appreciative-ish.
Me

Formal Was Fun

Oh dear.

Maan I need to be more disciplined in blogging. How else am I gonna remember all those interesting/funny/fun moments in life? It's such a shame to live it and forget about it after. Okay not completely but a little. 

Anywho, MHS formal was last night. I have to say, I enjoyed myself much more than I had expected to. Yes, Vicky hyped it up a lot (what with guys stripping and a unicorn ice sculpture, what was I not to look forward to?), but I was still rather apprehensive about it all. I mean, it's basically a night where all the girls dress up and compare themselves. Who has the hotter date, gorgeous-er body, prettier face, the most friends to say "ehmagawsh HI! I love your dress! Let's take a photo! You look soooo pretty!" etcetc. 

But my friends knocked some sense into me. I was probably the only one thinking all that anyway. Silly me.

Food, atmosphere, venue, people, everything was positively pleasant. Chris was, reliably, the perfect gentleman. Hopefully I was an agreeable enough date and did not complain tooooo much about my poorpoor feet. Which I did fair bit of. Met Cathy, I really liked her. She had a genuine friendliness about her. Plus she pranked Din by putting butter in his orange juice. Funny. 

I liked all Chris' friends. Perhaps they reminded me of mine. HA. In the sense that they were comfortable with themselves, easy to talk to, funny aaaand just good company, really. 

OH best part of the night? When we walked from the Grand Hyatt to Hungry Jacks after formal. The temperature was perfect. And there was something liberating about walking barefoot on the cool pavement in the city during that transition between night and morning. The air smells different, feels different on your skin. Sure it was dirty and I take absolute care to make sure I did NOT stepp on anything gross (like poo) but.. Idk. It was lovely. 

Carving these memories into my brain,

Grateful,

Me.