Ridiculously Idiotic

Ugh.

I am rather disappointed in you myself. How could I have let myself be so stupidly blind and naive and just plain idiotic. Seriously. I knew I KNEW I was setting myself for hurt. And yet there I continued, pretending it was nothing, that I was handling it perfectly fine. 

But no. I'm not the only one to blame. No way. You. You just. ugh. just. uggggh. Must you have been so annoyingly present all the time? Like a loose hair; sticking out, constantly just there and no matter how much I tried to flatten it or pretend it wasn't there. It freaking still was. No. You didn't help at all. Not with your double meaning words and vague comments that seemed like affectionate compliments. Ha. Ha. See, the thing is, I knew what I was dealing with. I was super duper careful. I knew I was reading too much into things, as I always do. I knewknewknew it didn't mean anything but a secret (RIDICULOUSLY IDIOTIC) part of me wanted it to. Why? We were so very incompatibly different. Opposites in a way. I guess I've just always wanted to make a difference in someone's life. Change it. Fix it. And you provided that opportunity. Or my brain made you out to be. Whichever. I don't know any more. Doesn't matter. 

No. You definitely didn't help. Intentionally or haphazardly putting thoughts of ugh, you, into my easily impressionable mind. Just before bed too. Manipulative much? Or careless. Either way, not very considerate of you.

An irritating thought: that by ranting about you here, you've won. Because it shows that somehow, I have no idea how, you've crept under my skin. You've managed to weasel your way into the exclusive section where the things that matter are kept. But whatever. I'm sure you didn't care, so I'll rant all I want and you won't have won because I'm digging you right back out and keeping you at a safe distance. I was doing that all along anyway. Which is why I'm fine. Not heartbroken, pining, pathetic. Not in the least. 

You do have a heart, I think. You choose not to listen to it. Because it's easier to treat everything like a joke, to ignore the fact that people have feelings. Maybe. Sure, nonchalant indifference may seem like the way to go. But seriously dude, one day you might actually hurt a poor, unsuspecting soul and "I didn't mean to" just ain't gonna cut it. 

But yeah. It'd be nice if you could just go away and stop confusing me. Just please. Ugh. Leave.

Or don't. I don't particularly care.

Me.

PS: Thanks though. It was fun. Haha