SOS

Well,

Last week was a little too emotionally intense than I would like. 

I was in a constant state of tension, battling between my mind and my emotions. I kept trying to construct a positive narrative that I could accept, but it was hard to reconcile with all these negative emotions and thoughts that kept bubbling up.

I tried reasoning with myself again and again that I should stop imputing a lack of care or a de-prioritising of our relationship to him. He was busy and stressed. Work is important. 

And yet I couldn't help but feel like I was unimportant. His words were reassuring in the moment, but his actions seemed to say otherwise. The recurring thought was that I was the "understanding girlfriend" who was always gonna be there, and therefore all effort could be applied everywhere else, in friends/work/family, and as the "understanding girlfriend", I would just accept whatever was leftover (if anything). I knowww I sound terribly resentful... But I'm trying to be honest with myself and face the disappointment/hurt I was feeling, whether it was reasonable or not.

I really really wanted to be (and tried my very best to be) that chill, carefree person with unlimited capacity to love and forgive and understand. But I couldn't help but feel like I had mustered up all my patience and understanding, and there was nothing left for me to give. 

I know that love is supposed to be unconditional. I know you're supposed to give without any expectation of return. But that is also starting to feel like an almost impossible feat that goes against our flawed human nature, our need for things to be fair, our innate selfishness. I want more from a relationship than to just be someone to spend time with when there's nothing better to do. I want to be wanted, to be thought of, to be missed. I want to be heard, to share life, to matter. Is that such a high ask?

Urgh I sound so attached and dependent. It seems so insignificant and petty now when I think about it. And yet, my emotions seem to be throwing a huge tantrum, and it's restricting my ability to see things clearly. I'm viewing everything through a lens that has dirt and grime all over.

So I am deciding that perhaps it's best to take a step back. I'm extricating myself from what has become an unhealthy attachment, thinking myself out of feeling stuck, and reminding myself that I can choose. 

I am choosing to unknot the knot in my chest. I am choosing not to give up. I am choosing to move forward, to observe and to hope.

God help me to learn from this, to be understanding and forgiving, but also wise and discerning. Also take away the resentment that I'm struggling to shrug off myself. 

Please.

Me.