Musings of the mind

Well I was right.

I'm learning lots from this experience.

I'm learning that I've never let myself want something above a certain calculated and controlled level of want. So in the event that I didn't get what I want, I'd be okay. If Plan A worked, perfect. If it failed, Plan B worked too. Heck, I'd convince myself that Plan B was even better. I had backups for my backups.

It was my airtight secret to happiness. The perfect 'how to avoid disappointment' scheme.

But perhaps it wasn't.

It was a pretend game. A modified version of 'if we close our eyes and can't see it, it's not there'. More child's play than mature thinking.

Maybe deep down, I knew what I wanted. But I stubbornly chose to ignore it. The alternative was too scary, too risky, much too much of a gamble.

But then it came and placed itself right in front of me. I smirked a smile (or smiled a smirk?); I danced around and flirted with the idea. Then, I skipped along my merry way. I didn't take a closer look, to see if it had sharp edges or a soft surface. I didn't want to look at the details, just in case I'd get too attached to leave it behind. I told myself I'd be happy if it came along, but not unhappy if it chose to stay behind.

Arms length was safe. It was comfortable. Whenever I contemplated reaching out and grabbing it. I told myself no.

But now I'm questioning how okay I'll actually be if it's gone. Whether I'll regret not risking a little more. Whether I'll look back and wish I did take ownership and call it mine. It wouldn't have been hard. or maybe it would have been who knows?

I have no doubt that I'll survive; it's coded in my DNA to. But perhaps it'll hurt more than I thought it would.

Decisions decisions. Questions everywhere.
Me