Time to stop for some serious self-reflection.
A well-intentioned conversation with a close friend made me realise that I've changed, at least on surface appearances. I know I don't need to defend or justify my behaviour to other people, it's my life, I'll live it however I want. But the fact that I was so shaken by a few judgemental eyes tells me that I'm not as together as I thought. I need to pull together all the floating strands of reasoning into a solid mass that can be articulated. Not for them, but for myself. So I'm stable on my own two feet even when pushed.
The uncertainty pertains to the disconnect between who I am in my mind and the person people perceive me to be. I don't think I've changed. The things that are innately me: my default happy disposition, eagerness to please and stubborn desire to be better, to be authentic and to do what's right; these have not changed.
Outwardly, I appear have transformed from someone reserved and studious to a crazy party girl. It seems out of character, so people think I'm compromising my values. But really, it's just the little part of crazy in me that I've always kept under lock and key. Circumstances have never given me sufficient reason to open the door until now. Why unnecessarily disturb the peace? But 2015 has bombarded me with a series of unfamiliar experiences and emotions. I was curious to find out how the Erica who cared less about what others thought would react. So I decided to take her for a stroll, to explore whether (and where) she has a place in my life.
See, it's been smooth sailing so far because I was happy to just do whatever kept everyone else happy. But I hit a point where I didn't feel authentic or genuine anymore. I wanted to stand up for what I believed was right and not do things for the sake of people pleasing because it's draining and practically impossible. But here's the conflict > The part of me that doesn't want to give a damn does things for herself that people disapprove of/don't like, then people judge, then the part of me that can't help caring what people think is left to clean up the mess. So solution?
Option 1: Stop giving a damn.
Option 2: Keep people pleasing.
Is there no happy middle ground?
Eh I'll figure it out.
Me.
A well-intentioned conversation with a close friend made me realise that I've changed, at least on surface appearances. I know I don't need to defend or justify my behaviour to other people, it's my life, I'll live it however I want. But the fact that I was so shaken by a few judgemental eyes tells me that I'm not as together as I thought. I need to pull together all the floating strands of reasoning into a solid mass that can be articulated. Not for them, but for myself. So I'm stable on my own two feet even when pushed.
The uncertainty pertains to the disconnect between who I am in my mind and the person people perceive me to be. I don't think I've changed. The things that are innately me: my default happy disposition, eagerness to please and stubborn desire to be better, to be authentic and to do what's right; these have not changed.
Outwardly, I appear have transformed from someone reserved and studious to a crazy party girl. It seems out of character, so people think I'm compromising my values. But really, it's just the little part of crazy in me that I've always kept under lock and key. Circumstances have never given me sufficient reason to open the door until now. Why unnecessarily disturb the peace? But 2015 has bombarded me with a series of unfamiliar experiences and emotions. I was curious to find out how the Erica who cared less about what others thought would react. So I decided to take her for a stroll, to explore whether (and where) she has a place in my life.
See, it's been smooth sailing so far because I was happy to just do whatever kept everyone else happy. But I hit a point where I didn't feel authentic or genuine anymore. I wanted to stand up for what I believed was right and not do things for the sake of people pleasing because it's draining and practically impossible. But here's the conflict > The part of me that doesn't want to give a damn does things for herself that people disapprove of/don't like, then people judge, then the part of me that can't help caring what people think is left to clean up the mess. So solution?
Option 1: Stop giving a damn.
Option 2: Keep people pleasing.
Is there no happy middle ground?
Eh I'll figure it out.
Me.
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